Women.
And anything sexual.
Heck, I'm sure men turned him on half the time too....
He'd watch porn....
EVERY single day....
He'd watch it usually multiple times a day....
He tried convincing me that every single man that walks the face of this planet watches porn....
And masturbates.
I'm sure a majority of them do. And that's fine.
But I'm sure there are some who don't.
I'm sure there are some who do actually make love to their partner instead of their hand or sock.
I'm sure of it.
Or maybe I'm still in denial. But I'd like to believe there are SOME men out there who don't own and PAY for a subscription to captain stabbin's website. (Or whatever his name is)....
Yes, he had a PAID subscription to this.... He downloaded numerous amounts of porn onto his computer. This was the first porn I'd ever seen in my life. I was 22 years old!!!! It was disgusting!!!! There was nothing even slightly appealing to me about it.
i'd tried convincing myself numerous times that ALL men watched porn even when they were in relationships and that SOMEHOW i needed to accept this....
i tried....
and for a while, it was even pushed to the back burner where i let it sit....
and over time, burn....
i just couldn't sit comfortable with the idea of wondering that when everytime i'd walk out the door, if he'd jump on the computer to crank one before he went to work.
i'd wondered which one he'd watched today.
or how MANY he'd watched today....
it turned my stomach to the point that i'd cry about it.
and then, he finally came to a point when he said he'd delete it.
well, most of it....
then one day he said, "i deleted most of the porn that was saved on my computer."
(however there were 15 GIGS left!!!!!)
15 GIGS of porn left after he'd deleted MOST of his porn collection....
he took online classes for his bachelor's degree.
he had a pretty big paper due one night by midnight.
i'd been helping him with his work.
pretty much all of his work.
especially this paper....
his friends called and asked him to come shoot pool at a bar up the street a few miles.
i sat right there while he told him he'd be there soon.
i sat there, typing out his paper, while he told him he'd meet him there shortly....
"are you kidding me?" i thought.
this paper is due in about 4 hours and you're going to run off to the bar to shoot pool while i sit here and type out your paper??!!!
EFF THAT!
i didn't say that.
this was the first time that i'd started trying to stand up for myself....
and without the bickering, asked him how long he'd planned on being gone.
"2 games." he said, "i'll be home by 10."
"okay." i said. "i'll work on this paper. if you're home by 10, you can take over and finish it off and send it in. if not, i'm deleting the whole thing."
"are you serious?!" he asked.
"yea. you want me to trust that you'll be home at a decent time. i'm not going to sit here and do all of your work for you while you go out, drink and shoot pool. i'm not your bitch."
"okay fine." he finally said.
so he went out.
texted about 45 minutes before 10 to tell me they'd JUUUUST gotten their pool table after waiting for a while for it.
funny, he hadn't texted me to tell me they were waiting for a table.
but that's okay.
i'm sticking to this 10 o clock rule i'd continued to tell myself.
he came home, clearly after too many drinks.
it was past 10 pm.
i'd already x'd the document off the computer screen and deleted the draft i had saved.
i even went as far as "emptying the recycle bin" on the computer so that he couldn't retrieve the hours of work i'd put into that paper.
he yelled and yelled at me about how stupid i was for deleting that paper and how he wasn't going to pass this class and he was going to have to pay his work back $700 because they paid for this class and that paper was sooo important to him.... and i felt bad inside.
i felt bad for all that i had caused....
and then it clicked.
no.... i shouldn't feel bad.
if this class was THAT important, then his ass would have been home at 10 to finish that paper...
better yet, his ASS would have never gone to the bar to begin with....
the next morning, he'd told me about this girl who kissed him the night before.
i was LIVID....
i screamed and yelled and he talked about how he just leaned in to hug her good bye and she pulled him close and kissed him....
then he went on and on (yelling of course) about how i couldn't stand to know the truth.
that i had repeatedly asked for honesty, but i couldn't handle the truth....
eventually this led to me (meeting up with a crush that i'd had on a guy in 2nd grade and stumbled across him on the internet) and then kicking porn dude out.
at first it was just for him to stay away for a while, but i came home one day and put EVERYTHING he owned (except his computer) onto the front porch.... i called him and told him to come and pick it up....
i didn't know if the grass would be greener on the other side, but i was ready to find out.....
i let 2nd grade crush dude (we'll call him "Fighting Irish"), sweep me off my feet.... or so i thought....
i wasn't in love.....
i was insecure. BIG TIME!!!!
11 comments:
15GB after deleting "most" of it? I've seen addictions like this break up marriages. Obviously it's not okay if one person is miserable. :(
Good for you for eventually standing up to him and deleting his paper! And for finding a man who treats you right!
i couldn't agree with you more.... jason is by far, the best man i could have ever handpicked from the world (for me).... i feel beyond blessed to not have settled anytime before him.... =)
yes, i can imagine it breaking marriages apart... it's sick.
the best advice i could ever give anyone, is not to settle.... never settle.... there IS someone out there who will match your wants and needs more than you could or would ever imagine.... the world is large.... dream big!!!! =)
I've never ever ever read anything that described so perfectly the relationship I had with my ex. It was many many many years ago now, but reading your story brought up flickers of memories long forgotten. I never felt more jealous of an inanimate (or was it?) in my life! I had fantasies of breaking his computer daily.
Thanks for sharing...and I'm glad you deleted his paper too. :)
I'm glad computers were never part of the equation, with my first mistake. (or second, or third...) They did enough damage without all the added electronic technology, or cell phones, or email... You get the picture.
Patricia, i am SO glad someone else can relate to this.... it is SO true that you are jealous of these "objects".... constantly trying to find what they have that you didn't.... it was a neverending battle.... i wanted to see what he saw, but i couldn't... i tried, but i couldn't see it.... i'm glad i deleted his paper too!! =) i know the "long forgotten memory" feelings.... these aren't all so fresh, but when i dig deep enough, they DO come right back.... i separated my blogs, because this was the dark STUPID parts of my life (we all go through them on different levels).... and i just wanted people to know that we ALLLLL go through these times.... i'm sorry if i brought up bad memories.... sometimes, for me, bringing up bad memories makes me appreciate all that i HAVE now.... all the wonderful blessings that i have now.... so when i complain about my husband leaving his pj's on the bathroom floor every single day, it's REALLY not that bad.... =) everything could ALWAYS be worse.... i'm glad you're here for the blast from my past... it's going to be ugly and messy and terribly stinky!! =)
@Ms Anthropy.... you know, i always say, that if you aren't capable of doing something so rotten, you often don't think anyone else is either.... the saying goes "people blame others of what they're guilty of doing." i'm sorry for your past.... but i bet you know exactly what you won't stand for now.... at least that's how i feel.... =)
I can't write about any of this on my blog or compter or even notebook because of the fear that my husband would find out. He's told me so many things over the years that all guys were a certain way and that these certain things were normal for them that I have bought every single one. I thought no man actually WANTED to have children -that they all have to be pushed into it (he told me they did) and this "stupid" story (though not addicted, that I know of) sounds a little like some things I faced. We have been separated for 11 months now and I am a different (better - but very insecure) person. Thank you for letting me know that I'm not the only one that after 14 yrs of marriage thinks there has got to be men who are genuine and different out there. I'm not looking and have no intentions on it, but it just gives me hope in MANKIND. One thing I delt w/just before I left was the fact that he had recorded some porn while I was at work one day - secretivly then pulled it out later to "help" us. WHAT? I thought we were supposed to always be honest w/one another. He'd hidden the tape behind some of the kids, so they couldn't find it - the possibility that they could have stumbled upon it by hit me. People have said - and I know I am niave, but I'm sure there's other stuff I just don't know about. I still give him the benefit of a doubt. Call me...stupid.
@ Andrea.. I'm not going to call you stupid, but I do understand. I have the same issue with wanting to forgive and move giving another chance. The question is really, "Are they asking you for forgiveness?" Does he really understand and get it? Asking myself that question over and over again keeps me from making another mistake and taking him back over and over again. Good luck to you :)
Thank you Patricia - at first he does, then no change, we are back where we started from, this time was much the same. I haven't "bent over backward" this time, I have tried to "stand my ground" or at least try to look at reality. So far, he hasn't come around unless I invite him, he says it was my choice to leave so I am bringing all this upon myself. I am praying my way through it all - and just trying to be the best mom I can be and getting to myself has been a bonus. Thank you for your comment.
Sorry - my spelling was horrible in those posts - but I meant "getting to know myself"! I'm so goofy!
andrea, my own thoughts (which shouldn't influence you by any means, but give you a different way of looking at it perhaps?).... my own thoughts and experience is that once the boundaries have been crossed.... once the innocence has been "stripped" (so to speak) from the relationship.... once you have "gone there" to that place you said you've never go.... it is hard to come back.... not that it can't ever come back, but the reason it got to that place to begin with says something about the relationship.... unless both people are on the exact same page and both so incredibly sick of this miserable place but don't want to leave, unless both of you are fighting like hell to make this damn thing work.... it's hard to bring it back.... have you ever killed a plant, a rose, a bonsai?? have you killed it to the point of no return and tried like hell to bring it back??? YOU are trying, but the flower, the rose, the bonsai.... it's dead.... it's not coming back.... it was my epiphany when i wondered why i couldn't throw the dang plant away (during some struggles with an ex).... i watered the hell out of the plant, i added soil to it.... i put it in the sun, and then in the shade.... it was already gone....
letting go is the hardest thing people will learn to do in life.... learning when and HOW to let go is the hardest thing we face (i think).... i think it's even harder when it's a relationship, or letting go of a living being, because that person is still very much alive.... they have a heartbeat, and they are able to go on about their life.... without you.... and they can find a new love, and a new town to live in and new friends and they can find and have all of these "new" things that you will not be a part of.... this is reality.... and it is NOT easy, but IT IS DOABLE!!! YOU WILL learn all that you want.... you must know that your children are watching your relationship. this type of relationship will become normal to them. if your daughter came to you with the problems you have gone through with your husband, what advice would you give her??? i always say that you've GOT to treat your own heart, like she were your daughter.... if you wouldn't want your daughter to stay and endure the pain you are, then you've got to re-evaluate some things... it isn't easy, but no one EVER said it was going to be....
you've got to know, you've got a whole world cheering for your happiness.... =)
Love you, girl! Thank you!
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