flowers (and bullshit) for the last time.

You all remember mr. Clean. The one who screwed my best friend while I was in TN with my dying father.

Well, I had saved some of his last words to me (which was at the beginning of mine and jason's relationship. I had actually made some other blog about telling people how much you love them before it was too late or some crap like that and i only say "or some crap like that" because what this dude had for me was not love, and i only know that now), because for the first time, it didn't phase me.... Any other time in my life, I probably would have cried and gone running back, but not this time. I already KNEW jason was beyond special....

And for once, I did something "unstupid."

Mr clean was the ICU nurse. Remember?
_____________________________


she was 66....and had mainly respiratory issues....One by one, we attempted to fight off her issues.we placed tubes, lines, drains, tried to stop her bleeding....all to no avail. her husband and i spent a good amount of time talking about her being on the ventilator with all the medicated drips and such, and i listened as he talked about their 45 years of marriage, the good and the bad. he said their love carried them through a lot of ups and downs in that time. He asked why he had to be put in this spot.... to make the call regarding her life support. I related to him a story about you calling me about being power of attorney and said that you knew without question that i would uphold your wishes, no matter how difficult....he squinted his eyes and said, "you love her don't you?".... i said, "yes, yes i do.... very much." after that i stood behind him while he was at her bedside, her face a blue gray hue, he kissed her and held her hand a while.Then he stood up, turned around and told me to turn off the drips and to take the tube out of her mouth, that she would never have wanted to be this way. As much as he wanted to cling to the hope of her recovery, he knew that she chose to be with him for 45 years for the strength he now had to muster. After she passed, i let him grieve for a while.... he cried. He would never lay next to her, be kissed by her, be yelled at by her, and only once more will he give her flowers. My eyes were apparently red and moist as he then put his hand on my shoulder and said that i needed to forgive myself. I gave a blank stare and told him that I was here for him and that i'm good. He asked how many times I'd been in this situation. I said,"several....though each passing is unique.". He said to me then, just before he left, that I carried him through the process. HE said that without my guidance he may not have been able to tap into the strength required to see the plain view. I said something snappy like "that's what i'm here for." Then he looked deep into my eyes and said that each of the souls I help to release weighs a burden on mine, a burden that needs resolved. He asked if the girl I loved eased those burdens when I got home. I looked up and said, "someday." he once again told me to forgive myself and that he admired my spirit. It's almost as if I can feel his loss, waking up cold, alone, when not long ago he relished in a loving relationship. No more "honey do you want coffee?" to be echoed through the house... just the faint sounds of the world outside the walls he now weeps behind, an occasional random creek of the floor or the bump of a closing drawer.
____________________________

Yeah, you're right! Ya better move on, ya big douche nozzle (the part that actually goes in the, well you know)!!! That's what you get for bangin my best friend!!!! Pssssh! Put DAT in your book!!!

Burrrrnn....

(P.s. To the ex, not the poor grieving old man)

Time's undone. (originally written on November 24th 2005)

excuse me.

please ignore,

the countless times before....

the times I said to leave,

but stood there pulling on your sleeve.

begging you to stay,

fighting so hard to push away....

i'm weak.

i'd flee...

somehow you've still won,

defeat....

the tears,

they're dry....

they cannot fill my eyes...

i tried,

to stand.

i'm walking on my hands....

it's raw....

i'm done.

it's ended,

time's undone....

Nightcrawler. (originally written on may 17th 2005)

belittle me.

put me down,

to a stair that rests below you.

and i fall to my knees,

like the one

you say i am.

and try to climb my way back up,

but i only end up at your feet.

a selfish man's soul.

7 yrs.

4 months.

3 weeks.

and 2 days old.

there's so much resentment built up.

and damages no one, but me.

the resentments are so far repressed,

that most of the time, i barely even know they exist.

but they do.

and every now and again, i know, very much so, that they exist....

you've had the leisure to do with your time as you've pleased.

to go to the gym.

to do homework.

to go on a date.

to go to a party.

to drink.

to dance.

to vacation.

to be everywhere else, but here.

you've had the leisure to do with your time as you've pleased.

you've lived south of us.

they've all lived north of us.

we were right in between.

but the phone calls never came,

when you'd pass our house.

you'd just continue driving north,

in one of your many new cars....

what a selfish man's soul does not know,

is the pricetag on a child's life....

the cost to raise a child.

the food they eat.

the doctor's appointments.

the childcare.

the clothes.

the fundraisers.

the games.

the hobbies.

the cost of a home in an area worth living in,

where you don't fear your child's safety,

and you know they are receiving a wonderful education.

what a selfish man's soul does not hear,

are the whimpers of her cries....

"i'm hungry."

"i don't feel well."

"i want. i want. i want."

"i don't wanna take a bath."

"i don't wanna go to bed."

"i don't wanna eat that."

"i don't wanna go to the dentist."

"where's my other shoe?"

"where's my homework?"

"what should i wear?"

"what should i eat for breakfast?"

"how do you spell....?"

"look!"

"look it!"

"mom! look!"

"mom!"

"mom!"

what he can't smell,

is her freshly brushed breath,

blowing in your face to ensure she's brushed well enough.

he can't smell,

her freshly washed hair

that smothers your face when she hugs you goodnight.

a selfish man's soul cannot smell

the dirt on her hands when she's fallen in the sand from jumping off the monkey bars,

or swings.

you can't smell the freshly baked brownies,

she excitedly awaits to finish baking....

she mixed them herself, you know.

what a selfish man's soul doesn't feel

are her arms around his neck.

or her lips pressed to your cheek.

you cannot FEEEEL her love from a distance.

you cannot FEEEEL her pain.

you cannot FEEEEL her heart's desires.

her wants.

her yearns.

you can't FEEEEL any of that.

a selfish man's soul cannot see

the growth in her height.

her crooked smile.

her face light up when she figures something out.....

her gappy smile, when she loses another tooth.

you cannot see the letters she writes to the toothfairy or to Santa Claus.

you cannot read the books she writes.

(unless of course I order extra copies for you)....

you cannot see the work she does at school, unless i show it to you.

you do not donate money for her to win a prize,

as she jumpropes to help children with sick hearts.....

you cannot see her glue foam hearts together and lay them all out for every member in her family....

you cannot see the distance that she feels.

she needs not my words to figure it out.

i leave them out.

she is above and beyond any level of intelligence you could ever imagine.

but a selfish man's soul....

would never know,

the goodness of her good soul....

a bit of advice.

Couples (and/or families) who play together,

stay together....

so play (and laugh, genuinely) often! =)

that's not love. that's just some codependent shit right there.

let me tell you this.... overlapping relationships, just doesn't work very well....

no, it just doesn't work at all.

well, it could....

but it's not healthy....

and if and WHEN you DO get into the right relationship, you don't ever want to look back with any type of regret, that you weren't totally COMMITTED to either one.

i don't mean you're screwing two people at the same time....

i mean that you are emotionally invested in more than one person at a time....

it's lethal.

so is sleeping with 2 people at a time, and i could really go off on a tangent about this one, but i'll leave it at "it's lethal. just don't do it."

i've clearly overlapped relationships on multiple occasions without even realizing it at the time....

before jason, was probably the best i'd ever felt "alone."

and by "alone" i mean, still having people to talk to, but committed to none of them....

i finally felt independent and like i was doing the things that IIIII wanted to do....

felt like i was being a great mom.

a good daughter (i think).

a good sister and friend.

after i broke up with mr clean, i still felt this obligation to take care of his feelings....

i was the one who left that relationship against everything he ever wanted.

he fought it like hell, but i was SO not in it anymore.

i even started thinking i really cared about one of my guy friends, which was totally just wrong and not true....

i thought that because i was the one leaving the relationship, and he was hurt, i had some OBLIGATION to help him through his shitty feelings....

"i don't hate you," i'd tell him multiple times a week.

"i just don't trust you. i couldn't ever trust you and i don't want to live the rest of my life like that."

you know, there was one point in our relationship (the very beginning of it, before we were ever together, that i imagined the type of happiness i had felt to last a lifetime)....

i knew that the type of happiness i had felt was the one that i wanted with my lifetime partner....

that just so happened to not be him, and i knew that fairly quickly.

i couldn't EVER picture walking down an aisle to him.

after all that had happened.

i couldn't imagine who my maid of honor would be.

certainly not the one who messed around with him.

because how awkward would that be?

my family wouldn't be supportive of the marriage....

something MUST be wrong...

it was just wrong on a million different accounts, and like i said, i never once thought i could marry that man....

that should have been my clue to leave....

but it wasn't.

but eventually i did....

and that's when Jason came in the picture,

when i had least (at the VERY LEAST) expected it....

that night is SOOOO fresh in my mind.... still. =) ahhh. new love.

you see, Jason and I had come out of crappy relationships (both of our exes had cheated on us; both of us tried to continue the relationship in hopes of feeling the same; both of us feeling like we had the upper hand now; both of us realizing how stupid we were to have tried to make it work out; and both of us eventually getting out of the relationships).... the relationships had both ended less than a year prior to us meeting.... i didn't have high expectations.

high hopes?

maybe....

great expectations?

none.

we both still felt OBLIGATED (for whatever reason) to "help our exes through their feelings about the break up." stupid right?

well we did.

jason still talked to his ex on occasion (which is another story, i won't get into, because for the first time in many years and at the very beginning of my pregnancy, a glimmer of that Giggity muthaflippin GHETTO reared its ugly ass head again) thankfully my husband is an extremely levelheaded man, who calmed me.

anyway.... sorry about the distraction.... and then there was i, who would still answer mr clean's crying phone calls (in the beginning) and try to talk him through it and tell him there was no way we were going to get back together and that one day he'd move on and be very happy too.... and he would just apologize and all this stuff and it was just stupid.

why did i waste so much time on that?

i thought, "ohhh, well, because i did care for him very much at one time, and i'm just not the type of person to shut someone out like that, no matter what..." and "oh, that's just not me... i wouldn't want someone to do that for me...." or "that is what sets me apart from everyone else." blah blah blah.... BULLSHIT!

i am was VERY codependent!

i, for whatever FLIPPING reason, felt it very necessary to be the shoulder that everyone in the world could cry on.

don't get me wrong, there is a huge part of me that still does this, but i am learning from this slowly.

if i wanted to be the freakin shithole for everyone to BARF in, i should have been a toilet gone to school to be a therapist, like i had originally wanted to out of high school.... sort of....

i still like to help people through crap, and i am constantly trying to tell myself that i want to help people because i love them.... i'm not entirely convinced it's love.... i'm certain it's still codependency related shit.

HOWEVER, there is still an extremely hopeful side of me that would love to help a few people out, because if a few lives could be changed for the better, the world is a "few better people" closer to being a better place overall.... *insert "we are the world" music here* what a perfect theme for earth day (this thursday), right?

anyway.... jason and i did this book "all about us" when we first got together and it was great. loved it. reading over it the other day, is what made me think about us talking to our exes and trying to "help them through their rough times".... thankfully, i didn't accept the invitation to go over to my ex's apartment, which was on the beach, and watch a movie with him....

i thought about it, and had almost even convinced myself that it would totally be okay, because i cared about jason soooo much that i wasn't going to do anything with mr clean. after talking it over with jason, he didn't think it was a good idea, and then i thought about it and thought, "if i care about jason THIS much, why in the WORLD would i POSSIBLY jeopardize what we have? to look back on this STUPID incident and blame myself for chipping away any of the innocence of a brand new relationship...." you know?

like i said,

that wasn't love.

that was just some codependent shit right there....

monty is short for "geek from montana" pt.2

i was moving into my own place soon. actually i may have already moved.

we didn't have a dvd player.

i had gone snowboarding a few times.

enjoyed it.

in a desperate attempt to reconcile,

monty bought me an xbox (when they first came out) and all the stuff i'd need to watch dvd's. (i think you needed some special remote kit thingy).

he bought matching snowboards (surprised me with this after he went to some snow show convention type thing).

and a platinum /diamond ring.

the ring was cute,

but it was from him.

so i wouldn't wear it.

EVER.

he made the mistake of giving it all to me....

i didn't return it at the time.

hell no.

i wanted a dvd player.

i had the paperwork to return the ring for $$.

and i could sell the snowboard.

i didn't want matching snowboards with HIM!!!!

(truth be told,

i did offer to give it all back to him.

but he didn't want any of it back.)

i remember we had made a trip to costco while the wounds were still fresh.

for whatever reason, he wanted to tag along....

perhaps, it's because he wanted to pay the $300 shopping tab....

my trunk was full....

i dropped him back off at his apartment,

and carried a few things of his inside, when his phone rang....

i could hear the girl on the other end....

"come outside," she said.

blood began to boil.

i knew it was frank's girlfriend again.

why the HELL is she calling? (i thought to myself)....

i looked at him.

he clearly didn't know what to do....

she said, "she's here isn't she? i see her car. come to the back alley now."

he said, "no. i'm not coming out."

i yell in the background, "BUT I AM!"

and headed for the alley.

i'm ready to throw down in the freakin back alley.

i'm ready to pound her face in, in front of him.

i'm ready to pop my trunk and be like, "ooooh, look what he just bought me!"

(i told you i was stupid!!!!)

again, it was about being the "Better one".... the "one he would choose over anyone else...."

(probably because i felt like my dad chose his wife over us.... like SHE was better than MEEE.... now for ONCE, iiiiii would be better than anyone else.... IIII would be the chosen one..... whatever. it's all retarded and hindsight's 20/20, right?)

anyway, i go out to the back (oh, by the way, there are 2 dozen red roses in my car that he had purchased from costco for me too...)

i walk out there and sure enough she's parked over by my car with 2 other girls in her car with her.

she rolls her window down, and all of a sudden, TODAY, she's feeling a lot braver than the last time we'd had an encounter with each other....

i remember her saying to monty, "i thought you weren't seeing her anymore?"

monty just stands there kinda dumbfounded, not having any idea as to what he should say....

i look at monty, with the meanest most intimidating look i have, and say, "oh really? we're not seeing each other anymore? is that why you just bought all of this?" *pushes keyless entry trunk popper opener thing and the trunk pops open* smoooooootttttth move, right? lol. yeah, pretty stupid looking back, but whatever. it worked out great at the time.... the xbox was right on top.... well the roses were on top of the xbox and my trunk was FILLED with crap (well the groceries were on top of all the other crap that was already in my car, so it made it look like he had likely spent thousands of dollars in purchases for me. ha!)

i'm beyond pissed at this point, and wanted to kick the shit out of her.... her car AND her.... but as angry as i was, i still feared the law more.... so i said something like, "you sure are acting a whole lot tougher now that you brought your back up with you. why don't you step out of the car and f****n do something.... that's what you came for, right?" *slight pause, nothing happens*

"get the f*** out of your car B***H!!!!"

*still nothing*

no one said anything.

not even the other girls she had with her....

monty's asking me to "please stop ashley, it's not worth it."

finally frank's gf says, "oh yeah? really? are you CHOOSING her? huh? are you?"

he looks at her, and looks at me and nods.... she waits for a moment, almost not believing what had just happened....

then looks back up at me and says, "ohhh, and by the way. you wonder if we've been sleeping together? we have...." and away she drives....

i'm FURIOUS at this point....

yeah, sure he just "chose" me over HER, but none of that needed to take place.

i took the roses out of the car and threw them at him.... i got in my car to leave, and again, he jumped in between my door and car, so that i couldn't shut it....

i gave him a few short seconds to move.... he wouldn't, so i just started driving up the alley, yelling at him to get off my car... MIND YOU, he's HOLDING THE 2 DOZEN ROSES IN ONE HAND trying to put them in my car while trying to shut off my car at the same time!!!!

someone hears me screaming at him and calls the police.... they were there within seconds.... they pulled in the alley, facing me head on....

lights shining right at me to the point that i couldn't see anything in front of me.

all i could hear were their voices over the loud speaker telling monty to step away from my vehicle with his hands up and behind his head....

"walk backwards towards me," the loud voice said....

he's walking backwards, now crying.....

they take him and slam him against the hood of their car and check all of him over.

in his right pocket, they find a folding knife....

they put him in handcuffs and in the back of their car.

for whatever reason, i called his mom (after i called mine).

both of our moms come.... he DOESN'T go to jail.

i am hysterical and end up being driven home.....

i'm pretty certain we still talked after that....

but i was done.

checked out.

moved on.

in love?

nope.

stupid?

VERY!

insecure.... beyond belief....

(jenni, did i leave something out?) lol.

monty is short for "geek from montana" pt.1

so there was this guy.

he was new to our school from montana.

he was so quiet.

kinda cute. (or so i thought at the time, BARF! he's so ugly now.)

so quiet.

didn't have a whole lot of friends.

so i befriended him of course.

(i was codependent back then, even in high school)

i ended up breaking up with big burly ex and dating this guy,

who was almost as baby-ish as baby bird (blog entry #2)....

he cried over EVERYTHING!!!!

ugh!

anyway....

obviously there was something baby cute about him that other girls saw too, because lots of girls started befriending him as well....

he had 2 close guy friends and then many girl friends.

frank and johnny (is what we'll call his friends)....

frank was a bad ass, always getting into trouble.

he had a long time gf.

johnny seemed like he just followed whatever frank was doing....

and then "monty" just followed them both....

well we'd had our rollercoaster of a relationship thus far, when monty decided he was going to move out and in with his brother into his brother's apt.

this was the start of D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R!!!!

we were fighting a lot about petty stuff, and so one night i was feeling extra lovey dovey, and made him this card....

i went to drop my sister off at the movies and then swung by the apt....

BAD IDEA!!!!

the apt was guarded with a glass door (and windows around the door) and a "call box" thingy.... i dialed their apt (which i could see from the glass door).

it was pitch black.

but his truck was there.

and so was his brother's.

they MUST be sitting in the dark.... TOGETHER??? really??

something wasn't right....

brother answers and i ask if i can come in....

he stumbles over his own words and hangs up on me after much hesitation.

i call monty's cell phone.

he's stumbling over his.

eventually, someone leaves the apartment complex, and i sneak in through the glass door.

i walk up to the front door, DETERMINED as all hell to find out what the hell is hiding behind door number 6 (or whatever their apt number was)....

they are both peeking through the curtains (like i'm not going to see them.... come on!)

then monty opens the front door but baaarely.... and i see frank's girlfriend in a blanket on the couch, and all the lights are out.... (or there were some other girls there.... this happened twice and one of the times was with frank's girlfriend and one of the times were with a couple other girls from high school.... both times i was pissed, but obviously stupid enough to have gone back for some type of interaction with him)....

the ghetto in me wanted to rear its ugly ass head, but i turned my back and walked away.... well.... more like stormed away, but you get the point....

he comes running after me.... follows me out to my car.... i'm like freaking, blood boiling pissed right now, and have tried everything in my power to refrain from punching him in the face....

i walk out to my red jetta at the time and get in.... he is RIGHT behind me....

my seatbelt was one of those automatic ones that were connected to the door, so as i tried to close the door, he jumped in between the car door so i couldn't shut it.... i held onto my steering wheel, looking straight ahead and said, "get the f*** out of the way...." (i paused and waited for him to get the f*** out of the way)....

"get out of my way.... NOW....." (i paused again, waiting to see if he'd move)

"i'm going to give you FIVE seconds to get the F*** OUT of the way before i MOVE you out of my way!!!"

he doesn't move.

all of my adrenaline now turns into RAGE, and i get out of my car and SHOVE him away from my car (mind you, i'm parked on a busy street), and although he is no where even CLOSE to being hit by a car, he swore the cars "speeding past him, JUST missed him".... (oh well, then you should have moved the FIRST flippin time i asked, right?!)

one of the girls was standing behind the glass door, and i just remember telling her crazy, spazzoidingly politely, to back the f**** up please go inside before i knocked a bitch out likely flipped out on her too. =)

this was like alll super dramatic and dumb and yet another incredibly stupid time i went back for more....

in love?

NOPE!

just insecure....

my catalyst to change....

aside from therapy, of course....

There is a book called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz.... if you can print this out and carry it with you and REMIND YOURSELF DAILY to follow these 4 things... your life will significantly change.... mine did....

1. BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

(one of my absolute favorites!!!!)

NOTHING others do is because of you. what others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. when you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

Find the courage to ask questions and express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

This is pretty much a summary of the book, but the book goes in to much further detail.... for those of you who don't care for reading, what I've typed above will suffice. Good luck! =)

baby daddy. pt 2

baby was born.

i had a new job (at the hospital), worked nights since taylor was about 8 weeks old....

her dad got a new assistant manager (a young hispanic girl).

she adored him.

she let it be known.

i was oblivious to all this until one night....

"The" night....

my grandma and i had gone to the mall (where he worked) for his "lunch break," which was more like dinner.

we all ate together.... (him, me, baby and grandma).

grandma wanted to go in to Robinson's May (they had one of their huge sales going on and were open late that night)....

so by the time we finished shopping there, the rest of the mall was closed.

grandma and i walked to the elevators in the middle of the mall to get upstairs (back to the parking lot).... grandma looks over the side and asks, "ashley is that jason?" (taylor's dad's name is also jason, funny huh?)

i look over the side. "umm no grammy. jason wouldn't be walking with a girl!"

then i looked again.... watched this guy follow this girl up the escalator, with his hands sliding behind hers up the handrails.... (his face a little to close to her ASS for my comfort).... they stop at the top. girl drops her keys. guy picks them up. they hug.... girl walks off one way. guy turns and starts walking towards us, when suddenly he realizes.... it's MEEE!!!! and suddenly i realize, it's HIIIIMMM!!!!!

my insides started shaking.... yes SHAKING.... i mean like stomach was flipping.... hands started shaking.... i'm pushing the stroller as FAST AWAY as i possibly can....

he throws his arms up in the air as if to say, "what's uuuuup?"

i told grammy, "come on gram. quick. let's go."

i'm walking as fast as i possibly can to get to the parking lot....

he jogged to catch up to us.... calling my name.

i'm shaking and tingling and feel like i'm going to vomit...

i'm putting taylor in the car, when he grabs my arm and spins me around....

automatic reaction? SMACK him RIGHT in the face! and HARD!!!!

i pulled the ring off that he had gotten for me, and threw it at him.

screamed a whole bunch of mean stuff at him, and ended up leaving....

poor grammy. she was probably so embarrassed!!! (sorry gram)

anyway.... taylor was 3 months old at the time....

he cried.

he tried to make up.

tried to "show" me there was NOTHING going on....

i tried.

tried to hold the "family" together....

tried to believe him....

i didn't.

i never did.

i wanted to,

but i just didn't....

next day, my sister had to pick up a picture she had ordered from the same mall.... mom watched the baby, and i decided i was going with my sister to the mall....

we passed the store.

he was working....

and so was SHEEEEE.....

i walked passed the store, thinking i had all this self control, and then the mutha-flippin G-H-E-T-T-O took over....

i pulled my sweatshirt off and tied it around my waist and walked in to the store.... i didn't work there anymore. i didn't give a shit what they thought of me.... besides, it was that stupid girl working there anyway... i walk in with my eyes GLUED to her face.... just WAITING for her to look at me cross eyed....

she looks up and smiles at me.... "hey there."

"don't fuck*n hey there me you stupid homewreckin SLUT!" i managed to barf out....

holy smokes.... i didn't know i had it in me... okay, so maybe i totally knew i had it in me, but i did NOT expect it to come out like that!!!! i FLIPPED OUT!!!! she tried going on about how she doesn't know what i'm talking about and blah blah blah and she wants to just talk to me after work.... and all this random shit. i can't even remember what she was saying, cuz i'm pretty sure fire was FLAMING out of my ears at this point.

anyway, i told her i'd be there when she got off of work....

i waited.... saw her come out some other exit and RUN to her truck.... what the?! i really honestly expected her to come and "talk" to me.... mall security was called on us, but i had put my sweatshirt back on at that time.

ex-jason and my sister had then gotten into an argument while i was yelling at her.... jason was yelling about how much he LOVED me.... oh man, it's rather sickening when i think back about it.... horribly DYSFUNCTIONAL!!!!! WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!

it was SOOOO stupid!!!!

i wasn't in love....

i was very VERY insecure....

we tried to make it work for about another year, before finally calling it quits....

i remember some of the last words he had said to me were that "we're gonna get married one day. i just know it."

maybe i knew otherwise....

i didn't trust him....

nor would i ever, EVER again.....

baby daddy. pt 1

so, i'm certain SO many people are curious as to what ever happened with taylor's "dad" and i....

here goes the entire history of it all.... (for all you nosey people out there).... ;)

we worked together at a shoe store right out of high school. dated for about 6 months and BAM!!! pregnant. totally not planned. not expected. i was HIGHLY in denial and found out i was pregnant at about week 10 (about 2 and a half months) or so....

i remember feeling sick, peeing multiple times a night, puking my brains (and guts) out.... and STILL not believing i was pregnant until the dr came in and said, "hun, you're pregnant! that's what's wrong with you!" (after my pee in the cup thing)....

WHAT?!!!!!! WHAAAAAT?!!!!!

of COURSE abortion crossed my mind. i had THREE jobs at the time. i didn't have a relationship with God. I had 3 classes (9 units), my own apartment, a new car (with car payments).... i had a freakin BUSY ASS LIFE!!!!! "baby" fit NO where in that equation.... NO WHERE.... unless i MADE it fit....

from the VERY SECOND he told me i was pregnant, all of my insides sank....

and they sank, because i knew that i was going to have to eventually tell all of my family, and disappoint them, because there was no way that i could go through with an abortion.... (now i'm not going to go into my beliefs and feelings on this topic, because it's like politics and all and i KNOW everyone feels differently about this.... and i promise to never judge ANYONE on this, because it's not my place and well, everyone has a different life and situation) now with that being said, i just couldn't find it in my heart to go through with this.... i KNEW that my ENTIRE life was about to change....

i was sick. my mom called me daily.... i told her i needed her to come over so that i could talk to her. i found out on february 12th that i was pregnant. i'm pretty sure she came over on the 13th and i told her.... she was certain i wasn't ready for this... and CERTAIN he wasn't either. she said "he's a KID ashley, a KID!!!!!" in my gut (and yes, there was a gut already), i KNEW that the chances of us making it together, for a lifetime, was highly unlikely. i was 18 freakin years old!!!! i made lists of pros and cons.... how this would hurt my life.... and how it would help it.... the cons list far outweighed the pros list.... but the gut feeling was much stronger than the list of cons.... i had 2 weeks to make my decision.... but i pretty much already knew.... i know that everyone was against my decision to keep the baby, initially....

keeping the baby meant that:

1. 2 of the 3 jobs had to go.... i went down to just 1 full time job.... the shoe store. i let the gym and GUESS go.... =(

2. school continued until the semester that I was due, and then would resume the semester after he or she was born.

3. i was far too sick, (and broke and co-dependent) with my mother to live on my own.... i moved back home with my mom.... and thought this was going to be my chance to "save." save what? i thought money at the time.... but i was hardly making anything, so i don't know what i'd planned to save....

i remember going to our workplace on the night of the 12th, in tears.... he took his lunch break and i told him i was pregnant.... (maybe this is why i watch 16 and pregnant and cry.... i can totally relate, except i wasn't 16, but i felt like i was)....

i had to go to the hospital a few times (severe dehydration from hyperemesis "excessive vomitting") i couldn't keep anything down, and i think that everyone pretty much knew i was pregnant. we hadn't told his parents yet, but told his mom after we KNEW we were keeping it. he said "i need to talk to you." she said "ashley's pregnant. isn't she?" she already knew from how sick i'd been.... she knew.... his parents were having a hard time (his dad's an ass), and he wasn't staying at the house. i guess this was the perfect excuse for him to come home and be "one" with the family again.... and that's what he did. both of our families talked it all out. everyone was all negative.... that's what i remember most, but above that, i remember my stepdad (my wonderful stepdad), finally saying, "okay, enough with all the negativity.... it's time to be happy.... congratulations honey!" and he leaned over and hugged and kissed me....

when he did that, it was the first time that i actually felt excited about being pregnant.... it totally changed everyone's tone, and they followed his lead.... i will NEVER EVER EVER EVER forget that as long as i live....

path of enlightenment....

i didn't expect this blog to win any kind of award, but am ever so thankful for the "path of enlightenment" award from Brandi at "A Mainland Streel." She is not only a truly phenomenal writer, but a phenomenal person as well!!! She has such a soft, kind soul and it CLEARLY shows through her writing.... she has stories about EVERYTHING.... and they're ALL great!!!!

i'm certain you'll love her as much as i do!! =)

fighting irish.

"fighting irish" and i had "reconnected" via myspace or classmates.com or something like that....

the last time he saw me, i was in 2nd grade, with big glasses and crushing on him.

i remember when i was in first grade (he was in 2nd), on valentines day, he had sent one of his friends over to me to bring me some of those nasty tasting, heart shaped candies that read those cheesy valentines day messages on them.... he watched his friend deliver them to me and then ran off and hid behind a tree.... (why i remember this from SOOO many years ago, i have NO idea)....

anyway.... we'd chatted back and forth online for a while. talked on the phone for a while, and eventually agreed to go for coffee one night....

he lived about a block away from the beach.

so we got coffee and then headed to his house....

no roommates were home, (so i didn't get a glimpse into his life until later....)

i just kept thinking to myself that he seemed so grounded.

seemed to have a good head on his shoulders.

had his own place, a decent car, a decent job (and stable).... he seemed to be a good guy.

he showed me videos of his roommate (who was a police officer) tazing their friends....

he laughed so hard and thought it was sooo funny.

i didn't find the humor in it really (and that should have been my first red flag to LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE!!!! LEAVE NOW!!!! )

but i didn't see it....

oh, we watched tv that night and there was this country cd infomercial that came on.... i went on and expressed my love for country.... he grabbed the phone and called in and ordered it immediately. wait what?! no! why are you doing that!?! he ordered it.... and it came a few weeks later.... no i DID NOT jump in the sack with this guy that night....

i guess i liked the fact that i liked him before and that our older sisters were best friends.... and that timing just seemed so perfect (at the time)....

he went on to spoil me....

a few weeks into us "dating" (let me clarify my definition of dating later), he offered to pick me up from class.

i never drove to school. i usually got dropped off then would walk home through the park.... it was nice.

anyway, he came to pick me up and when i opened the car door, he'd asked if i could get his cd's out of the trunk. he popped the trunk and back to the trunk i went.

there was no cd's... in fact there was nothing in his trunk, except a small blue tiffany's bag....

i honestly didn't think anything of it, (his sister's birthday was coming up)....

so i went back and said, "your cd's aren't there."

he said, "what WAS there?"

i said, "just a small bag."

he said, "well then get the small bag. obviously it's for you...."

so i opened the bag and box and there was this tiny linked tiffany's ring in there.... it was the style i'd been wanting for, God only knows how long.

and i said that...

"omg! this is the style i've been wanting for so long, but i was just gonna buy it at the swap meet. how did you know?!"

he said he'd overheard me telling someone about it at some point.

i honestly don't remember ever talking about jewelry in front of him at all....

he probably snooped my myspace (at the time) or something.

annnyway....

things progressed and at some point, i just remember thinking, "how did i get into this?" (not in a good way)

he was part of the rich kids who grew up by the beach.

their families had boatloads of money.

they were all spoiled.

and drank their asses off every single weekend.....

they didn't have to worry about anything.

they always landed jobs because of someone that someone else knew... and they made decent money doing so.

i found myself drinking far more than i'd have liked to, but needed to drink in order to stay sane (and confident) around his friends. i hated all of his friends, and all of their girlfriends.... i hated every single one of them..... they were all SO mean.... i don't know why i stayed around. honestly, i have no idea.

i often thought about 15 gigs of porn and why i'd left him to begin with, and was i just being stupid and should i go back, or at least TRY to go back to him?

i was too deep into "fighting irish" now....

one night we drank.

we drank SOOOO much....

i think this was a night the steelers won.

we both stumbled out of the bar, separately, and stumbled back to his place.... separately....

i remember him being in bed by the time i managed to get upstairs and to his room.

i couldn't tell you what triggered the huge fight that was about to take place, but something triggered him pushing me out of his room and against the staircase....

he pushed me all the way up against the handrail (which was metal).... i remember feeling the BLOW to my ribs and feeling like i was going to throw up.... i remember him putting his hands around my throat and wondering where the HELL this all came from and how it got here.... how IIII got here.... i remember him opening the front door and throwing my car keys as far as he could and then using my cell phone to call the cops....

the cops came and i was completely drunk and out of it... i didn't know what happened, or who i could call. i certainly couldn't call my parents. there was no way!!! i was drunk but not stupid enough to think that calling them was a good idea....

so i got an even better idea and called my boyfriend from high school.

he was a big burly guy who protected me for as long as i could remember....

i called him and explained that i needed him to come pick me up, or i would go to jail until i sobered up.

fighting irish told the cops that he didn't want me there....

originally they came out thinking i was the bad guy, but i'd told them multiple times they had no idea what he'd just done to me....

he had one tiny scratch on his chest, but it was NOTHING compared to what i'd had on me.

they asked if they could see it.

i told them no.

they asked if i wanted to press charges....

and i sat there, even as drunk as i was, i knew i should have....

but i didn't....

i said no.

they asked me multiple times....

"do you want to press charges? it's the right thing to do...."

i wouldn't do it....

so big burly ex shows up and takes me in the backseat of his vehicle and i'm clearly a mess....

i'm shitfaced and in sooo much pain on my ribs.

i still hadn't looked at my ribs.

i told big burly ex that i thought i had a broken rib.

he pulled over into the gas station and looked at my ribs.... there was a big gash and blood dripping down my side. my ribs were bruised....

he called "fighting irish" and told him he was coming back.

told "fighting irish" to call all of his friends cuz he was going to need them for what he was about to do to him....

big burly ex always tried protecting me....

he was good at it most of the time.... when i'd let him.....

until he realized he deserved much better than to sit around waiting for someone as fucked up as i was....

i don't blame him.

not even a little bit....

he tried....

he tried hard, and for a LONG time....

my dad used to tell me i was wasting my time with everyone else and that i'd marry big burly ex one day....

i think deep down inside i knew that there was too much that had gone on for that to be true....

i had done far too much, and there were controlling issues that not many people knew about....

big burly ex always looked after my well being.....

i .... didn't.....

i went back....

to fighting irish.

i went back and he cheated on me....

with multiple girls....

multiple times....

and i only found out about it later....

but i finally got up the courage to leave.

multiple times....

until finally....

i was done.

checked out,

again.

another relationship failed.

again.

i wasn't in love....

i was insecure.... again....

15 gigs of porn....

He had an addiction.
Women.
And anything sexual.
Heck, I'm sure men turned him on half the time too....
He'd watch porn....
EVERY single day....
He'd watch it usually multiple times a day....
He tried convincing me that every single man that walks the face of this planet watches porn....
And masturbates.
I'm sure a majority of them do. And that's fine.
But I'm sure there are some who don't.
I'm sure there are some who do actually make love to their partner instead of their hand or sock.
I'm sure of it.
Or maybe I'm still in denial. But I'd like to believe there are SOME men out there who don't own and PAY for a subscription to captain stabbin's website. (Or whatever his name is)....
Yes, he had a PAID subscription to this.... He downloaded numerous amounts of porn onto his computer. This was the first porn I'd ever seen in my life. I was 22 years old!!!! It was disgusting!!!! There was nothing even slightly appealing to me about it.

i'd tried convincing myself numerous times that ALL men watched porn even when they were in relationships and that SOMEHOW i needed to accept this....

i tried....

and for a while, it was even pushed to the back burner where i let it sit....

and over time, burn....

i just couldn't sit comfortable with the idea of wondering that when everytime i'd walk out the door, if he'd jump on the computer to crank one before he went to work.

i'd wondered which one he'd watched today.

or how MANY he'd watched today....

it turned my stomach to the point that i'd cry about it.

and then, he finally came to a point when he said he'd delete it.

well, most of it....

then one day he said, "i deleted most of the porn that was saved on my computer."

(however there were 15 GIGS left!!!!!)

15 GIGS of porn left after he'd deleted MOST of his porn collection....

he took online classes for his bachelor's degree.

he had a pretty big paper due one night by midnight.

i'd been helping him with his work.

pretty much all of his work.

especially this paper....

his friends called and asked him to come shoot pool at a bar up the street a few miles.

i sat right there while he told him he'd be there soon.

i sat there, typing out his paper, while he told him he'd meet him there shortly....

"are you kidding me?" i thought.

this paper is due in about 4 hours and you're going to run off to the bar to shoot pool while i sit here and type out your paper??!!!

EFF THAT!

i didn't say that.

this was the first time that i'd started trying to stand up for myself....

and without the bickering, asked him how long he'd planned on being gone.

"2 games." he said, "i'll be home by 10."

"okay." i said. "i'll work on this paper. if you're home by 10, you can take over and finish it off and send it in. if not, i'm deleting the whole thing."

"are you serious?!" he asked.

"yea. you want me to trust that you'll be home at a decent time. i'm not going to sit here and do all of your work for you while you go out, drink and shoot pool. i'm not your bitch."

"okay fine." he finally said.

so he went out.

texted about 45 minutes before 10 to tell me they'd JUUUUST gotten their pool table after waiting for a while for it.

funny, he hadn't texted me to tell me they were waiting for a table.

but that's okay.

i'm sticking to this 10 o clock rule i'd continued to tell myself.

he came home, clearly after too many drinks.

it was past 10 pm.

i'd already x'd the document off the computer screen and deleted the draft i had saved.

i even went as far as "emptying the recycle bin" on the computer so that he couldn't retrieve the hours of work i'd put into that paper.

he yelled and yelled at me about how stupid i was for deleting that paper and how he wasn't going to pass this class and he was going to have to pay his work back $700 because they paid for this class and that paper was sooo important to him.... and i felt bad inside.

i felt bad for all that i had caused....

and then it clicked.

no.... i shouldn't feel bad.

if this class was THAT important, then his ass would have been home at 10 to finish that paper...

better yet, his ASS would have never gone to the bar to begin with....

the next morning, he'd told me about this girl who kissed him the night before.

i was LIVID....

i screamed and yelled and he talked about how he just leaned in to hug her good bye and she pulled him close and kissed him....

then he went on and on (yelling of course) about how i couldn't stand to know the truth.

that i had repeatedly asked for honesty, but i couldn't handle the truth....

eventually this led to me (meeting up with a crush that i'd had on a guy in 2nd grade and stumbled across him on the internet) and then kicking porn dude out.

at first it was just for him to stay away for a while, but i came home one day and put EVERYTHING he owned (except his computer) onto the front porch.... i called him and told him to come and pick it up....

i didn't know if the grass would be greener on the other side, but i was ready to find out.....

i let 2nd grade crush dude (we'll call him "Fighting Irish"), sweep me off my feet.... or so i thought....

i wasn't in love.....

i was insecure. BIG TIME!!!!