Wednesday, April 21, 2010

a selfish man's soul.

7 yrs.
4 months.
3 weeks.
and 2 days old.

there's so much resentment built up.
and damages no one, but me.
the resentments are so far repressed,
that most of the time, i barely even know they exist.
but they do.
and every now and again, i know, very much so, that they exist....

you've had the leisure to do with your time as you've pleased.
to go to the gym.
to do homework.
to go on a date.
to go to a party.
to drink.
to dance.
to vacation.
to be everywhere else, but here.
you've had the leisure to do with your time as you've pleased.

you've lived south of us.
they've all lived north of us.
we were right in between.
but the phone calls never came,
when you'd pass our house.
you'd just continue driving north,
in one of your many new cars....

what a selfish man's soul does not know,
is the pricetag on a child's life....
the cost to raise a child.
the food they eat.
the doctor's appointments.
the childcare.
the clothes.
the fundraisers.
the games.
the hobbies.
the cost of a home in an area worth living in,
where you don't fear your child's safety,
and you know they are receiving a wonderful education.

what a selfish man's soul does not hear,
are the whimpers of her cries....
"i'm hungry."
"i don't feel well."
"i want. i want. i want."
"i don't wanna take a bath."
"i don't wanna go to bed."
"i don't wanna eat that."
"i don't wanna go to the dentist."
"where's my other shoe?"
"where's my homework?"
"what should i wear?"
"what should i eat for breakfast?"
"how do you spell....?"
"look it!"
"mom! look!"

what he can't smell,
is her freshly brushed breath,
blowing in your face to ensure she's brushed well enough.
he can't smell,
her freshly washed hair
that smothers your face when she hugs you goodnight.
a selfish man's soul cannot smell
the dirt on her hands when she's fallen in the sand from jumping off the monkey bars,
or swings.
you can't smell the freshly baked brownies,
she excitedly awaits to finish baking....
she mixed them herself, you know.

what a selfish man's soul doesn't feel
are her arms around his neck.
or her lips pressed to your cheek.
you cannot FEEEEL her love from a distance.
you cannot FEEEEL her pain.
you cannot FEEEEL her heart's desires.
her wants.
her yearns.
you can't FEEEEL any of that.

a selfish man's soul cannot see
the growth in her height.
her crooked smile.
her face light up when she figures something out.....
her gappy smile, when she loses another tooth.
you cannot see the letters she writes to the toothfairy or to Santa Claus.
you cannot read the books she writes.
(unless of course I order extra copies for you)....
you cannot see the work she does at school, unless i show it to you.
you do not donate money for her to win a prize,
as she jumpropes to help children with sick hearts.....
you cannot see her glue foam hearts together and lay them all out for every member in her family....
you cannot see the distance that she feels.

she needs not my words to figure it out.
i leave them out.
she is above and beyond any level of intelligence you could ever imagine.

but a selfish man's soul....
would never know,

the goodness of her good soul....


Pat Tillett said...

Right on the money...
He doesn't even know, what he doesn't know!
great post ashley!

Ms. Anthropy said...

And someday, when it's too late, he'll be sorry.

Ashley King said...

who knows if he'll ever know what he didn't know when we all knew what we know now.... i don't know.... wait, what? ;)

i don't know if he'll ever be sorry. i bet he'll be the guy who goes to school (which he is doing right now, because he CAN, and he can actually STUDY and have QUIET time) and then he'll get a good job.... and have a boatload of money and when she's older, he'll buy her all the expensive shit that i never could.... and the car and she (as well as everyone else) will think he's just "soooo cool."

i don't really have resentments often, but when they rear their head... they are OHHH so present.... !!!


Ms. Anthropy said...

That's when it stinks! When they finally crawl out of their hole after the kids are pretty much raised and want to make up for lost time, with material things. Oh, and they think they deserve to get some credit, even when it was you going through the struggles to raise them, like they had some kind of hand in it! Don't even get me going.

Ashley King said...

yeeeep! i know all about this.
unfortunately this is how my father was.
had the money, but not the time.
and i'm afraid that's how taylor's dad will be.
more time with me, the better....
it's far too messed up on that side...

oh i'll get you going GIRLFRIEND! haha. it sucks. horribly!! we are the ones worn out and low on patience, but then look like the BAD GUYS. ugh. i could go on about this.... but i'll leave it at "i'm thankful i have her and he doesn't." =)

buymebarbies said...

Great post and right on the money!! You would think that when kids grow older they would realize, but some don't! They continue to worship the ground the "absent" parent walked on. Those that have a clue, realize. You realized Ashley and that's what propelled you into a safe place of contentment!!! Love you!!

Ashley King said...

momma. yes. that's very true. sometimes i think taylor would realize at this age.... just all the times she's been stood up and such, but no.... she still adores him, i think.... maybe not.

yeah, i don't know what it is.... i think it's searching for the approval from the "absent" parent that you continue to search for.... which i HOPE doesn't continue into her relationships like it continued into many of mine.... i still would like to be a person that my partners respects, and there's still even a part of me that secretly wants to be "the best one ever." i'll get over it one day.... maybe.


I'll admit it.... This post brought a tear to my eye.... Great post!

He doesn't know what he's missing.... He'll never know what he's missing out on.... Ugh, I can't even put my thoughts into words....

I count my blessings for every day that I get to spend with my children.... You are the lucky one....

You get the hugs, you get the kisses, you are the shoulder to lean and cry on....

You are the lucky one....

Mainland Streel said...

Sad that he would choose to miss out on something (someone!) so beautiful!

Ashley King said...

ABAO, umm, I just saw this post right now, or I don't ever remember seeing it. I'm usually pretty good at trying to comment or email back!! I do feel honored and blessed and lucky to have her. I really do.... Thank you....

Brandi, I don't get it either, but for whatever reason, that's what he chooses for now.... I have a story about how he accidentally texted ME the other day instead of his friend.... Texts were interesting but clearly not intended for me. I should share those soon!!