maybe it's just pride (originally written 8/18/08)

the gaps between your actions.

and the words you speak aloud

show the lack of your intention,

or maybe you're just proud.

but you disappoint the miniature,

who can't wait to wear your shirt,

or watch a movie with you.

or kiss away your hurt.....

her big brown eyes look up to you,

she watches when you go....

she’s soaking up your actions,

so much more than you know.

she puckers her lips

and she closes her eyes....

if only you knew, like i do,

the way that she cries....

quit digging the holes,

that make the distance between....

the things that you say,

and the things that you mean....

the gaps between your actions.

and the words you keep inside,

show the lack of your intention,

or maybe it's your pride....

-originally written on 8/18/08, shortly after JD returned from Iraq. had so many promises and big hopes for sweet T.... awfully big dreams coming from such a small man....

a selfish man's soul.

7 yrs.

4 months.

3 weeks.

and 2 days old.

there's so much resentment built up.

and damages no one, but me.

the resentments are so far repressed,

that most of the time, i barely even know they exist.

but they do.

and every now and again, i know, very much so, that they exist....

you've had the leisure to do with your time as you've pleased.

to go to the gym.

to do homework.

to go on a date.

to go to a party.

to drink.

to dance.

to vacation.

to be everywhere else, but here.

you've had the leisure to do with your time as you've pleased.

you've lived south of us.

they've all lived north of us.

we were right in between.

but the phone calls never came,

when you'd pass our house.

you'd just continue driving north,

in one of your many new cars....

what a selfish man's soul does not know,

is the pricetag on a child's life....

the cost to raise a child.

the food they eat.

the doctor's appointments.

the childcare.

the clothes.

the fundraisers.

the games.

the hobbies.

the cost of a home in an area worth living in,

where you don't fear your child's safety,

and you know they are receiving a wonderful education.

what a selfish man's soul does not hear,

are the whimpers of her cries....

"i'm hungry."

"i don't feel well."

"i want. i want. i want."

"i don't wanna take a bath."

"i don't wanna go to bed."

"i don't wanna eat that."

"i don't wanna go to the dentist."

"where's my other shoe?"

"where's my homework?"

"what should i wear?"

"what should i eat for breakfast?"

"how do you spell....?"

"look!"

"look it!"

"mom! look!"

"mom!"

"mom!"

what he can't smell,

is her freshly brushed breath,

blowing in your face to ensure she's brushed well enough.

he can't smell,

her freshly washed hair

that smothers your face when she hugs you goodnight.

a selfish man's soul cannot smell

the dirt on her hands when she's fallen in the sand from jumping off the monkey bars,

or swings.

you can't smell the freshly baked brownies,

she excitedly awaits to finish baking....

she mixed them herself, you know.

what a selfish man's soul doesn't feel

are her arms around his neck.

or her lips pressed to your cheek.

you cannot FEEEEL her love from a distance.

you cannot FEEEEL her pain.

you cannot FEEEEL her heart's desires.

her wants.

her yearns.

you can't FEEEEL any of that.

a selfish man's soul cannot see

the growth in her height.

her crooked smile.

her face light up when she figures something out.....

her gappy smile, when she loses another tooth.

you cannot see the letters she writes to the toothfairy or to Santa Claus.

you cannot read the books she writes.

(unless of course I order extra copies for you)....

you cannot see the work she does at school, unless i show it to you.

you do not donate money for her to win a prize,

as she jumpropes to help children with sick hearts.....

you cannot see her glue foam hearts together and lay them all out for every member in her family....

you cannot see the distance that she feels.

she needs not my words to figure it out.

i leave them out.

she is above and beyond any level of intelligence you could ever imagine.

but a selfish man's soul....

would never know,

the goodness of her good soul....

baby daddy. pt 2

baby was born.

i had a new job (at the hospital), worked nights since taylor was about 8 weeks old....

her dad got a new assistant manager (a young hispanic girl).

she adored him.

she let it be known.

i was oblivious to all this until one night....

"The" night....

my grandma and i had gone to the mall (where he worked) for his "lunch break," which was more like dinner.

we all ate together.... (him, me, baby and grandma).

grandma wanted to go in to Robinson's May (they had one of their huge sales going on and were open late that night)....

so by the time we finished shopping there, the rest of the mall was closed.

grandma and i walked to the elevators in the middle of the mall to get upstairs (back to the parking lot).... grandma looks over the side and asks, "ashley is that jason?" (taylor's dad's name is also jason, funny huh?)

i look over the side. "umm no grammy. jason wouldn't be walking with a girl!"

then i looked again.... watched this guy follow this girl up the escalator, with his hands sliding behind hers up the handrails.... (his face a little to close to her ASS for my comfort).... they stop at the top. girl drops her keys. guy picks them up. they hug.... girl walks off one way. guy turns and starts walking towards us, when suddenly he realizes.... it's MEEE!!!! and suddenly i realize, it's HIIIIMMM!!!!!

my insides started shaking.... yes SHAKING.... i mean like stomach was flipping.... hands started shaking.... i'm pushing the stroller as FAST AWAY as i possibly can....

he throws his arms up in the air as if to say, "what's uuuuup?"

i told grammy, "come on gram. quick. let's go."

i'm walking as fast as i possibly can to get to the parking lot....

he jogged to catch up to us.... calling my name.

i'm shaking and tingling and feel like i'm going to vomit...

i'm putting taylor in the car, when he grabs my arm and spins me around....

automatic reaction? SMACK him RIGHT in the face! and HARD!!!!

i pulled the ring off that he had gotten for me, and threw it at him.

screamed a whole bunch of mean stuff at him, and ended up leaving....

poor grammy. she was probably so embarrassed!!! (sorry gram)

anyway.... taylor was 3 months old at the time....

he cried.

he tried to make up.

tried to "show" me there was NOTHING going on....

i tried.

tried to hold the "family" together....

tried to believe him....

i didn't.

i never did.

i wanted to,

but i just didn't....

next day, my sister had to pick up a picture she had ordered from the same mall.... mom watched the baby, and i decided i was going with my sister to the mall....

we passed the store.

he was working....

and so was SHEEEEE.....

i walked passed the store, thinking i had all this self control, and then the mutha-flippin G-H-E-T-T-O took over....

i pulled my sweatshirt off and tied it around my waist and walked in to the store.... i didn't work there anymore. i didn't give a shit what they thought of me.... besides, it was that stupid girl working there anyway... i walk in with my eyes GLUED to her face.... just WAITING for her to look at me cross eyed....

she looks up and smiles at me.... "hey there."

"don't fuck*n hey there me you stupid homewreckin SLUT!" i managed to barf out....

holy smokes.... i didn't know i had it in me... okay, so maybe i totally knew i had it in me, but i did NOT expect it to come out like that!!!! i FLIPPED OUT!!!! she tried going on about how she doesn't know what i'm talking about and blah blah blah and she wants to just talk to me after work.... and all this random shit. i can't even remember what she was saying, cuz i'm pretty sure fire was FLAMING out of my ears at this point.

anyway, i told her i'd be there when she got off of work....

i waited.... saw her come out some other exit and RUN to her truck.... what the?! i really honestly expected her to come and "talk" to me.... mall security was called on us, but i had put my sweatshirt back on at that time.

ex-jason and my sister had then gotten into an argument while i was yelling at her.... jason was yelling about how much he LOVED me.... oh man, it's rather sickening when i think back about it.... horribly DYSFUNCTIONAL!!!!! WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!

it was SOOOO stupid!!!!

i wasn't in love....

i was very VERY insecure....

we tried to make it work for about another year, before finally calling it quits....

i remember some of the last words he had said to me were that "we're gonna get married one day. i just know it."

maybe i knew otherwise....

i didn't trust him....

nor would i ever, EVER again.....

baby daddy. pt 1

so, i'm certain SO many people are curious as to what ever happened with taylor's "dad" and i....

here goes the entire history of it all.... (for all you nosey people out there).... ;)

we worked together at a shoe store right out of high school. dated for about 6 months and BAM!!! pregnant. totally not planned. not expected. i was HIGHLY in denial and found out i was pregnant at about week 10 (about 2 and a half months) or so....

i remember feeling sick, peeing multiple times a night, puking my brains (and guts) out.... and STILL not believing i was pregnant until the dr came in and said, "hun, you're pregnant! that's what's wrong with you!" (after my pee in the cup thing)....

WHAT?!!!!!! WHAAAAAT?!!!!!

of COURSE abortion crossed my mind. i had THREE jobs at the time. i didn't have a relationship with God. I had 3 classes (9 units), my own apartment, a new car (with car payments).... i had a freakin BUSY ASS LIFE!!!!! "baby" fit NO where in that equation.... NO WHERE.... unless i MADE it fit....

from the VERY SECOND he told me i was pregnant, all of my insides sank....

and they sank, because i knew that i was going to have to eventually tell all of my family, and disappoint them, because there was no way that i could go through with an abortion.... (now i'm not going to go into my beliefs and feelings on this topic, because it's like politics and all and i KNOW everyone feels differently about this.... and i promise to never judge ANYONE on this, because it's not my place and well, everyone has a different life and situation) now with that being said, i just couldn't find it in my heart to go through with this.... i KNEW that my ENTIRE life was about to change....

i was sick. my mom called me daily.... i told her i needed her to come over so that i could talk to her. i found out on february 12th that i was pregnant. i'm pretty sure she came over on the 13th and i told her.... she was certain i wasn't ready for this... and CERTAIN he wasn't either. she said "he's a KID ashley, a KID!!!!!" in my gut (and yes, there was a gut already), i KNEW that the chances of us making it together, for a lifetime, was highly unlikely. i was 18 freakin years old!!!! i made lists of pros and cons.... how this would hurt my life.... and how it would help it.... the cons list far outweighed the pros list.... but the gut feeling was much stronger than the list of cons.... i had 2 weeks to make my decision.... but i pretty much already knew.... i know that everyone was against my decision to keep the baby, initially....

keeping the baby meant that:

1. 2 of the 3 jobs had to go.... i went down to just 1 full time job.... the shoe store. i let the gym and GUESS go.... =(

2. school continued until the semester that I was due, and then would resume the semester after he or she was born.

3. i was far too sick, (and broke and co-dependent) with my mother to live on my own.... i moved back home with my mom.... and thought this was going to be my chance to "save." save what? i thought money at the time.... but i was hardly making anything, so i don't know what i'd planned to save....

i remember going to our workplace on the night of the 12th, in tears.... he took his lunch break and i told him i was pregnant.... (maybe this is why i watch 16 and pregnant and cry.... i can totally relate, except i wasn't 16, but i felt like i was)....

i had to go to the hospital a few times (severe dehydration from hyperemesis "excessive vomitting") i couldn't keep anything down, and i think that everyone pretty much knew i was pregnant. we hadn't told his parents yet, but told his mom after we KNEW we were keeping it. he said "i need to talk to you." she said "ashley's pregnant. isn't she?" she already knew from how sick i'd been.... she knew.... his parents were having a hard time (his dad's an ass), and he wasn't staying at the house. i guess this was the perfect excuse for him to come home and be "one" with the family again.... and that's what he did. both of our families talked it all out. everyone was all negative.... that's what i remember most, but above that, i remember my stepdad (my wonderful stepdad), finally saying, "okay, enough with all the negativity.... it's time to be happy.... congratulations honey!" and he leaned over and hugged and kissed me....

when he did that, it was the first time that i actually felt excited about being pregnant.... it totally changed everyone's tone, and they followed his lead.... i will NEVER EVER EVER EVER forget that as long as i live....