my boyfriend. her lingerie.

so before i "met" or re-met my husband, i had dated this guy on and off for a while.

we met at my last job in property management.

he came in from out of state, looking for an apartment for him and his dog.

we had some really great deals going on and we were so surely convinced that we could rent this guy a place.

he was totally not my type.

but then again, there are VERY few people that catch my eye.

my husband being the one and only. =)

(my husband's a stud, what can i say?)

anyway.... this guy walks in.... he's bald.

he's bald because he shaves his head bald, because if he didn't shave his head bald, he'd probably have some horrible hairline that me and my best friend (who also happened to be my boss) would have totally made fun of.

he had a lot of energy.

he was a nurse (which i was going to school to be)....

he laughed a lot.

he was a nice guy.....

did i have ANY thoughts other than "this guy could totally kill my best friend while they go look at the apartment" together? no.... i didn't have any nice thoughts about him, other than he was nice, but was probably some secret killer. i made my friend take a walkie talkie with her and kept calling her while she was walking... (there was one point when she totally didn't answer me back and i locked the office to go looking for her, but then saw them walking back to the office)....

phewf!

she was alive.

i was grateful.

anyway, i lived at this community

she did too.

and now.... he did too.

he rented the place and moved in like 3 days later.... he was great with animals (which was cool).... he was a nice guy....

he was single... invited us out a few times.

we'd declined, just because it wasn't very professional.

anyway, after baby bird was out of the picture, mr. clean (cuz he's bald and old looking), came around a lot more.... little did i know, he had started a relationship with a nurse he was working with (temporarily).... she was leaving her assignment and heading back to pittsburgh, divorcing her husband and had plans on coming back out to be with, marry and purchase a home with mr. clean.

i was naive. mr. clean talked to me (in much depth) about how she left him here and how he didn't understand it and didn't think she really cared about him.... almost led me to believe she was gone.... for good.... and then.... he said she was. that he was falling in love with me. loved being in my company. walking dogs. watching me throw meals together for my crazy friends and taylor and i. he started coming around more and more and we got along like great friends. i should've known that most of our best conversations were after he'd been drinking multiple glasses of wine.

that was when i learned about his previous addiction to heroin (he'd been clean for 12 years). yeah he was older than me. by almost 10 years, even though everyone said he looked like my dad rather than my bf (even though he wasn't "technically" my bf at the time)....

then he was going back to pittsburgh for his friend's wedding. i knew the wedding was approaching. i had just watched the movie "the secret." there were a lot of great sayings in there and so i made this little "book" of sayings from the secret. and slipped it in his carry-on the night before he left for PA. and that was it.

i hadn't heard from him for over 2 weeks. he wasn't supposed to be gone but for 7 days. i'd waited for his calls. i'd watch the dogwalkers walk his dog. he was so close but so far away. i wouldn't dare call. i wouldn't give in.... i thought for sure he was there with her.... and that's why he hadn't called.

then one morning at 5 something a.m. i got this mass string of text messages, all at once. so did my sister. so did my mom. all from him. as if he'd been texting us all along, but they all just came through at that time.....

guess who fell for that stupid trick??? *raises hand* meeeeee!!!!

i called him and he was in tears.... couldn't believe he'd heard from me.... said he'd spent so many nights waiting to hear from me, texting me in the dark with one eye open, unable to sleep because i wasn't responding....

BULL FREAKIN SHIT DUDE!!!!!!!

guess who picked him up at the airport that day? and who totally didn't even ask questions, (probably because i secretly knew, but didn't want to know).... i was just glad he was there and wanted me....

sooooo much time went by....

and then i learned of her lingerie that was in his closet.

no i didn't find it (i never would have snooped through his belongings)....

he told me that he had thrown it away... (oh that's nice. i didn't even know it was there)....

then i found a drawer full of pictures and cards and letters and emails (okay, i was totally snooping now)....

all the times she just "magically" showed up at his place, they were all planned.

but he never told me that....

he said he had no idea she was coming....

and you know the sickening thing?

i just waited.

i sat back and waited WHILE WE LIVED ON THE SAME PROPERTY!!!!

i'd watch her walk his dog (that i walked when she was in PA).

i watched her walk to the grocery store and come back with groceries ....

and flowers....

i watched them sit on the patio with candlelight,

while i stumbled home to finish off bottles of wine there....

alone.

only to wake up to a flower, a purple orchid, on my doorstep.

just to let me know he came by....

(he had a purple orchid at his home from me..... i brought it there because i loved orchids and his house needed color.)

i brought the orchid in and put it in water.... and set it next to my bed for a long time.

STUPID!!!!!

just a few short days before my father passed away, i found out that while i was in TN taking care of my dad, (just 3 weeks prior) he had attempted to kiss my very best friend.... they messed around some other time and had an "ashley bashing" session while i was in freakin TENNESSEE taking care of my dad who was 3 short weeks away from passing away....

how sick is that? i even tried to get over that.... and we eventually got a place together.... a 3 bedroom beautiful place together.... we tried to be a "family."

but i had already checked out.

i was a BITCH!

a

B

I.

T.

C.

H.

a freakin BITCH!

i wanted nothing to do with this relationship anymore....

i didn't hate him.

he just wasn't the right person for me anymore.

THIS IS WHEN I LEARNED FORGIVENESS....

i didn't hate him.

he just wasn't the right person for me anymore....

i couldn't get him to sign our 30 day notice, and since we were month to month on our lease, i had to go to the office and ask them to serve us a 30 day notice to vacate the property (i was so ashamed)....

i cringe at the mere thought of him.

i cringe at the mere thought of the situation.

i cringe at the mere thought of my stupidity.....

i was NOT in love.....

i was MAJORLY insecure....

i guess i wanted to know i was the one he wanted....

the best one.

the "winner."

i "won" when i left him.

i found my husband....