Sunday, May 30, 2010

part 6 mr clean. - to move out or not to move out.

the beginning of mr clean





.... i sat there in the tub, realizing i wanted out....
soooo badly i wanted out.

it had come to this point of just co-existing....
well, it pretty much had been since a few nights after we moved in together....
i'd try to go to sleep as early as possible...
and even if i really wasn't sleeping, i'd act like i was so that he wouldn't talk to me.
he always wanted to watch tv shows, talk, stay up late, sit outside and talk.
i wanted none of it.
he'd try to do sweet, romantic things, that just weren't sweet and romantic to me....
not even a little bit.
like light candles and buy a bottle of wine and have it set up outside with some flowers picked or bought or whatever....
i seriously wouldn't even acknowledge the flowers.
i'd turn the lights on....
and blow out the candles....
"i don't feel like drinking. thanks," i'd say as he sat waiting to "take my hand to lead me outside to sit with him...."
i didn't care about him or any of his stupid tactics anymore....
part of me felt bad for the efforts he was putting forth.
the other part of me felt like "where the hell were these kind gestures before?! hmmm?! asshole!"

it was april. i wanted out.
i needed out....
but i didn't know how to go about it.
we were month to month where we were. (as an employee, that's what you were)
i printed out an intent to vacate notice....
perfect.
the only requirement?
BOTH of our signatures....

i signed and dated it immediately, slipped in in my purse to take home and have him sign it too....
only he didn't know it was coming....
not even a little bit.
not even a HINT that it was coming....

that night i came home to candles....
to flowers....
to dinner made.
the whole place smelled wonderful.
but i wouldn't dare tell him that.
hell no.
he had a paper to sign....
right?
this was what i wanted to do, right?
RIGHT?!

wait.... do i really want to do this alone.... again???

i passed on the dinner.
and he was okay with it.
a bit disappointed, but okay with it.
put all the food into containers and into the fridge.
poured 2 glasses of wine and asked if i'd sit outside with him.

i passed on the wine as well.
but did sit outside for a brief moment.
but only because the creek was soooo peaceful....
all you could hear were the frogs, the crickets and the streaming water....
the stars lit up the sky....
it could have been very romantic....

until the words from my brain somehow linked to my mouth and came spewing out....
i'd fantasized about making this a good thing....
a positive thing....
about letting him off slowly....
easily.....

"i'm not happy." *pause* "i want to move out. i already printed the notice and i signed it. i just need you to sign it too."

i still had my purse on my shoulder....

he was dumbfounded.
he pleaded a little bit.
leaned back in his chair.
flipped over an empty pot to grab his hidden cigarettes.
nice!
after alllll that we had already gone through.
he was STILL hiding shit.
like cigarettes.
how did he hide them from me?!
how did i not know?
i'll tell you how.
because he'd smoke outside when i wasn't there.
he'd get rid of all of the evidence....
change his clothes.
wash them.
he was always doing laundry "for" me while i was working.
aaaaand, the biggest way he hid it from me?
i wasn't kissing him anymore.
i wasn't close enough to his face to even smell it if he were.

he. was. pissed.
he said he wasn't going to sign it.
said he wasn't going to just sign the paper.
wasn't going to do it.

i could feel the anger rising....
it started in the pit of my stomach and felt as though it was churning....
from my stomach up my esophagus....
that twisting, crunching feeling like you're going to explode....
like all the heat your body contains is just radiating off of your ears....
that's how i felt....
and i swallowed all of that anger.
ALL of it.
and walked inside.
still in my work clothes.
purse still over my shoulder.
i pulled out the signed notice to vacate, looked down at it for a second.
i knew it was the right thing to do....
i ignored any and all of the feelings i had felt, and KNEW it was the right thing to do.
i set it on the buffet piece under the dim lamp and headed upstairs....
maybe if he saw it.
signed.
and dated.
maybe, just maybe, he'd know i meant it....
and maybe, just maybe,
he'd sign the damned thing....


6 comments:

Ms. Anthropy said...

Anticipating the next installment.

John McElveen said...

What power and honesty. I'm hooked. I came over via Pat Tillett. He is the best!

Do you mind if I follow along?

John

Ashley King said...

@Ms A. it's coming!!!

@John. THANK YOU! i'd love it if you follow along! =) the more the merrier! i do have to agree and say Pat is the best, however, it might be a bit biased, considering he is married to my mother.... ;) i didn't expect this blog to be such a big hit, as it was my 2nd blog and usually takes back seat to my other! but i welcome you along for this crazy ride none-the-less!!!

Thank you again!!! did you happen to go back to part 1 by chance? there's much more to the story than part 6 alone.... ;)

buymebarbies said...

Step by step, day by day, little by little, minute by minute, the innocence got chipped away.....I know when that point comes, when the decision is made. Lights out!!

Marlene said...

I'm with Ms. Anthropy....anxiously awaiting the next installment.

John McElveen said...

Oh that is sooo cool!!!

I read the Beginning of Mr Clean and then parts 2, 3 , & 4..... did I miss one? 1 ar ar!

John