flowers (and bullshit) for the last time.

You all remember mr. Clean. The one who screwed my best friend while I was in TN with my dying father.

Well, I had saved some of his last words to me (which was at the beginning of mine and jason's relationship. I had actually made some other blog about telling people how much you love them before it was too late or some crap like that and i only say "or some crap like that" because what this dude had for me was not love, and i only know that now), because for the first time, it didn't phase me.... Any other time in my life, I probably would have cried and gone running back, but not this time. I already KNEW jason was beyond special....

And for once, I did something "unstupid."

Mr clean was the ICU nurse. Remember?
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she was 66....and had mainly respiratory issues....One by one, we attempted to fight off her issues.we placed tubes, lines, drains, tried to stop her bleeding....all to no avail. her husband and i spent a good amount of time talking about her being on the ventilator with all the medicated drips and such, and i listened as he talked about their 45 years of marriage, the good and the bad. he said their love carried them through a lot of ups and downs in that time. He asked why he had to be put in this spot.... to make the call regarding her life support. I related to him a story about you calling me about being power of attorney and said that you knew without question that i would uphold your wishes, no matter how difficult....he squinted his eyes and said, "you love her don't you?".... i said, "yes, yes i do.... very much." after that i stood behind him while he was at her bedside, her face a blue gray hue, he kissed her and held her hand a while.Then he stood up, turned around and told me to turn off the drips and to take the tube out of her mouth, that she would never have wanted to be this way. As much as he wanted to cling to the hope of her recovery, he knew that she chose to be with him for 45 years for the strength he now had to muster. After she passed, i let him grieve for a while.... he cried. He would never lay next to her, be kissed by her, be yelled at by her, and only once more will he give her flowers. My eyes were apparently red and moist as he then put his hand on my shoulder and said that i needed to forgive myself. I gave a blank stare and told him that I was here for him and that i'm good. He asked how many times I'd been in this situation. I said,"several....though each passing is unique.". He said to me then, just before he left, that I carried him through the process. HE said that without my guidance he may not have been able to tap into the strength required to see the plain view. I said something snappy like "that's what i'm here for." Then he looked deep into my eyes and said that each of the souls I help to release weighs a burden on mine, a burden that needs resolved. He asked if the girl I loved eased those burdens when I got home. I looked up and said, "someday." he once again told me to forgive myself and that he admired my spirit. It's almost as if I can feel his loss, waking up cold, alone, when not long ago he relished in a loving relationship. No more "honey do you want coffee?" to be echoed through the house... just the faint sounds of the world outside the walls he now weeps behind, an occasional random creek of the floor or the bump of a closing drawer.
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Yeah, you're right! Ya better move on, ya big douche nozzle (the part that actually goes in the, well you know)!!! That's what you get for bangin my best friend!!!! Pssssh! Put DAT in your book!!!

Burrrrnn....

(P.s. To the ex, not the poor grieving old man)