the last time he saw me, i was in 2nd grade, with big glasses and crushing on him.
i remember when i was in first grade (he was in 2nd), on valentines day, he had sent one of his friends over to me to bring me some of those nasty tasting, heart shaped candies that read those cheesy valentines day messages on them.... he watched his friend deliver them to me and then ran off and hid behind a tree.... (why i remember this from SOOO many years ago, i have NO idea)....
anyway.... we'd chatted back and forth online for a while. talked on the phone for a while, and eventually agreed to go for coffee one night....
he lived about a block away from the beach.
so we got coffee and then headed to his house....
no roommates were home, (so i didn't get a glimpse into his life until later....)
i just kept thinking to myself that he seemed so grounded.
seemed to have a good head on his shoulders.
had his own place, a decent car, a decent job (and stable).... he seemed to be a good guy.
he showed me videos of his roommate (who was a police officer) tazing their friends....
he laughed so hard and thought it was sooo funny.
i didn't find the humor in it really (and that should have been my first red flag to LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE!!!! LEAVE NOW!!!! )
but i didn't see it....
oh, we watched tv that night and there was this country cd infomercial that came on.... i went on and expressed my love for country.... he grabbed the phone and called in and ordered it immediately. wait what?! no! why are you doing that!?! he ordered it.... and it came a few weeks later.... no i DID NOT jump in the sack with this guy that night....
i guess i liked the fact that i liked him before and that our older sisters were best friends.... and that timing just seemed so perfect (at the time)....
he went on to spoil me....
a few weeks into us "dating" (let me clarify my definition of dating later), he offered to pick me up from class.
i never drove to school. i usually got dropped off then would walk home through the park.... it was nice.
anyway, he came to pick me up and when i opened the car door, he'd asked if i could get his cd's out of the trunk. he popped the trunk and back to the trunk i went.
there was no cd's... in fact there was nothing in his trunk, except a small blue tiffany's bag....
i honestly didn't think anything of it, (his sister's birthday was coming up)....
so i went back and said, "your cd's aren't there."
he said, "what WAS there?"
i said, "just a small bag."
he said, "well then get the small bag. obviously it's for you...."
so i opened the bag and box and there was this tiny linked tiffany's ring in there.... it was the style i'd been wanting for, God only knows how long.
and i said that...
"omg! this is the style i've been wanting for so long, but i was just gonna buy it at the swap meet. how did you know?!"
he said he'd overheard me telling someone about it at some point.
i honestly don't remember ever talking about jewelry in front of him at all....
he probably snooped my myspace (at the time) or something.
annnyway....
things progressed and at some point, i just remember thinking, "how did i get into this?" (not in a good way)
he was part of the rich kids who grew up by the beach.
their families had boatloads of money.
they were all spoiled.
and drank their asses off every single weekend.....
they didn't have to worry about anything.
they always landed jobs because of someone that someone else knew... and they made decent money doing so.
i found myself drinking far more than i'd have liked to, but needed to drink in order to stay sane (and confident) around his friends. i hated all of his friends, and all of their girlfriends.... i hated every single one of them..... they were all SO mean.... i don't know why i stayed around. honestly, i have no idea.
i often thought about 15 gigs of porn and why i'd left him to begin with, and was i just being stupid and should i go back, or at least TRY to go back to him?
i was too deep into "fighting irish" now....
one night we drank.
we drank SOOOO much....
i think this was a night the steelers won.
we both stumbled out of the bar, separately, and stumbled back to his place.... separately....
i remember him being in bed by the time i managed to get upstairs and to his room.
i couldn't tell you what triggered the huge fight that was about to take place, but something triggered him pushing me out of his room and against the staircase....
he pushed me all the way up against the handrail (which was metal).... i remember feeling the BLOW to my ribs and feeling like i was going to throw up.... i remember him putting his hands around my throat and wondering where the HELL this all came from and how it got here.... how IIII got here.... i remember him opening the front door and throwing my car keys as far as he could and then using my cell phone to call the cops....
the cops came and i was completely drunk and out of it... i didn't know what happened, or who i could call. i certainly couldn't call my parents. there was no way!!! i was drunk but not stupid enough to think that calling them was a good idea....
so i got an even better idea and called my boyfriend from high school.
he was a big burly guy who protected me for as long as i could remember....
i called him and explained that i needed him to come pick me up, or i would go to jail until i sobered up.
fighting irish told the cops that he didn't want me there....
originally they came out thinking i was the bad guy, but i'd told them multiple times they had no idea what he'd just done to me....
he had one tiny scratch on his chest, but it was NOTHING compared to what i'd had on me.
they asked if they could see it.
i told them no.
they asked if i wanted to press charges....
and i sat there, even as drunk as i was, i knew i should have....
but i didn't....
i said no.
they asked me multiple times....
"do you want to press charges? it's the right thing to do...."
i wouldn't do it....
so big burly ex shows up and takes me in the backseat of his vehicle and i'm clearly a mess....
i'm shitfaced and in sooo much pain on my ribs.
i still hadn't looked at my ribs.
i told big burly ex that i thought i had a broken rib.
he pulled over into the gas station and looked at my ribs.... there was a big gash and blood dripping down my side. my ribs were bruised....
he called "fighting irish" and told him he was coming back.
told "fighting irish" to call all of his friends cuz he was going to need them for what he was about to do to him....
big burly ex always tried protecting me....
he was good at it most of the time.... when i'd let him.....
until he realized he deserved much better than to sit around waiting for someone as fucked up as i was....
i don't blame him.
not even a little bit....
he tried....
he tried hard, and for a LONG time....
my dad used to tell me i was wasting my time with everyone else and that i'd marry big burly ex one day....
i think deep down inside i knew that there was too much that had gone on for that to be true....
i had done far too much, and there were controlling issues that not many people knew about....
big burly ex always looked after my well being.....
i .... didn't.....
i went back....
to fighting irish.
i went back and he cheated on me....
with multiple girls....
multiple times....
and i only found out about it later....
but i finally got up the courage to leave.
multiple times....
until finally....
i was done.
checked out,
again.
another relationship failed.
again.
i wasn't in love....
i was insecure.... again....
2 comments:
Isn't it strange what we go through, during the times we feel we don't deserve anything better.
holy shit, is it ever!!!! i was SOOOOO stupid!!! SO SO SOOOOOO STUPID!!! I hope and pray every single day that my daughter is NEVER as stupid as I was.... I hope and pray that she has enough confidence and self control to know when to get out.... or what to never get in to, to begin with....
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