Friday, May 27, 2011

tornado of your life.

imagine waking up, one day,
with plans of shining bright.
but the second you start out your day,
you realize, you're as dark as night.

you're like a dark rain cloud,
that everyone can see.
everyone knows it's coming,
even subconsciously.

the imaginary tablet hits the bottom of the cup,
which is really the pit of my stomach,
we all watch it bubble up....

it hits about as instantly,
as one can even blink....
sirens are going off,
this isn't what you think.....

there's two different people battling,
but all inside of one....
she resists, she fights back....
the fuckin' damage is done....

she broke their windows of protection,
she crushed their fucking dreams....
wishing everything could just be different,
but it is, just as it seems....

they woke up this morning,
to the sun outside.....
the day went on,
and their mother died....
again....

she died again, just like yesterday,
just like the day before, he lost his wife....
imagine if YOU were that fucking tornado
in every single person's life.....

Monday, September 20, 2010

when i see you.

i'd like to make a switch,
from love to bitch.

i'd like to scream in your face,
for the times you can't replace.

at some point in young years,
i shedded young love tears....

and grew up to realize,
that young love is real lies.

for true love is secure,
my true love is pure.

but from young love came my love,
and her head comes, right above,
my heart.

she stands almost 5 feet tall,
her smile says it all.

so forgive me when i'm pissed,
for all the times you've missed.

i'd like to make a switch,
from love to bitch.

because that's just how i feel,
when i see you....

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

stupid follows you.... sometimes.

you know, stupid can even follow you sometimes....
even in your current life....
your current day to day life....

there are some things,
(and my past,)
that have slightly affected the way i feel about certain things....
and my tolerance for certain things....
or my lack of tolerance for certain things....

i will leave you with a bit of advice,
you put someone on a pedastal,
they are bound to disappoint you at some time or another....
it's like leaning on a broken crutch for support.
you'll fall.
therefore, i guess the moral of the story is, don't lean on anything....
not a crutch,
not a wall,
not a person,
not a chair,
not a table,
not anything
(except maybe your therapist)
because you'll fall....
at some point,
you'll fall....
and it hurts.
and you'll cry.
and you'll feel like you're dying....
and you can't blame anyone else but yourself....
but you've got to KNOW that you'll make it through that too!!!!

that you've made it through SOOOO many other things, you'll make it through this or that too!!!!

isn't it so much easier to say and BELIEVE when you're not RIGHT smack dab in the middle of it all??

Saturday, June 5, 2010

part 8.... the end.

the beginning of mr clean







I need to wrap this up.

i was working 40+ hours a week....
linedancing whenever i could....
doing everything in my power to stay away from the house.
younger sister and i went to texas (riverwalk) and had an amazing time! (while still under the same lease as mr clean)....

during that time,
mr clean packed up his stuff (and stole some of mine)
and had a few friends come help take his stuff to his new place....
i came home and THOUGHT most of the stuff was gone,
however after staying up until WEEEEEE hours of the morning moving shit over to the new place,
i quickly realized it was not anywhere close to being done.
i had to throw SO much of his shit away!!!
but some biiig stuff too.
it wasn't easy.
15 gigs of porn and i have somehow managed to remain friends after all of the years that had passed in between.
he offered to help me move shit.
i accepted. still stupid obviously.
he came over and had been drinking and wasn't much of a help, although he did help load a few boxes... i should have known he would do more harm than good.
(meaning he just slowed me down, and NOTHING else....)

i remember moving shit by myself, and with some help from one of my maintenance guys (from the property i worked at)....
we seriously moved shit until 2, 3 and 4 in the morning for days.... after having worked until about 6 pm.
the parents came by one of the last days to help me.
they always come through.
very appreciative for that!!

i remember the first night i stayed in the new place....
it was beautiful....

i was in heaven.
the first few nights were lonely....
but it was beautiful.
i was on the creek still....
even more enjoyable....
it was like a huge grassy backyard.... and there were frogs....
and ducks.... and beautiful night skies....
well lit....
stars everywhere....
the moon was big and bright!
i knew i could get used to this,
however, not without a few slip ups....

his new place wouldn't take his dog.
so i volunteered to watch her for a few weeks....
we got into a HUGE fight, i don't even know what it was about....
but i told him he had better come get his stupid dog....
he called the cops BEFORE he even got to my house!!!!
the cops came to the apartment before he did.
i wasn't there....
he said he wasn't coming....
cops seriously called my cell phone.... threatening me that i was holding his dog hostage and blah blah blah.
REALLY?!
WHY in the FUCKING WORLD would i hold his stupid ass smelly dog hostage??
i surely didn't want anything more to do with him....
but FUCK i was soo pissed.
i really thought it would be in my best interest not to return to the apartment with a dickface officer (hmmm, most of them are) and a dickface of an ex....
i usually don't EVER find myself upset with officers, but sometimes their damn attitude is SICKENING!!!! they act like they RULE the freakin world, and the sad thing is, is that they really kind of do!
ugh.
don't get me going off on that one....
cuz i can....

there were a few separate occasions that he has asked to spend time with me.
to go to dinner.
to come walk the dogs on the beach with him.....
i'd accepted dinner.... once.
i'd accepted the dog walking on the beach once....
until i got there....
and realized that it was NOT headed in the right direction....
all of me felt like i wouldn't want anyone in the world knowing i was there....
and as "innocent" as dogwalking could be, i knew his intention was more at that moment....
and i left....
and i went back on a few separate occasions and again left shortly after arriving...
i don't know why i kept visiting, but i did....
and NO, we weren't hooking up!!!!

i don't know what i had kept hoping to find....
an entirely different person there each time i went?
perhaps....
who knows....
but, i came around....

i began to stand alone....
(well, slightly leaning on my parents still).... but in my own place....
working again.
going at everything, full force.... again....

and that, my dear friends, is when Jason came back into my life....
when i was standing alone (or as alone as i'd ever stand, alone) again....
when i'd least expected to find another soul in this world.....
when i'd finally accepted my life "as-is" ....
there he was....

it took me a while to finally convince mr clean that i was done.
he'd call soooo much.
he'd text sooo much in the beginning of mine and jason's relationship....
i was still a bit stupid, because i felt like i should somehow help mr clean heal from the "heartache" i'd caused him....

and one day, i just woke up....
and there was,
no more,
mr clean.....



Wednesday, June 2, 2010

part 7 mr clean.- roommate-ectomy.

the beginning of mr clean.






fun fact: i believe "-ectomy" is the removal of something....

.... day after day went by....
every morning i'd come downstairs after he'd left for work and check the notice to vacate.
still.... nothing.
no signature, but mine.

and then one morning,
it was gone.
no. flipping. way.
did he sign it?
did he sign it and turn it in to the front office?
i called the front office and asked if they'd received our notice to move out.
nope!
they hadn't received it.
what the hell did he do with the effing thing?
was that a tease?
did he WANT me to think he turned it in?
asshole.

i didn't bother calling him anymore.
so i figured i'd just wait until we crossed paths later that night.
i asked him about it and he had mentioned he picked it up earlier and thought about signing it....

"aaaand?" i'd asked.

"and what?" he asked back.

"sooooo?" i'd asked.

"so what?" he asked back.

real flipping mature, jack ass.
my conversation with this bald headed jerk was going no where.... fast.

he walked out onto the patio and lit one up....
smoked with his arms crossed, staring at me through the screen.... like an asshole.
he tilted his head back to blow the smoke out of his mouth, (while staring at me still) but looked like a smart ass instead.
"what a dick!" i couldn't help but think to myself multiple times.
i don't know what prevented me from stabbing a knife through the screen and into his eyeballs on multiple occasions either.
but i didn't.
it wasn't worth it.
it wasn't worth giving up the freedom that was so close, yet so far away....
at the times it felt close, i could almost taste it.
i could taste a cold daquiri on my lips.... laying poolside, without a care in the world....
without feeling an obligation to anyone else....
i could feel my cowboy boots scuffing the dance floor as i linedanced to my favorite tunes.
i could taste freedom, like a popsicle on a hot, summer day....
it was close....
or so i had hoped....

he put out his cigarette and came in....
eyes still peeled to me, as if his mind was going a million miles a minute, but the words just stayed behind....
he hadn't said a word....
until he came in and walked right by me....
says, non-chalantly, "i threw it away. i'm not signing it."

ASSHOLE!!!!
ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE!!!!!

holy FUCK i was pissed!
i knew this wasn't going to be easy....
it was april.
i was getting my tonsils out on may 8th.
i thought i'd be out by then....
but once you turn the notice in,
it's 30 days from the day you turn it in.
fuck!
i was still going to be living there on the 8th.... and apparently weeks after too!

i continued to print the notices.
i signed and dated them.
and each day,
he'd remove them.
only to throw them away.
i did this 8 times.
one.
two.
three four five sixseveneightfucking times!
i don't know WHY i did it so many times....
i guess i was just being a stubborn BITCH, but i did it eight times anyway....

finally, i knew this was just going to go on forever, (or until my work fired me for wasting their paper....) and at the rate we were going, i'd figured the latter would come first.

so i went to the front office one day.
it was a rainy ass day, and i felt like i was at the bottom.
i'd lost hope of saving my "reputation."
no one knew there were any ongoing issues....
at least i don't think they did.....
but at this point, i didn't care who thought i was fucked up beyond repair....
shit i didn't care if they FIRED me at this point, i needed to get the HELL out of that damned place!!! (the home we were renting, not the job)....
i went to the office when the manager was in...
i went into her office and sat down with her and told her, "look, i want to get out.... badly. i've signed 8 different notices to move out and he has thrown all 8 away.... he refuses to sign them. what do i do from here? i don't want the entire company knowing my business, but i need help...." i broke down into tears in her office. i knew this lady was going everywhere with my business....
and shortly after that, i started getting phone calls from people.
"i'm sorry. you guys are in a lease together.... you can't move out and hold him responsible, unless he releases you from the lease," is one of the things i'd heard.
"you can't force him out," is another.
"he HAS to sign the notice," was another.
"i'll see what i can do," was the most hopeful thing i'd heard....
that was from my regional.
i felt like at least SHE had my back....

i sat there wondering how the hell i was going to get out of this....
and then it hit me....
we hadn't lived there for a year yet!!!
in fact at this point, it was reaching the 5 month point!!!!
this is GOOD!!!!

and it is good, because....
there is something, somewhere in the lease agreement that says that if you are living in your apartment for less than a year, and your lease expiration is approaching, the management company can ask you to leave without having to provide any reasonable explanation.... (actually i think it's more like, "we can choose not to renew your lease without providing explanation," or something to that extent.)
so i went to my regional with THAT!
"can they serve US a 30 day notice to vacate the premises and not tell us why?" i'd asked desperately, "can they PLEASE?!!"
i was beyond desperate at this point....
and THAT worked....
no. FLIPPING. way.....
she'd contacted our front office and had the manager send US a notice that they were choosing NOT to renew our month to month lease agreement without any explanation.....
i'd made sure he was the one to receive it too!
so it was on the door when he came home....
he came to me and asked, "what's this all about?"

"oh shit!" i thought, "he KNOWS i told them to do it!!!"
"what is what all about?" i'd asked back, like i had no idea what the hell he was talking about.

"what does this mean?" he'd asked.

i said, "let me see it."
looked at it and said, "i think this means we have to move out in 30 days..."
he starts going on and on about how they can't do that, and "what's their reason for this?"
and blah blah blah....
i pulled out the lease and showed him exactly where it stated they COULD, in fact, do what they just did and then i proceeded to show him the line that HE signed SAYING they could do just that!!! he didn't know what to say.....
"i guess i'll start looking for a place," he said....

"YES!!!!! FUCKING YESSSSSSSSS!" i thought!
"holy shit!!! THIS WORKED!!!!"
i was hoping the excitement wasn't too apparent....
"do you need help finding a place?" i'd asked.
"not right now.... i'm good."
wooooo fucking hooooo!!!!!
i was elated.
beyond thrilled.
jumping for joy inside....
and when he walked out of the room, i even jumped for joy on the outside too....

may 8th came up and bit my ass much faster than i thought it would.

somehow during this time, we'd managed to become friends again....
we played video games together....
he was showing me places he had found and was thinking of renting....
i didn't know if it was real or not, but i think the excitement just took over me....
i didn't hate him anymore....
we were moving out....
and would be moving on....
and suddenly, being under the same roof wasn't all that bad.

on may 8th, he'd offered to take me to have my tonsils removed.
it was a quick outpatient procedure and he was an ICU nurse, and he would be the one who would have to wake up that early 430 am or whatever it was.... yeah whatever.
i don't know what i was thinking either, but i let him take me.....
and he waited for me while they took my tonsils out and he came in the back to see me after i recovered, although i didn't say much.
he went and filled my prescriptions for me....
went and bought some bullshit for me to eat.
and by bullshit, yes, i mean bullshit.
he got like soy fucking pudding.
yeah, have you ever eaten soy fucking pudding?
it tastes like shit!
i got all excited to eat chocolate pudding, and it tasted like rotten ass milk!!
i'm pretty sure he did that on purpose.
just to torture me.
but whatever.
i just didn't eat it....
and even though i was deathly hungry, i didn't care.
i was not going to eat some bullshit ass imitation pudding.
i wanted FOOD, dammit!
i wanted a freakin steak and baked potato....
do you know what it is like having tonsils, the size of bull testes removed from your throat?
it effing sucks.
and not just like sucks a little bit.
it sucks a lot of bit.
it's not like your wisdom teeth, where you can bite down on gauze to stop the bleeding....
no.
it's like "oh. your mouth is bleeding? well why don't you swallow it. go ahead, keep swallowing. you'll eventually puke it all up and it'll come out of your nose and you'll pretty much think you're dying.... but just go ahead and SWALLOW IT!!!!!"
do you know how many times i woke up because "a tiny artery ruptured in my throat" in the middle of the night (and day)?? yeah. more than i would have liked to.....
it was the most AWFUL experience (besides living with him), that i'd ever experienced....
it was like SQUIRTING in the back of my mouth and all i could do was swallow the freakin blood... SICK!!!!

whoa! way off topic!
back to the whole "mr clean" story.
sorry.
he seriously took off like 2 weeks or something like that to take care of me.....
he was a registry nurse, so he pretty much told them when he wanted to work....
and told them he'd needed time to get me healthy again.
that was nice, huh?
but i'm pretty sure he didn't do anything that didn't benefit him (or HOPEFULLY benefitted him) either....
i think he just wanted the time off....
or had hoped i'd change my mind about moving.

i ditched the bull testes tonsils....
and was on my way to ditching the roommate....

things were headed in the right direction....

Monday, May 31, 2010

beautiful, white russian. woot!

A big, huge thank you to Mr. Patrick Tillett over at "Extremely Overdue," which is just an extremely awesome blog, that if you are not already following, well you should.... but go back to his childhood stories.... you gotta go back into time with him.... he has had one hell of a life, and has boatloads of crazy, awesome, sad, and hilarious stories to tell. he is also an AMAZING photographer and posts pictures from all over.... he's just great. Go check him out!!!



And THEN, there is BayGirl32 from "What's the Story Morning Glory?" who kindly gave me this Beautiful Blogger award!!! She has stories of ALL kinds. I love her absolute honesty and she makes me laugh! Is it weird to not know someone in person but totally respect them anyway?? Because I definitely respect her for all that she is and does!! (she even stays up late studying!!!!) Go check her out!
The rules: pass the award on to 7 bloggers and write 7 things about myself that you did not know!

Let's see....

1. i produce my best results when i'm overworked and stressed out, however i don't like being overworked and stressed out.... but think that maybe i secretly do, because that is when i produce my best results.... in almost everything.... does that make sense?

2. i haven't ever had to go to jury duty. everyone says how much they hate jury duty. i sometimes think i might like it.... however, i have a hard time assuming innocence for many people once they've been arrested, which then leads to my assumption that i likely wouldn't be picked to be on a jury, but i still think it might be kinda cool....

3. in 2007, i came up with a business idea and a few weeks later came up with a business name.... wanted to share this business idea with my very best friend in the world (aka "boss").... the one whose friendship i lost because of mr clean. to this day, i think she still plans to go forward with the business (i don't know if she plans to use the name or not), but i woke up thinking about that this morning and i think it would bother me if she used the name that i picked. that sounds selfish, doesn't it?

4. i have a fairly large sized, orange and red koi fish tattooed down the left side of my rib cage with my daughter's name (in japanese) inside. it was actually just my daughter's name down my rib cage, and then a few years later i added the koi around it.... i also have 2 other tattoos, that are also in japanese.... i am a quarter japanese.... go figure.

5. even though i have duplicate checks (the kind that keep a carbon copy of the check you wrote), i usually STILL act surprised when the money's taken out of the account a week or so later.... i usually have forgotten about the check i had written by then, and somehow feel cheated when the money's gone. you'd think, by now, i would have stopped ordering checks....

6. i never know how to study for a quiz or test unless the professor tells me exactly how to do it.... i usually think i've got all the information i need for the test and then when i sit down to do it, i sit there looking at the questions like, "ummm, did they even GO OVER THIS?!?" and i think that's pretty much one of the worst feelings ever.....

7. i wish i could make money writing.... but i'm pretty sure i can't, so i'm going to school for Nursing and writing and making/drinking coffee for (money) and fun. =)

i'm supposed to pass this on to 7 bloggers.... Forgive me for postponing this one for JUST a bit.... i'm going to have to sit on this one for a few.... but i WILL! =)

Thank you again Pat and BayGirl!!! They are very much appreciated!!!!

Sunday, May 30, 2010

part 6 mr clean. - to move out or not to move out.

the beginning of mr clean





.... i sat there in the tub, realizing i wanted out....
soooo badly i wanted out.

it had come to this point of just co-existing....
well, it pretty much had been since a few nights after we moved in together....
i'd try to go to sleep as early as possible...
and even if i really wasn't sleeping, i'd act like i was so that he wouldn't talk to me.
he always wanted to watch tv shows, talk, stay up late, sit outside and talk.
i wanted none of it.
he'd try to do sweet, romantic things, that just weren't sweet and romantic to me....
not even a little bit.
like light candles and buy a bottle of wine and have it set up outside with some flowers picked or bought or whatever....
i seriously wouldn't even acknowledge the flowers.
i'd turn the lights on....
and blow out the candles....
"i don't feel like drinking. thanks," i'd say as he sat waiting to "take my hand to lead me outside to sit with him...."
i didn't care about him or any of his stupid tactics anymore....
part of me felt bad for the efforts he was putting forth.
the other part of me felt like "where the hell were these kind gestures before?! hmmm?! asshole!"

it was april. i wanted out.
i needed out....
but i didn't know how to go about it.
we were month to month where we were. (as an employee, that's what you were)
i printed out an intent to vacate notice....
perfect.
the only requirement?
BOTH of our signatures....

i signed and dated it immediately, slipped in in my purse to take home and have him sign it too....
only he didn't know it was coming....
not even a little bit.
not even a HINT that it was coming....

that night i came home to candles....
to flowers....
to dinner made.
the whole place smelled wonderful.
but i wouldn't dare tell him that.
hell no.
he had a paper to sign....
right?
this was what i wanted to do, right?
RIGHT?!

wait.... do i really want to do this alone.... again???

i passed on the dinner.
and he was okay with it.
a bit disappointed, but okay with it.
put all the food into containers and into the fridge.
poured 2 glasses of wine and asked if i'd sit outside with him.

i passed on the wine as well.
but did sit outside for a brief moment.
but only because the creek was soooo peaceful....
all you could hear were the frogs, the crickets and the streaming water....
the stars lit up the sky....
it could have been very romantic....

until the words from my brain somehow linked to my mouth and came spewing out....
i'd fantasized about making this a good thing....
a positive thing....
about letting him off slowly....
easily.....

"i'm not happy." *pause* "i want to move out. i already printed the notice and i signed it. i just need you to sign it too."

i still had my purse on my shoulder....

he was dumbfounded.
he pleaded a little bit.
leaned back in his chair.
flipped over an empty pot to grab his hidden cigarettes.
nice!
after alllll that we had already gone through.
he was STILL hiding shit.
like cigarettes.
how did he hide them from me?!
how did i not know?
i'll tell you how.
because he'd smoke outside when i wasn't there.
he'd get rid of all of the evidence....
change his clothes.
wash them.
he was always doing laundry "for" me while i was working.
aaaaand, the biggest way he hid it from me?
i wasn't kissing him anymore.
i wasn't close enough to his face to even smell it if he were.

he. was. pissed.
he said he wasn't going to sign it.
said he wasn't going to just sign the paper.
wasn't going to do it.

i could feel the anger rising....
it started in the pit of my stomach and felt as though it was churning....
from my stomach up my esophagus....
that twisting, crunching feeling like you're going to explode....
like all the heat your body contains is just radiating off of your ears....
that's how i felt....
and i swallowed all of that anger.
ALL of it.
and walked inside.
still in my work clothes.
purse still over my shoulder.
i pulled out the signed notice to vacate, looked down at it for a second.
i knew it was the right thing to do....
i ignored any and all of the feelings i had felt, and KNEW it was the right thing to do.
i set it on the buffet piece under the dim lamp and headed upstairs....
maybe if he saw it.
signed.
and dated.
maybe, just maybe, he'd know i meant it....
and maybe, just maybe,
he'd sign the damned thing....