my boyfriend. her lingerie.

so before i "met" or re-met my husband, i had dated this guy on and off for a while.

we met at my last job in property management.

he came in from out of state, looking for an apartment for him and his dog.

we had some really great deals going on and we were so surely convinced that we could rent this guy a place.

he was totally not my type.

but then again, there are VERY few people that catch my eye.

my husband being the one and only. =)

(my husband's a stud, what can i say?)

anyway.... this guy walks in.... he's bald.

he's bald because he shaves his head bald, because if he didn't shave his head bald, he'd probably have some horrible hairline that me and my best friend (who also happened to be my boss) would have totally made fun of.

he had a lot of energy.

he was a nurse (which i was going to school to be)....

he laughed a lot.

he was a nice guy.....

did i have ANY thoughts other than "this guy could totally kill my best friend while they go look at the apartment" together? no.... i didn't have any nice thoughts about him, other than he was nice, but was probably some secret killer. i made my friend take a walkie talkie with her and kept calling her while she was walking... (there was one point when she totally didn't answer me back and i locked the office to go looking for her, but then saw them walking back to the office)....

phewf!

she was alive.

i was grateful.

anyway, i lived at this community

she did too.

and now.... he did too.

he rented the place and moved in like 3 days later.... he was great with animals (which was cool).... he was a nice guy....

he was single... invited us out a few times.

we'd declined, just because it wasn't very professional.

anyway, after baby bird was out of the picture, mr. clean (cuz he's bald and old looking), came around a lot more.... little did i know, he had started a relationship with a nurse he was working with (temporarily).... she was leaving her assignment and heading back to pittsburgh, divorcing her husband and had plans on coming back out to be with, marry and purchase a home with mr. clean.

i was naive. mr. clean talked to me (in much depth) about how she left him here and how he didn't understand it and didn't think she really cared about him.... almost led me to believe she was gone.... for good.... and then.... he said she was. that he was falling in love with me. loved being in my company. walking dogs. watching me throw meals together for my crazy friends and taylor and i. he started coming around more and more and we got along like great friends. i should've known that most of our best conversations were after he'd been drinking multiple glasses of wine.

that was when i learned about his previous addiction to heroin (he'd been clean for 12 years). yeah he was older than me. by almost 10 years, even though everyone said he looked like my dad rather than my bf (even though he wasn't "technically" my bf at the time)....

then he was going back to pittsburgh for his friend's wedding. i knew the wedding was approaching. i had just watched the movie "the secret." there were a lot of great sayings in there and so i made this little "book" of sayings from the secret. and slipped it in his carry-on the night before he left for PA. and that was it.

i hadn't heard from him for over 2 weeks. he wasn't supposed to be gone but for 7 days. i'd waited for his calls. i'd watch the dogwalkers walk his dog. he was so close but so far away. i wouldn't dare call. i wouldn't give in.... i thought for sure he was there with her.... and that's why he hadn't called.

then one morning at 5 something a.m. i got this mass string of text messages, all at once. so did my sister. so did my mom. all from him. as if he'd been texting us all along, but they all just came through at that time.....

guess who fell for that stupid trick??? *raises hand* meeeeee!!!!

i called him and he was in tears.... couldn't believe he'd heard from me.... said he'd spent so many nights waiting to hear from me, texting me in the dark with one eye open, unable to sleep because i wasn't responding....

BULL FREAKIN SHIT DUDE!!!!!!!

guess who picked him up at the airport that day? and who totally didn't even ask questions, (probably because i secretly knew, but didn't want to know).... i was just glad he was there and wanted me....

sooooo much time went by....

and then i learned of her lingerie that was in his closet.

no i didn't find it (i never would have snooped through his belongings)....

he told me that he had thrown it away... (oh that's nice. i didn't even know it was there)....

then i found a drawer full of pictures and cards and letters and emails (okay, i was totally snooping now)....

all the times she just "magically" showed up at his place, they were all planned.

but he never told me that....

he said he had no idea she was coming....

and you know the sickening thing?

i just waited.

i sat back and waited WHILE WE LIVED ON THE SAME PROPERTY!!!!

i'd watch her walk his dog (that i walked when she was in PA).

i watched her walk to the grocery store and come back with groceries ....

and flowers....

i watched them sit on the patio with candlelight,

while i stumbled home to finish off bottles of wine there....

alone.

only to wake up to a flower, a purple orchid, on my doorstep.

just to let me know he came by....

(he had a purple orchid at his home from me..... i brought it there because i loved orchids and his house needed color.)

i brought the orchid in and put it in water.... and set it next to my bed for a long time.

STUPID!!!!!

just a few short days before my father passed away, i found out that while i was in TN taking care of my dad, (just 3 weeks prior) he had attempted to kiss my very best friend.... they messed around some other time and had an "ashley bashing" session while i was in freakin TENNESSEE taking care of my dad who was 3 short weeks away from passing away....

how sick is that? i even tried to get over that.... and we eventually got a place together.... a 3 bedroom beautiful place together.... we tried to be a "family."

but i had already checked out.

i was a BITCH!

a

B

I.

T.

C.

H.

a freakin BITCH!

i wanted nothing to do with this relationship anymore....

i didn't hate him.

he just wasn't the right person for me anymore.

THIS IS WHEN I LEARNED FORGIVENESS....

i didn't hate him.

he just wasn't the right person for me anymore....

i couldn't get him to sign our 30 day notice, and since we were month to month on our lease, i had to go to the office and ask them to serve us a 30 day notice to vacate the property (i was so ashamed)....

i cringe at the mere thought of him.

i cringe at the mere thought of the situation.

i cringe at the mere thought of my stupidity.....

i was NOT in love.....

i was MAJORLY insecure....

i guess i wanted to know i was the one he wanted....

the best one.

the "winner."

i "won" when i left him.

i found my husband....

baby bird.

at the time i was seeing this douchebag.

he was super skinny and drove a corvette.

NOTE TO PEOPLE.... the kind of cars that people drive.... it's important. and i'll get to that later.... NEVER DATE A GUY WHO DRIVES A CORVETTE!!!! consider yourself warned.

he was a guy that everyone always said was soooo handsome and such a stud and such a keeper and i was so lucky to have him. (mind you, i never thought he was soooo handsome) i think i probably only semi liked him initially because everyone else wanted him so bad and for whatever reason, he wanted me....

he was a baby.

a crybaby.

he whined all the time.

complained about everything.

i remember one time, he got mad at me for singing in the car.

seriously.

he said, "music makes you so happy. how come i don't make you that happy?"

i didn't say anything....

because if i had opened my mouth, it wouldn't have been nice.

i think we dated for like 3 months or so....

UGH!!!!!

3 months FAR too long.

i remember he didn't want me to ever go out with my friends.

in fact, he hated my best friend....

he hated her because he said "you like her more than you like me."

i DEFINITELY had my blinders on then....

however, one afternoon, my best friend and i totally left work early and headed to the beach (and the rows of bars that lined this beach).... we were going in for ONE drink and an appetizer....

welllll, we each ordered our 1 drink and no joke, before we even had a few sips of our drink, we had 3 other shots (each) in front of us.... we were at some hole in the wall bar and it was filled with a bunch of guys.... i'm sure we knew what we were doing, but we really weren't talking to anyone else.

the bartender said, "oh this shot's on _____" and then pointed to some other douchebag looking guy in the middle of a much bigger group of guys.... we were like "ohh hey. thanks! (douchebag)" okay, so we mumbled the DB part, but laughed about it to each other.... we REALLY didn't plan on going to this bar and getting completely hammered!!!! but before we knew it.... no appetizers were consumed, however 3 very tall washington apple shots and some smirnoff something rathers were consumed.... we were HAMMERED!!!! sooo hammered that i remember thinking to myself, "did i bring a purse? if i brought my purse, i don't remember having it.... where is my purse? wait, did i even bring a purse?" i also remember thinking at some point during the night, "how the hell are we going to get home? we totally drove here with the intent to drink ONE drink each and eat.... wait, how did we get here? whose car did we bring here?" this is true. i remember thinking that. and then thinking it again and again and again.... i remember we called a coworker to come get us, but told him that he needed to bring another person so they could drop him off and he could drive our car home. i don't know how we managed to get that out (maybe my friend told him) but we got it right.... so he came and got us and she drove with his friend and i was in my car with him... and i just remember saying over and over again, "i didn't eat. i'm gonna throw up." and he kept telling me we were almost there.... and i kept saying "PULL OVER! I'M GONNA PUKE!" so he pulled over to some scary park bathroom (which i now know AFTER the fact, because at the time, i had no idea where we were, except that it reminded me of a beach bathroom...)

anyway, since i had totally forgotten about my purse that night, it meant that i forgot about my phone that night too... which i had about 27 missed calls and probably 50+ text messages and no i'm not exaggerating.

you see, baby bird (as i like to call him), was all "worried" about me and called all of my family and had them drive out to the beach to look for me too.... it was ridiculous.... i'm sure some of you are saying, "awwww, that's not ridiculous... he cared about you." YES IT WAS RIDICULOUS!!!!! IT WAS BARELY 7 O CLOCK!!!! THAT IS RIDICULOUS!!!!! IIIIF it were like midnight, MAYBE i could understand this a little bit more.... but it wasn't.... i got home (hammered) with my best friend and he was on his way there.... (he had an apt key i had let him borrow because he was off work earlier than me one day and wanted to go hang out at my apt until i got off.) or so that was the story he gave. now that i look back, he was probably totally all up in my shit and snooping through everything i had... which is where my tiffany's ring went. i just know it.... but whatever.

i stumbled in MY apt and to the bathroom.... my girlfriend was there and i remember feeling soo sick that i went and stripped down and filled up the bathtub with hot water.... i got in there sticking my face like halfway under water and we started talking crap about him....

i was saying, "he's such a baby. my gosh!" i guess minutes later, he came in and came into the bathroom.... i had the shower curtain pulled closed because my friend was on the other side sitting in the bathroom laughing and joking with me.... and then all of a sudden, the curtain pulled back and there he was.... !!!! UGH!!! baby bird.... he was like, "OMG! LOOK AT YOU!!! you're not even YOU!" all of my built up anger towards him came out. i totally mocked him and was like "wah wah wah. you're such a big effing baby." i was MEAN.... i mean, MEAN mean.... not just like semi-mean. i was freakin MEAN! and he deserved it. he is gross and disgusting and totally just gross and disgusting and he didn't deserve to even be in my life for a minute, let alone 3 months on and off.... who goes on and off after 3 months? that should have been my first clue, that HELLO!!!! something wasn't right!!!!

UGH! it is honestly bringing vomit into the back of my throat just thinking about it.

i guess baby bird says more about me than it does about him.

i was stupid.

like STUPID, stupid.

i totally ended this relationship, but ended it because he told me i needed to go to rehab. SERIOUSLY?! rehab? because i was a lightweight, and totally couldn't handle alcohol for a night? funny that the very first night we ever hung out was at a concert.... a concert where i had a few drinks. i wasn't hammered, but he obviously knew then, that i liked to have drinks occasionally. stupid. wow. he was lame. and so were his parents, whom i never met, but they were like older than my grandparents. and the whole situation was just weird.

oh! another story about baby bird....

he said he didn't want me watching american idol.

he said he thought i fantasized about the guy singers on there, because they could sing and he couldn't.

SERIOUSLY?!

OMG!

and one of the most annoying things that he did was practice his golf swing any and everywhere you were. he didn't care who he was talking to, he practiced his golf swing.

I.

HATE.

GOLF.

i wasn't in love.

i was insecure....

i'm stupid. you're stupid. we've all been stupid!

this isn't calling you stupid. okay so maybe it totally is....

it's just that IIIII was stupid too!!!

i thought, or wanted to believe, that i loved many people....

i think it was part of my whole codependency thing.

i found someone who needed help.

thought i loved them.

thought they loved me.

thought i could change them.

thought they would LOVE ME enough to change for me.

realized they weren't going to change.

realized i couldn't change them.

realized i couldn't SAVE them.

realized i didn't LOVE them....

and had "the most painful breakup ever."

it was only painful, because i was stupid (or not right in the head.)

because if i WAS right in the head, the breakup wouldn't be painful.

in fact, i probably wouldn't have been in the relationship to begin with, which would have meant there wouldn't have been a breakup, which meant it REALLY wouldn't have been painful.

either way, i was stupid.

i can still be very stupid at times, but i'm not NEARLY as stupid as i have been most of my life.

i've got a heart of gold.

and most of you do too....

you've just got to focus that heart of gold on YOU before you go trying to focus it on everyone else....

trust me.

focusing on other people may distract you, but it's not healthy....

and no you're not being super loving and caring.

you're being STUPID....

you're not IN LOVE....

you're INSECURE....

i'll share with you some extremely stupid stories about how extremely STUPID i was in my past....

naive stupid mostly.

crazy stupid a lot of times.

but mostly naive stupid.

and then i thought i was "forgiving" when the stupid guys would do something stupid,

but i wasn't "forgiving".... i was just being even more stupid because i was too weak to let go....

i thought i would be failing at something.

something STUPID.

so follow along on this stupid journey,

if you yourself are stupid.

if you know someone stupid,

or if you just want to hear stories about how STUPID i was....