mr clean (part 2)

the beginning of mr. clean

so.... 2 days before she was supposed to be headed back to the east coast, i get a call from mr clean.

i'm sitting at my desk at work.

he called the office phone.

i give my introduction and then i hear his voice. "ashley?"

"uhhh, yeah?"

"can you sneak away for a bit and meet me over in the parking lot at the grocery store?" he asks.

"what? where are you? why?" i am completely confused.

i think (but do not say), "first of all, i'm working. second, where is your blonde babe at? you've completely ditched me for her this past week. why the EFF do you want me to meet you in the parking lot of the stupid grocery store that she's been walking to to get groceries to make your stupid ass dinner every night..... and if you didn't think i saw the flowers she was carrying... i did.... and if you think i didn't see you guys sitting out on the porch where you and i used to sit? well, i did!!"

it's like my mind kind of drifted to where I have been these past few days.... what IIII have been doing to fill MYYYY time while he's been with her.... i wondered if he'd seen me stumbling around the property, making my way over to my best friend's apartment (who happened to live on the same side of the complex as him).... i wonder if he had any idea how completely DRUNK i was after having 2 bottles of my OWN wine BY MYSELF!!!! i wonder if he saw that.... or if he saw me walking my dog.... BY MYSELF.... i knew he COULD see me from his patio, but i wondered if he did....

anyway, back to his call....

"i went into work today, but they let me go early. i needed to come talk to you. i need to see you," he said.

"let me see what i can do." and i REALLY went and asked if i could take an extended break and that i'd stay late to cover the time i was gone....

my best friend just so happened to be my boss.

she knew the situation and said "don't be long."

i hopped in my car and drove to the grocery store parking lot and hopped into his truck.

he went on to tell me how these past few days had been sooo rough....

not being able to see me....

or talk to me....

they've been driving him nuts....

he told me he'd called his dad and his dad could sense the hesitation and hurt in his voice....

and i TOTALLY fell for this shit...

kind of.

i think my gut new otherwise...

but ignore the gut....

i wanted to hear more weepy shit.

his eyes watered as he proceeded to tell me how he couldn't wait for her to go back home. how he was going to tell her that night that he wanted to be with me.... that he didn't want to continue to lead her on.... he was going to tell her tonight.... and then she would leave and everything would be magical and wonderful with us again, just like it was....

i wanted to believe that.

and so i did.

against my better judgment i totally believed that....

or at least i pretended to....

i felt all strong and like i had the upperhand....

i think he knew he was in again....

i was still there.

i hadn't gone anywhere.... not yet.

she left....

and he came to me the day she left.... just like he'd done on my birthday the month before....

only this time, i had had enough.

i wasn't going to do this again.

if she came out here again, i wasn't going to sit through it again....

"did you sleep with her?" i'd asked.

he looked down, almost like a punished little boy....

"ash.... c'mon. i don't wanna talk about... ugh." and he kinda shook his shoulders in disgust.

he looked up at me, "once. only once, and it made me sick. all i could do was think of you the whole time."

ONCE! YAY! ONLY ONCE!!!! i couldn't believe i was actually RELIEVED to know it was only ONCE!!!! and not every single night while she was there!!!

august went on, and september was approaching.... he told me about his friend's wedding on the east coast.... the east coast just so happened to be the same state that "she" lived in.... hmmm i thought to myself.... "i wonder if she's going to go." but i didn't ask. i didn't want to scare him away. he wasn't technically my boyfriend, so i'd just sit back and see what else comes up... i'll just enjoy the time we spend together..... and then the distance began. he wanted a little bit more space again.... and the date rapidly approached. i didn't even KNOW if he was going to see her or not.... i didn't know if he would be taking her with him to the wedding or not....

and i didn't. even. ask.

no, i just went along with life like it was grand and peachy and cheerful with a cherry on top.

i'd watched the movie "the secret" and fell in love with the movie. i wrote out about 10 pages of notes on the film and decided at the last minute, to make him a little booklet with some of the sayings.... after all, that's what he loved about me.... my optimism....

so i made this cute little book (about wallet sized) with a few great sayings.... hole-punched it and tied it together with some ribbon and had a card written out to him. it was just a friendly card, wishing him a safe and fun trip. i let him know how much i enjoyed spending time together and all that we were doing.... and blah blah. i really don't remember what it said, but i DO remember it was more of a friendly card than a lovey card. i wasn't lovey at that point.

so i had gone over to his apartment the night before he was leaving to go out of town. i slipped the card and booklet into his carryon, in the side pocket.... it worked out perfectly. the "not knowing if she was going to be there with him or not", was beginning to eat me alive.... and that night, i'd asked.... "are you going to see her while you're there? is she going with you to the wedding?"

"i don't know ashley. i have no idea. i haven't decided yet."

but he seemed so.... ANGRY that i asked him....

instantly, i felt guilty for asking, but then quickly snapped out of the guilt and snapped into feeling entitled. "well dammit! i deserve to know if you're going to the wedding with that whore!" okay, no i didn't say that, but i thought it, and apparently my attitude showed that that was exactly how i felt. we said goodbye, not on the best of terms, and he said he'd be home in a week. i had offered to watch his dog and walk her and feed her for the week that he was gone. he declined. he had hired a dogwalker to come by, 3 times a day, $20 a time.... that was $60 a day that i had offered to save him and he declined....

i should have known his plans were of some other sort.... something other than a 7 day trip to the east coast for his friend's wedding....