the versatile blogger award.

a big thank you to Ms. Anthropy over at "Ms. Anthropy... Sarcastic Granny," who awarded me with this "versatile blogger" award....

she is a suuuper sweet lady, with a great sense of humor and probably the BEST commenter in the world....

Following the rules of this award I have to give you seven tidbits about myself that you may not know. Pass the award on.

1. I just got my wisdom teeth out on friday. it sucked.
2. i had a crush on my husband when i was lik 10. he didn't even know i existed.
3. I cry a lot. like when i watch extreme makeover: home edition. intervention sometimes. (if the people aren't completely crazy and actually want to clean up their lives.... i like that).
4. i will be getting lasik eye surgery, actually it's a procedure called PRK because my corneas are a bit too thin.... probably within the next few weeks here.... because i'm legally blind. without my contacts or glasses, i can't see anything.... everything is just smudged together.
5. I have a dry erase board in my living room with my bills on it, the due date and the amount owed, because if i put the board (or the bills anywhere else, it's likely i'll forget about them)....

6. I get carsick..... always have. i even threw up in my pillowcase once.
7. i don't like history, but am taking it online right now.

mr clean (part 2)

the beginning of mr. clean

so.... 2 days before she was supposed to be headed back to the east coast, i get a call from mr clean.

i'm sitting at my desk at work.

he called the office phone.

i give my introduction and then i hear his voice. "ashley?"

"uhhh, yeah?"

"can you sneak away for a bit and meet me over in the parking lot at the grocery store?" he asks.

"what? where are you? why?" i am completely confused.

i think (but do not say), "first of all, i'm working. second, where is your blonde babe at? you've completely ditched me for her this past week. why the EFF do you want me to meet you in the parking lot of the stupid grocery store that she's been walking to to get groceries to make your stupid ass dinner every night..... and if you didn't think i saw the flowers she was carrying... i did.... and if you think i didn't see you guys sitting out on the porch where you and i used to sit? well, i did!!"

it's like my mind kind of drifted to where I have been these past few days.... what IIII have been doing to fill MYYYY time while he's been with her.... i wondered if he'd seen me stumbling around the property, making my way over to my best friend's apartment (who happened to live on the same side of the complex as him).... i wonder if he had any idea how completely DRUNK i was after having 2 bottles of my OWN wine BY MYSELF!!!! i wonder if he saw that.... or if he saw me walking my dog.... BY MYSELF.... i knew he COULD see me from his patio, but i wondered if he did....

anyway, back to his call....

"i went into work today, but they let me go early. i needed to come talk to you. i need to see you," he said.

"let me see what i can do." and i REALLY went and asked if i could take an extended break and that i'd stay late to cover the time i was gone....

my best friend just so happened to be my boss.

she knew the situation and said "don't be long."

i hopped in my car and drove to the grocery store parking lot and hopped into his truck.

he went on to tell me how these past few days had been sooo rough....

not being able to see me....

or talk to me....

they've been driving him nuts....

he told me he'd called his dad and his dad could sense the hesitation and hurt in his voice....

and i TOTALLY fell for this shit...

kind of.

i think my gut new otherwise...

but ignore the gut....

i wanted to hear more weepy shit.

his eyes watered as he proceeded to tell me how he couldn't wait for her to go back home. how he was going to tell her that night that he wanted to be with me.... that he didn't want to continue to lead her on.... he was going to tell her tonight.... and then she would leave and everything would be magical and wonderful with us again, just like it was....

i wanted to believe that.

and so i did.

against my better judgment i totally believed that....

or at least i pretended to....

i felt all strong and like i had the upperhand....

i think he knew he was in again....

i was still there.

i hadn't gone anywhere.... not yet.

she left....

and he came to me the day she left.... just like he'd done on my birthday the month before....

only this time, i had had enough.

i wasn't going to do this again.

if she came out here again, i wasn't going to sit through it again....

"did you sleep with her?" i'd asked.

he looked down, almost like a punished little boy....

"ash.... c'mon. i don't wanna talk about... ugh." and he kinda shook his shoulders in disgust.

he looked up at me, "once. only once, and it made me sick. all i could do was think of you the whole time."

ONCE! YAY! ONLY ONCE!!!! i couldn't believe i was actually RELIEVED to know it was only ONCE!!!! and not every single night while she was there!!!

august went on, and september was approaching.... he told me about his friend's wedding on the east coast.... the east coast just so happened to be the same state that "she" lived in.... hmmm i thought to myself.... "i wonder if she's going to go." but i didn't ask. i didn't want to scare him away. he wasn't technically my boyfriend, so i'd just sit back and see what else comes up... i'll just enjoy the time we spend together..... and then the distance began. he wanted a little bit more space again.... and the date rapidly approached. i didn't even KNOW if he was going to see her or not.... i didn't know if he would be taking her with him to the wedding or not....

and i didn't. even. ask.

no, i just went along with life like it was grand and peachy and cheerful with a cherry on top.

i'd watched the movie "the secret" and fell in love with the movie. i wrote out about 10 pages of notes on the film and decided at the last minute, to make him a little booklet with some of the sayings.... after all, that's what he loved about me.... my optimism....

so i made this cute little book (about wallet sized) with a few great sayings.... hole-punched it and tied it together with some ribbon and had a card written out to him. it was just a friendly card, wishing him a safe and fun trip. i let him know how much i enjoyed spending time together and all that we were doing.... and blah blah. i really don't remember what it said, but i DO remember it was more of a friendly card than a lovey card. i wasn't lovey at that point.

so i had gone over to his apartment the night before he was leaving to go out of town. i slipped the card and booklet into his carryon, in the side pocket.... it worked out perfectly. the "not knowing if she was going to be there with him or not", was beginning to eat me alive.... and that night, i'd asked.... "are you going to see her while you're there? is she going with you to the wedding?"

"i don't know ashley. i have no idea. i haven't decided yet."

but he seemed so.... ANGRY that i asked him....

instantly, i felt guilty for asking, but then quickly snapped out of the guilt and snapped into feeling entitled. "well dammit! i deserve to know if you're going to the wedding with that whore!" okay, no i didn't say that, but i thought it, and apparently my attitude showed that that was exactly how i felt. we said goodbye, not on the best of terms, and he said he'd be home in a week. i had offered to watch his dog and walk her and feed her for the week that he was gone. he declined. he had hired a dogwalker to come by, 3 times a day, $20 a time.... that was $60 a day that i had offered to save him and he declined....

i should have known his plans were of some other sort.... something other than a 7 day trip to the east coast for his friend's wedding....

the beginning of mr. clean.

although you all know how this one ended up.... there was still soooo much more to this "relationship." forgive me if i repeat a few things....

i used to live by a lake..... a beautiful lake....

(this is the beautiful lake on a warm summer night, when taylor and i packed a picnic for dinner and watched the sun set) =)

anyway.... i don't exactly remember how we ended up exchanging numbers, i really don't. all i remember is one night, we ran into each other at the jacuzzi.... it was late.... we went home and we had texted a couple times. we both couldn't sleep. it was apparent. i was going to go for a walk, because it was the middle of june and it was so warm out still.... he asked if he could join. and he did.... and we walked to the lake and sat there for a while.... a long while.... so long, that we actually were still there when the sun began to rise.... i had to work later that day.... so i insisted on going home. he invited me back to my place.... and although there was a huge part of me that wanted to go there, an even bigger part of me wanted to go back home.... i knew it was the right thing to do.... and i did... i went home.... and he texted me.... continuously.... i shut off my phone.... i had a lot of willpower at that point.... i was set in my ways, at least a little bit.... he'd come in the office to ask a silly question.... (mind you i was working at the office of our apartment community).... i had leased him his apartment.... he'd come by when i was helping people just to drop off a coffee and/or pastry. if i was out touring someone around the property, he'd sneak in and leave cards and notes in my desk.... or on my car.... he was good at what he did.... i should have known then.... from the beginning.... there was another girl.... in another state.... who loved him for the very same reasons.... but i didn't know that.... not yet at least....

i knew she existed.... she was here in california before. they worked at one of the nearby hospitals together.... she was a traveling nurse. only out here for a few months, and those few months were spent with him.... before he and i spent the evening at the lake.... but she left.... she went back to the east coast when he (supposedly) had asked her to stay.... he told me how he didn't believe she was in it for the long haul and that he didn't know how he felt about her leaving.... he said he didn't feel the same for her.... you see, SHE was married, but "going through a divorce." .... some jerry springer shit there, right? i liked a guy who liked a girl who was married, but leaving her husband to be with the guy that i liked, who didn't know if he liked her anymore because she left to go back to her husband so she could "end things officially," (or whatever) and then come back to the guy that i liked who didn't know if he even wanted to be with her because now he REALLY liked me!!!! oooooooo yay!!!! i picked a good guy, right?! RIGHT?! he REALLY liked me the best!!! i was the one he wanted to be with!!! i was better than everyone else!!!! yyyyaaaaay me!!!

(not).

we walked our dogs.

together.

we cooked dinner.

together.

well usually he cooked for me....

he loved to cook.

his apartment was immaculate.

always.

he had very little belongings,

but just enough stuff.

everything was arranged perfectly

and it always smelled clean.

(i should have known then that something was wrong.... guys aren't very CLEAN creatures. at least not obsessive like that)....

anyway.... i didn't know anything was wrong.

nor did i think anything was wrong even though he downed a bottle of wine by himself,

every.

single.

day.

no, i kept going on, enjoying our conversations we had....

i felt like he was really opening up to me.

like i was really getting to know him.....

i should have known when he blindsided me and told me he used to be addicted to heroin and was in rehab, having relapsed twice.... that something wasn't right.... (but he was clean for 11 years.... that made up for the prior heroin addiction)....

the stories he proceeded to share with me (only AFTER a few glasses of wine) just blew my mind....

wow! how did he come out "on the other side?"

little did i know.... he wasn't on the other side.... he was still on the shitty side... i was just blind. and dumb. and blind. and dumber.... in fact, i was likely the dumbest....

august 4th, he told me she was coming out to see him in 3 days.... he gave me a 3 days notice.... and said that he didn't know she was coming, or WHY she was coming.... said she only gave him a 3 days notice.... and that she was going to stay for a week.... he was nearly pleading with me to please give him a break and not hold this against him.... he would have never invited her out here.... but that she planned on staying with him....

"WHY?!" i asked. "WHY are you LETTING her stay with you, when she didn't even give you a notice that she was coming?!"

i don't remember his answers, but whatever they were, must have sounded good enough at the time....

i went against everything i would have ever stood up for before, and said "okay. i'm here whenever you are free to talk.... i'm here."

i'd get a text message randomly.

and one day.

2 days before she was supposed to leave i got a phone call from him.....

hello.

hello everyone.

when i'd originally started this blog, i started it with the intention of shifting my negative past from my main "happier" blog, "Our Journey Begins As The Kings...." (the link will take you there, if you're at all interested)

although i am at a much better place in my life now, it wasn't always that way.... i tend to post a whole lot more on my main blog, so forgive me for not posting as often as i'd like to on here!!

If you'd like to hop on over to the happier side of my life, feel free to do so and join me over there!! If not, it's totally okay, and i'm just glad you're here!!

Thank you for following my bumpy, shitty past, and still coming back for more of the crazy me.

don't worry. it's just her brain tonight.

i'm lost....

lay back down....

it's only my thoughts again....

no need to run to a computer.

there's no cross street or freeway to lead me from....

it's just my brain again.

never shutting off,

just like it never does....

or staying on,

just like it always does....

she's runnin' tonight.

she's alone tonight.

she's insane tonight....

she felt free tonight....

like a bird tonight.

and she ate tonight.

with good souls tonight....

and she prayed tonight...

that she lay tonight,

with good dreams tonight.

and no fears tonight....

but her mind ran tonight.

so far from sight....

she got lost tonight,

from all that's right....

and she picked a fight,

with her soul tonight....

and now she cries tonight.

cuz nothing feels so right.

maybe she's lost sight,

from what felt right....

so she prays again tonight....

that she will see the light....

when she sleeps tonight.

again, alone tonight.

-originally written on 8/4/08, in a constant battle with.... myself

maybe it's just pride (originally written 8/18/08)

the gaps between your actions.

and the words you speak aloud

show the lack of your intention,

or maybe you're just proud.

but you disappoint the miniature,

who can't wait to wear your shirt,

or watch a movie with you.

or kiss away your hurt.....

her big brown eyes look up to you,

she watches when you go....

she’s soaking up your actions,

so much more than you know.

she puckers her lips

and she closes her eyes....

if only you knew, like i do,

the way that she cries....

quit digging the holes,

that make the distance between....

the things that you say,

and the things that you mean....

the gaps between your actions.

and the words you keep inside,

show the lack of your intention,

or maybe it's your pride....

-originally written on 8/18/08, shortly after JD returned from Iraq. had so many promises and big hopes for sweet T.... awfully big dreams coming from such a small man....

year round clown (about mr clean, originally written in 8/08)

Year-round clown,

tell me your day.

When you wake in the morning,

does the sun shine through the cracks in your blinds?

Do black curtains hang,

the non-see-through kind?

Year round clown,

tell me your style.

Do you wake in the morning

with a smudged, painted-on smile?

Year-round clown,

tell me this....

Do you remember the last time

your lips tasted a kiss?

A kiss with such passion,

any love put behind it....

or were the lips made of candy,

and bullshit behind it???

Does your happy music play, looped....

in your happy clown suit....

Do you blow up balloons,

and twist them into hats???

How 'bout if she asks,

would you do acrobats?

And she'll face you in bed,

Softly touch your bald head....

As the paint washes away,

You'll want her to stay....

And her smile will fade,

just like the love that we made....

and it's then you will realize,

you've let another one down....

You can't continue to fake

who you are all year round....