beautiful, white russian. woot!

A big, huge thank you to Mr. Patrick Tillett over at "Extremely Overdue," which is just an extremely awesome blog, that if you are not already following, well you should.... but go back to his childhood stories.... you gotta go back into time with him.... he has had one hell of a life, and has boatloads of crazy, awesome, sad, and hilarious stories to tell. he is also an AMAZING photographer and posts pictures from all over.... he's just great. Go check him out!!!

And THEN, there is BayGirl32 from "What's the Story Morning Glory?" who kindly gave me this Beautiful Blogger award!!! She has stories of ALL kinds. I love her absolute honesty and she makes me laugh! Is it weird to not know someone in person but totally respect them anyway?? Because I definitely respect her for all that she is and does!! (she even stays up late studying!!!!) Go check her out!

The rules: pass the award on to 7 bloggers and write 7 things about myself that you did not know!

Let's see....

1. i produce my best results when i'm overworked and stressed out, however i don't like being overworked and stressed out.... but think that maybe i secretly do, because that is when i produce my best results.... in almost everything.... does that make sense?

2. i haven't ever had to go to jury duty. everyone says how much they hate jury duty. i sometimes think i might like it.... however, i have a hard time assuming innocence for many people once they've been arrested, which then leads to my assumption that i likely wouldn't be picked to be on a jury, but i still think it might be kinda cool....

3. in 2007, i came up with a business idea and a few weeks later came up with a business name.... wanted to share this business idea with my very best friend in the world (aka "boss").... the one whose friendship i lost because of mr clean. to this day, i think she still plans to go forward with the business (i don't know if she plans to use the name or not), but i woke up thinking about that this morning and i think it would bother me if she used the name that i picked. that sounds selfish, doesn't it?

4. i have a fairly large sized, orange and red koi fish tattooed down the left side of my rib cage with my daughter's name (in japanese) inside. it was actually just my daughter's name down my rib cage, and then a few years later i added the koi around it.... i also have 2 other tattoos, that are also in japanese.... i am a quarter japanese.... go figure.

5. even though i have duplicate checks (the kind that keep a carbon copy of the check you wrote), i usually STILL act surprised when the money's taken out of the account a week or so later.... i usually have forgotten about the check i had written by then, and somehow feel cheated when the money's gone. you'd think, by now, i would have stopped ordering checks....

6. i never know how to study for a quiz or test unless the professor tells me exactly how to do it.... i usually think i've got all the information i need for the test and then when i sit down to do it, i sit there looking at the questions like, "ummm, did they even GO OVER THIS?!?" and i think that's pretty much one of the worst feelings ever.....

7. i wish i could make money writing.... but i'm pretty sure i can't, so i'm going to school for Nursing and writing and making/drinking coffee for (money) and fun. =)

i'm supposed to pass this on to 7 bloggers.... Forgive me for postponing this one for JUST a bit.... i'm going to have to sit on this one for a few.... but i WILL! =)

Thank you again Pat and BayGirl!!! They are very much appreciated!!!!

part 6 mr clean. - to move out or not to move out.

the beginning of mr clean

part 2.

part 3.

part 4.

part 5.

.... i sat there in the tub, realizing i wanted out....

soooo badly i wanted out.

it had come to this point of just co-existing....

well, it pretty much had been since a few nights after we moved in together....

i'd try to go to sleep as early as possible...

and even if i really wasn't sleeping, i'd act like i was so that he wouldn't talk to me.

he always wanted to watch tv shows, talk, stay up late, sit outside and talk.

i wanted none of it.

he'd try to do sweet, romantic things, that just weren't sweet and romantic to me....

not even a little bit.

like light candles and buy a bottle of wine and have it set up outside with some flowers picked or bought or whatever....

i seriously wouldn't even acknowledge the flowers.

i'd turn the lights on....

and blow out the candles....

"i don't feel like drinking. thanks," i'd say as he sat waiting to "take my hand to lead me outside to sit with him...."

i didn't care about him or any of his stupid tactics anymore....

part of me felt bad for the efforts he was putting forth.

the other part of me felt like "where the hell were these kind gestures before?! hmmm?! asshole!"

it was april. i wanted out.

i needed out....

but i didn't know how to go about it.

we were month to month where we were. (as an employee, that's what you were)

i printed out an intent to vacate notice....

perfect.

the only requirement?

BOTH of our signatures....

i signed and dated it immediately, slipped in in my purse to take home and have him sign it too....

only he didn't know it was coming....

not even a little bit.

not even a HINT that it was coming....

that night i came home to candles....

to flowers....

to dinner made.

the whole place smelled wonderful.

but i wouldn't dare tell him that.

hell no.

he had a paper to sign....

right?

this was what i wanted to do, right?

RIGHT?!

wait.... do i really want to do this alone.... again???

i passed on the dinner.

and he was okay with it.

a bit disappointed, but okay with it.

put all the food into containers and into the fridge.

poured 2 glasses of wine and asked if i'd sit outside with him.

i passed on the wine as well.

but did sit outside for a brief moment.

but only because the creek was soooo peaceful....

all you could hear were the frogs, the crickets and the streaming water....

the stars lit up the sky....

it could have been very romantic....

until the words from my brain somehow linked to my mouth and came spewing out....

i'd fantasized about making this a good thing....

a positive thing....

about letting him off slowly....

easily.....

"i'm not happy." *pause* "i want to move out. i already printed the notice and i signed it. i just need you to sign it too."

i still had my purse on my shoulder....

he was dumbfounded.

he pleaded a little bit.

leaned back in his chair.

flipped over an empty pot to grab his hidden cigarettes.

nice!

after alllll that we had already gone through.

he was STILL hiding shit.

like cigarettes.

how did he hide them from me?!

how did i not know?

i'll tell you how.

because he'd smoke outside when i wasn't there.

he'd get rid of all of the evidence....

change his clothes.

wash them.

he was always doing laundry "for" me while i was working.

aaaaand, the biggest way he hid it from me?

i wasn't kissing him anymore.

i wasn't close enough to his face to even smell it if he were.

he. was. pissed.

he said he wasn't going to sign it.

said he wasn't going to just sign the paper.

wasn't going to do it.

i could feel the anger rising....

it started in the pit of my stomach and felt as though it was churning....

from my stomach up my esophagus....

that twisting, crunching feeling like you're going to explode....

like all the heat your body contains is just radiating off of your ears....

that's how i felt....

and i swallowed all of that anger.

ALL of it.

and walked inside.

still in my work clothes.

purse still over my shoulder.

i pulled out the signed notice to vacate, looked down at it for a second.

i knew it was the right thing to do....

i ignored any and all of the feelings i had felt, and KNEW it was the right thing to do.

i set it on the buffet piece under the dim lamp and headed upstairs....

maybe if he saw it.

signed.

and dated.

maybe, just maybe, he'd know i meant it....

and maybe, just maybe,

he'd sign the damned thing....

part 5 mr clean

the beginning of mr clean

part 2

part 3

part 4

.... my heart wanted to forgive mr clean....

but more than that, i didn't want to be alone.

i didn't want to face the days alone.

i didn't want to wake up in the middle of the night, crying, alone....

i just didn't.

he had me right where he wanted me....

weak.

desperate.

insecure.

stupid....

he asked if we could move in together.

said he wanted to make things easier on me.

help me financially.

said he wanted to make everything right.

wanted to come home to me every night.

oooo.

"financially help," as in i would be paying less rent?

score!

"come home to me every night," as in, i didn't have to wonder who what he was doing every single night?

sounded good.

so we started looking.

(remember, i was in property management, so i got a decent discount on any place we'd rent with the company within a few different cities....) did i NOT see that this was HUGELY benefitting him as well?? who knows.... but i didn't seem to care....

we looked at the top of the line....

and settled somewhere right in the middle.

the place we chose was BEAUTIFUL!

expensive.

backed up to the creek.

SUPER spacious....

attached 2 car garage.

and it would have cost us an arm and a leg had i not worked for the company who owned it.

moving into this place together meant that HE was saving over $400 each month (just on rent alone).

that doesn't include the super discounted cable that came as one of my perks either....

he was TOTALLY making out bigtime.

we ran our credit scores to get the place....

it should have been a freakin clue that MY credit was better than his....

he was a nurse....

making like $80k/yr. (and i was a freakin single mom with medical bills owed and blah blah blah)

seriously.

whatever.

i didn't care about that either....

in we moved!!

the end of december....

it was nice....

for the first few nights of having a huge place, on a creek....

and then i began to wonder.... (just a few nights later)

"what was the point of moving in with him?"

"why did i do this?"

i knew....

i freakin KNEW i did it for all the wrong reasons....

i just knew that i wanted to see more commitment from him, and i thought this was going to help.... i wanted to know that he meant everything he had said....

but deep down inside, it's not what i wanted.

not even a little bit....

i fought the internal demons for quite sometime.

he tried.

he tried soo hard for the next few months....

but i just kept pushing away.

i'd go out linedancing every wednesday, sometimes mondays too....

sometimes i was really tired and didn't want to go, but i went anyway....

because it pissed him off that i wasn't at home.... with him....

i told him he could come with me one time....

he agreed.

and i drank.

an entire bottle of wine (secretly) before we'd even left the house.

i was completely shitfaced before we even arrived at the place....

i vaguely remember taking a few free shots with one of the girls who worked there....

i remember having to pee,

multiple times, and trying to tell myself "do NOT appear drunk. make light conversation and continue on."

but the "light" and "normal" conversations i had tried to have with people just weren't very light and normal....

i. was. wasted....

the lil sis went into the bathroom with me....

into the STALL with me...

all i had to do was PEE....

and sleep....

i fell asleep on the toilet....

mr clean was waiting at the bar for us....

but we didn't come....

sis pulled me up and even threatened to beat some girl down if she knocked on our stall one more time.....

i didn't do it for any other reason than to piss him off.

and i did.

he had to carry me out.... with some stranger.

i have NEVER in my life felt that horrible....

i puked everywhere. multiple times....

i hated him.

i wanted him to HAVE to take care of me.

i wanted to P-U-N-I-S-H him....

i was slowly beginning to hate him....

and the next day, he worked.

i sat in the bath for a long, long time.

our big, oval, deluxe style tub, overlooking the creek....

i sat in that tub, on my bruised ass tailbone and thought,

"where did i go? what happened to me?"

no, not referring to the night before.....

i meant ME....

what the hell happened to ME?!

dammit!!! i was ANGRY!

i used to care so much!

he did this!!!!

she did this!!!

THEY did this!!!!

TO MEEEE!!!!!

who the fuck was i now?!

i was so angry....

i didn't CARE if he hurt!

i didn't CARE if he was embarrassed.

i didn't give a shit WHAT the fuck he felt anymore....

i just didn't....

he could have walked out and left right then and there.... and i wouldn't have cared....

the only part that would have hurt was, me....

ME because i would have STILL believed that i wasn't good enough for even an ugly, bald, lying, cheating piece of shit to want me....

i wanted out of the apartment.

i wanted out of the "relationship."

i wanted out of the anger.

at any cost,

I wanted out....

part 4 mr clean, featuring BBE (big burly ex)

the beginning of mr clean

part 2

part 3

he came to my apartment.... knocking on my door.... talking to me through my door.... it woke me up....

i quickly wiped the snot from my face.... and the dried tears from my eyes.... blew my nose and stood up against the door to hear what he was saying a little bit better....

i'm sure he knew....

i know he knew i wanted to hear what he had to say....

i shouldn't have, but i did.

i wanted to hear what he had to say.

i wanted to hear him tell me what a mistake it was and how much he loved me....

i wanted to know that.... to hear it.... (and still not believe it.... even though i somehow convinced myself at the time to believe it.... deep down, i didn't.....) but it was easier to move forward WITH him, than it was to move forward WITHOUT him.... at least at that point it was....

i opened the door.

i unlocked the door and let him in....

and i got back down on the floor to just lie there.... i didn't cry in front of him, but i turned my head away from him.... asking whatever questions i wanted to, because right then, III had the upper hand in this.... for ONCE, I HAD THE UPPER HAND!!!! and i was going to take full advantage of having the upperhand, finally!

2 days later, November 24th, i get this horrible call while at work....

it was my stepmother....

she was frantic....

my father was dying...

he was at the hospital since earlier that morning (complications with his cancer, ongoing for 6 years, it was nothing new) , and he was dying....

they gave him minutes to live....

she put the phone to his ear and all i could hear was the loud blowing sound of the oxygen blowing into his mask....

it sounded like the wind....

i could hear her sobbing in the background as i tried to verbally puke up the last minute things i never imagined i'd have to choke up so soon.

i didn't know what to say, except that i loved him.

"dad, i love you. you don't have to hang on anymore," i'd told him. "you go and take care of grandma and uncle bill.... i love you. i love you so much."

and then i heard her voice again, frantic in the phone... sobbing, not even making sense.... she kept telling me that he couldn't understand me.... he was already gone....

you see, my father was taken to the hospital that morning....

they live in a TINY little town in tennessee, where the nearest hospital is an hour plus away....

he walked himself to the ambulance and looked back at their house.... he had his arm around my stepmom and he told her, "i'm not coming back this time. we've had a good life together." my stepmom didn't have time for that nonsense talk.... "yes you are. you're coming back with me. don't talk like that." she was rushing him to get into the ambulance.... he got into the ambulance and she rushed to pack bags for the hospital. she didn't know how long they'd be staying.... he was admitted that saturday morning around 7 am and passed away at noon.

my father was a DNR (do not resuscitate, sp?) patient and i feel like because he was a DNR, they really just stepped back.... almost as if to wipe their hands clean of him.

they knew he was going to pass, but he was in so much pain.... he'd asked for pain meds, but THEY.... NEVER.... CAME.... he had an oxygen mask on.... and shortly before he passed, he sat up and said, "i gotta go!"

stepmom asks, "where are you going honey?"

dad says, "i don't know, but i gotta go!"

and then spewed green mucus type stuff EVERYWHERE.... all in his face mask, all over himself, all over the bed and the floor.... his eyes rolled back and he fell back onto the bed horizontally, when he should have been vertical.... he was now hanging off of the bed.... his vitals dropped quickly and my stepmom yelled for help....

she said it looked like a scene from a horror movie.... and the nurses didn't seem to move fast enough.

they got him up on the bed and said he was already gone.... his brain had shut down.... and just moments later, the rest of his body and heart did too.....

it guts me to type this story out on here....

to think about my father in that way....

i've never really shared much of this story with anyone, maybe the pain of reliving it??

perhaps.

maybe because no one else needed the mental images of my father's passing?

maybe.

because i didn't want the emotion that comes along with that time of his passing? it's possible....

the story and the feelings associated with that period in my life are unthinkable....

the things i did,

the poor, POOR decisions i made, and continued to make, had me spiraling downhill....

and FAST....

just FOUR days....

4 measly, freakin', stinkin' days after i'd found out the shit that went down with best friend and mr clean,

there HE was....

he was the one whose arms i found myself crying in.....

he was the one whose lap i fell weak into and cried until i slept....

he was the one who i let comfort my weakness and rub my back....

yes.

he was the one.....

he asked if he could fly back to tennessee with me for the funeral.

of course he could....

i didn't feel strong enough to do ANYTHING on. my. own.

anyone at my side, was stronger than no one at my side....

and even if there WAS family.... i needed something stronger....

someone who wasn't feeling pain too....

i needed someone who knew the deeper darker secrets i was holding in my aching, half ass broken heart....

i needed someone to just focus on ME, dammit!!!!

i was in tennessee and big burly ex had texted me....

it's a secret regret that i have held with me up until this point.

this very point of typing it out on here....

you see, my dad loved big burly ex.

dad said i was going to marry big burly ex one day.

he said "mark my words...."

big burly ex was the only non-douchebag that i ever dated.... (besides my now husband, of course)

he was the only one who ever genuinely cared about my well being.

i was too young and too stupid to see that at the time....

my gut wanted so badly to call him and tell him to come....

i know he would have carried my father's casket....

my dad really loved him that much.

you know, i go on and say that there is nothing in life that i regret, but i really do regret that....

having mr clean there to comfort me, when i knew it should have been BBE.

honestly, i can't even tell you what all took place during the funeral time and such....

that week is really blurry when i look back on it now....

i remember seeing a bunch of friends and family from the midwest and east coast that i hadn't seen in years.... i remember the speech that i had given.... and i remember the basis of my speech.... it was about forgiveness....

i spoke about how my father taught me many things in his life.... whether directly, or indirectly... he taught me many things....

he taught me that people deserved a 2nd chance.....

he taught me how to forgive....

i really truly learned to forgive with my father's passing.

i forgave him for cheating on my mother....

multiple times.

and forgave him for me harboring the feelings that he was, in turn, cheating on us too....

i forgave him for the actions he showed me, that lead me to assume that i, as well as my sister and mother, were not good enough for him to be faithful.

i forgave him for drinking in excess,

and for not picking us up when he told us he would.

i forgave him for yelling at me for so many years,

and expecting nothing but perfection from me....

i forgave him for investing more financially into my older sister than he did in me.

i forgave him for embarrassing me on multiple occasions,

and hurting my feelings many, MANY different times.....

i forgave him for calling me a wannabe nurse, when i flew out to tennessee just 3 and a half weeks prior, to take care of him, and try to nurse him back to health.

i forgave him for continuously putting me down, and all of the stupid decisions i've ever made....

for calling me a slut....

i forgave him....

and dammit, i was going to forgive mr clean too....

even if it took.

every.

last.

bit.

of my soul to do so....

mr clean (part 3)

the beginning of mr clean

part 2

so.... I should have known.... his plans were much more than a 7 day vacation to the east coast for one of his best friend's weddings.... but I didn't want to believe anything more than just that. and so I didn't.

12 days went by.... twelve freakin days went by.... i heard nothing.... i didn't text him, not even once. i, DID, however call from a blocked number once, just to see if he would answer. he didn't. it went straight to his voicemail.

i tried to convince myself that he didn't have service.... or that his battery was dead and he didn't take his phone charger with him.

during those 12 days, a lot happened on my end. i had a friend over and we sat on my patio, sipping a glass of wine (or multiple glasses of wine, i can't remember).... i remember wondering what his reasons could be for not calling. not texting.... i'd even wondered if i had bugged him by asking if he was going to see her. i wondered if that was "over the top." looking back, it wasn't. but it WAS stupid... because if i had to ASK if he was going to see her, then it probably wasn't the healthiest "relationship" to be in....

12 days seems like a long time but it doesn't.... 12 days felt like 3 months, and i began to start accepting that i couldn't change what was happening during that time.... i had told myself BEFORE he left, that i would give him that card and NOT call him at all.... i stood true to that (almost)... he didn't know the private number was me... and it went straight to his voicemail, so he doesn't even know i tried calling....

one morning.... i think it was right towards the end of september.... i was sleeping.... it was my day off ( a wednesday or a thursday).... i got a text message.

and another.....

and about 15 more...

all. at. once.

they were all. from. him.

the texts came through, not making any sense whatsoever....

"i'm here. at the airport. waiting for bill to pick me up."

wait, what? bill is in pittsburgh. i thought you were there like 12 days ago.... (i didn't send that, but this is my thought process.... hang tight)....

"me and the guys went out for his bachelor party tonight. had some beers. had an amazing dinner. thought of you the whole time. now i'm lying in bed. everyone's asleep, and i'm squinting because the light from the cell phone is so bright. just wanted you to know i was thinking of you." (or some bullshit like that)

"hope you're enjoying the birthday party today!! call me when you get this...." (was one of them, as he knew i was throwing a birthday party while he was gone)

those were the only ones that i can really remember, and then there was a series of text messages that went together like a story.... pretty much saying that he had told her allllll about me.... she didn't take it well.... he couldn't stay there any longer.... the card i gave him was amazing.... he didn't know what to say.... he loved the booklet of sayings.... blah blah blah....

i woke up to these.... and was like, "WHAT THE HELL?! he's been texting me all along!!!! and i wasn't getting them!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!! HE LOOOOOVES ME!!!!!!" (it's okay. you don't have to smack me. i've already beaten myself up for this one multiple times.....)

it wasn't even 6 am. i called my sister. she said, "i just got text messages from him too!" and then i called my mom... "i got a couple too."

their voices were all raspy.... although my older sister was a lot more awake than my mom. my mom wasn't too impressed, but tried to share in the joy i was having at this moment....

i tried calling him after i talked to them both.... got his voicemail.

what the HELL?! but i just got all these text messages from him!!!!

i continued trying to call him on and off for the next few hours... finally at around 8 am, i got through... IT WAS RINGING!!!!!!

now was he going to pick up?

"Ashley?!"

"yes?!"

"Ashley! oh my God! Ashley it's you! it's soooo good to hear your voice!!!!"

"I just got all these text messages all at once! where are you?!" i asked.

"ohhh Ashley.... i'm in chicago. on a layover. heading home.... i arrive around noon," he said.

"who's picking you up?" I'd asked.

"i'd planned on taking a cab home."

"can i come pick you up?" i SERIOUSLY asked.....

"i would love nothing more...." he said....

he was crying (or at least fake crying, and i totally fell for it)....

he was telling me how he'd been texting me all along, and how he baaaarely has service where he is and that he just can't wait to see me and tell me everything that has happened.....

i was BEYOND THRILLED!!!!

"I GET TO PICK HIM UP!!!! YAY ME!!!!!" (i get to waste my FUCKING gas and go pick up this bald idiot!!!!) <---- didn't think that at the time... this is the present me speaking....

i cleaned the car out.... put this cd in... got all cute to go pick him up....

i parked at the airport and went and waited at the bottom of the escalator.

he'd called when he'd landed. told me he'd be down shortly.

MIND YOU, this idiot it like 10 years older than me (looks like 3o years older than me).... his style is TOTALLY different than ANYONE i've EVER dated before.... he wore like light denim jeans.... some button down under a navy blue sport coat, with a freakin ass cowboy hat.... (i'd never seen the cowboy hat before, but whatever)....

and down the escalator he comes.... i was thrilled....

he comes and hugs me soooo tight.... he stopped and pulled back to look me in my eyes and say, "i love you." he said it like seriously 15 times....

i'd told him several times that I loved spending time with him....

he just never said it back.

so i think that was his way of telling me that he loved me back....

"i love you. i love you. i love you," he just kept saying over and over....

he wanted to go have lunch....

where he proceeded to tell me all that had happened....

how he read the card on his layover in arizona on the way there, and texted me then.... then he said he texted me when he landed in pittsburgh.... and how he texted me the first night and from then on.... and that he'd even tried calling.... reception wasn't the greatest, but he thought i was just ignoring his calls the whole time!!!

NOOOO!!!! i wasn't ignoring his calls!!!! (cuz he wasn't fucking calling to begin with!!!!) <---- that's the present me again.... sorry.....

i bought it.

every. last. bit.

the reception.

it was bad.

he WAS trying to text me and call me all along.... he just couldn't stop hugging me....

telling me he was certain this was it....

he wanted to be together.....

he wanted to be my boyfriend....

he LOVED me....

a few weeks had passed.

my dad had been hospitalized, having his left lung removed....

was there for over a month....

it was hard times...

but finally mr clean came around and was there....

super supportive.

and then came the phone call, from my stepmom about a month later (end of October)....

she needed me....

i jumped on a flight out that day and was in Tennessee....

to help her take care of my dad.

we bickered about me leaving at the drop of a dime for my father....

he said, "you just up and leave what you've started here."

"UMMMMM, I'M COMING BACK!!!! DUH!!!"

i didn't care if this upset him.

i just didn't.

i felt like, "EFF YOU! i sat here WAITING for you. not knowing WHAT THE FUCK you were doing on the OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY!!!! i am GOING TO TAKE CARE OF MY DAD! get the eff over it!" i didn't SAY that, but that's what i thought.... and that's pretty much what i argued.... minus the eff bombs.... (well maybe a few)....

he didn't get it....

i stayed a week.

one week.

7 days...

i called him every chance i got....

but really tried to enjoy the time i had with my dad.... (and stepmom)....

my dad was in poor shape.

such poor shape, that i contemplated staying longer....

i didn't know if i'd ever see him again....

but i went home....

i came home to mr clean.

he missed me.

i thought he still had a chip on his shoulder but he was being AWFULLY lovey and going very far out of his way to show me how much he cared.....

was he hiding something? (of COURSE he was!!!! DUH you stupid insecure girl!!!!) <---present me....

a few weeks of me being home had passed.

remember, mr clean, best friend (aka boss) and myself all lived at same community....

best friend was at my apartment one night and says, "ash, i need to tell you something..."

"shit! i'm getting fired! what did i do?" i thought to myself, but instead asked, "what?" i know my voice went down when i asked.... i knew it wasn't good news.... and so i waited....

"he tried to kiss me," she said....

"what?! when?"

"while you were gone...."

"when?! when were you around him for him to try to kiss you?" i asked.

she explained to me, that she went to work out one night with another friend.... and called him on her way back to the property to see if he needed anything (which i find completely WEIRD to begin with, but whatever).... he wanted cigarettes.... wait, i thought he stopped smoking?! UGH! shit on top of shit on top of shit.... (bull. shit. that is....) but whatever.... she brought him cigarettes and delivered them to his apartment and didn't plan on staying, but he invited her in.... mind you, his apartment was very relaxing.... very welcoming.... he had his patio always lit with a candle on the folding table if he was sitting outside, with a glass (or 10) of wine.... windows were open.... music from his ipod hooked up to the television.... lights out.... candles lit everywhere.... that's just how it always was....

she went in....

he made her a drink.

MY favorite drink, mind you. (stupid details like that pissed me off at the time)....

they sat and talked....

for HOURS!!!!!

she proceeded to tell me his "complaints" about me....

and she shared her complaints about me to him....

what the fuck was this? an Ashley bashing session??!!!

apparently....

and apparently that turned him on....

they totally hooked up... he leaned in to kiss her.... shit just happened, whatever....

bottom line, i was just finding out about this now....

2 days before thanksgiving....

i walked over to his apartment, helped myself in (door was unlocked).... he was already in bed, lights out.... well i flicked on EVERY light in the place....

i began RIPPING up the cards i had ever given him.

i started turning the place over....

getting all my shit...

my shampoo.

my loofa.

my toothbrush.

all.

my.

shit.

i started throwing the shreds of the cards at him.... he gets on his phone and instantly calls her....

i SMACKED the fucking phone off his stupid ass bald head and it fell to the floor.

i ended the call.

and screamed at the top of my lungs at his face....

i wanted to smack his face....

every part of me wanted to smack his face.

but i didn't.

i gathered myself (and my shiiiiit) and went back home....

waiting for the police to come banging on my door.

they never came.

i thought for sure i'd get in trouble for something like disturbing the peace or something....

but i didn't....

no one called.....

i fell asleep crying.

on my living room floor that night.

at my computer....

i fell asleep with a clogged nose....

that i couldn't breathe out of....

i wanted to pound their faces.

both of them....

it hurt.

i hurt.

i felt broken....

betrayed.

and very very broken.....

the versatile blogger award.

a big thank you to Ms. Anthropy over at "Ms. Anthropy... Sarcastic Granny," who awarded me with this "versatile blogger" award....

she is a suuuper sweet lady, with a great sense of humor and probably the BEST commenter in the world....

Following the rules of this award I have to give you seven tidbits about myself that you may not know. Pass the award on.

1. I just got my wisdom teeth out on friday. it sucked.
2. i had a crush on my husband when i was lik 10. he didn't even know i existed.
3. I cry a lot. like when i watch extreme makeover: home edition. intervention sometimes. (if the people aren't completely crazy and actually want to clean up their lives.... i like that).
4. i will be getting lasik eye surgery, actually it's a procedure called PRK because my corneas are a bit too thin.... probably within the next few weeks here.... because i'm legally blind. without my contacts or glasses, i can't see anything.... everything is just smudged together.
5. I have a dry erase board in my living room with my bills on it, the due date and the amount owed, because if i put the board (or the bills anywhere else, it's likely i'll forget about them)....

6. I get carsick..... always have. i even threw up in my pillowcase once.
7. i don't like history, but am taking it online right now.

mr clean (part 2)

the beginning of mr. clean

so.... 2 days before she was supposed to be headed back to the east coast, i get a call from mr clean.

i'm sitting at my desk at work.

he called the office phone.

i give my introduction and then i hear his voice. "ashley?"

"uhhh, yeah?"

"can you sneak away for a bit and meet me over in the parking lot at the grocery store?" he asks.

"what? where are you? why?" i am completely confused.

i think (but do not say), "first of all, i'm working. second, where is your blonde babe at? you've completely ditched me for her this past week. why the EFF do you want me to meet you in the parking lot of the stupid grocery store that she's been walking to to get groceries to make your stupid ass dinner every night..... and if you didn't think i saw the flowers she was carrying... i did.... and if you think i didn't see you guys sitting out on the porch where you and i used to sit? well, i did!!"

it's like my mind kind of drifted to where I have been these past few days.... what IIII have been doing to fill MYYYY time while he's been with her.... i wondered if he'd seen me stumbling around the property, making my way over to my best friend's apartment (who happened to live on the same side of the complex as him).... i wonder if he had any idea how completely DRUNK i was after having 2 bottles of my OWN wine BY MYSELF!!!! i wonder if he saw that.... or if he saw me walking my dog.... BY MYSELF.... i knew he COULD see me from his patio, but i wondered if he did....

anyway, back to his call....

"i went into work today, but they let me go early. i needed to come talk to you. i need to see you," he said.

"let me see what i can do." and i REALLY went and asked if i could take an extended break and that i'd stay late to cover the time i was gone....

my best friend just so happened to be my boss.

she knew the situation and said "don't be long."

i hopped in my car and drove to the grocery store parking lot and hopped into his truck.

he went on to tell me how these past few days had been sooo rough....

not being able to see me....

or talk to me....

they've been driving him nuts....

he told me he'd called his dad and his dad could sense the hesitation and hurt in his voice....

and i TOTALLY fell for this shit...

kind of.

i think my gut new otherwise...

but ignore the gut....

i wanted to hear more weepy shit.

his eyes watered as he proceeded to tell me how he couldn't wait for her to go back home. how he was going to tell her that night that he wanted to be with me.... that he didn't want to continue to lead her on.... he was going to tell her tonight.... and then she would leave and everything would be magical and wonderful with us again, just like it was....

i wanted to believe that.

and so i did.

against my better judgment i totally believed that....

or at least i pretended to....

i felt all strong and like i had the upperhand....

i think he knew he was in again....

i was still there.

i hadn't gone anywhere.... not yet.

she left....

and he came to me the day she left.... just like he'd done on my birthday the month before....

only this time, i had had enough.

i wasn't going to do this again.

if she came out here again, i wasn't going to sit through it again....

"did you sleep with her?" i'd asked.

he looked down, almost like a punished little boy....

"ash.... c'mon. i don't wanna talk about... ugh." and he kinda shook his shoulders in disgust.

he looked up at me, "once. only once, and it made me sick. all i could do was think of you the whole time."

ONCE! YAY! ONLY ONCE!!!! i couldn't believe i was actually RELIEVED to know it was only ONCE!!!! and not every single night while she was there!!!

august went on, and september was approaching.... he told me about his friend's wedding on the east coast.... the east coast just so happened to be the same state that "she" lived in.... hmmm i thought to myself.... "i wonder if she's going to go." but i didn't ask. i didn't want to scare him away. he wasn't technically my boyfriend, so i'd just sit back and see what else comes up... i'll just enjoy the time we spend together..... and then the distance began. he wanted a little bit more space again.... and the date rapidly approached. i didn't even KNOW if he was going to see her or not.... i didn't know if he would be taking her with him to the wedding or not....

and i didn't. even. ask.

no, i just went along with life like it was grand and peachy and cheerful with a cherry on top.

i'd watched the movie "the secret" and fell in love with the movie. i wrote out about 10 pages of notes on the film and decided at the last minute, to make him a little booklet with some of the sayings.... after all, that's what he loved about me.... my optimism....

so i made this cute little book (about wallet sized) with a few great sayings.... hole-punched it and tied it together with some ribbon and had a card written out to him. it was just a friendly card, wishing him a safe and fun trip. i let him know how much i enjoyed spending time together and all that we were doing.... and blah blah. i really don't remember what it said, but i DO remember it was more of a friendly card than a lovey card. i wasn't lovey at that point.

so i had gone over to his apartment the night before he was leaving to go out of town. i slipped the card and booklet into his carryon, in the side pocket.... it worked out perfectly. the "not knowing if she was going to be there with him or not", was beginning to eat me alive.... and that night, i'd asked.... "are you going to see her while you're there? is she going with you to the wedding?"

"i don't know ashley. i have no idea. i haven't decided yet."

but he seemed so.... ANGRY that i asked him....

instantly, i felt guilty for asking, but then quickly snapped out of the guilt and snapped into feeling entitled. "well dammit! i deserve to know if you're going to the wedding with that whore!" okay, no i didn't say that, but i thought it, and apparently my attitude showed that that was exactly how i felt. we said goodbye, not on the best of terms, and he said he'd be home in a week. i had offered to watch his dog and walk her and feed her for the week that he was gone. he declined. he had hired a dogwalker to come by, 3 times a day, $20 a time.... that was $60 a day that i had offered to save him and he declined....

i should have known his plans were of some other sort.... something other than a 7 day trip to the east coast for his friend's wedding....

the beginning of mr. clean.

although you all know how this one ended up.... there was still soooo much more to this "relationship." forgive me if i repeat a few things....

i used to live by a lake..... a beautiful lake....

(this is the beautiful lake on a warm summer night, when taylor and i packed a picnic for dinner and watched the sun set) =)

anyway.... i don't exactly remember how we ended up exchanging numbers, i really don't. all i remember is one night, we ran into each other at the jacuzzi.... it was late.... we went home and we had texted a couple times. we both couldn't sleep. it was apparent. i was going to go for a walk, because it was the middle of june and it was so warm out still.... he asked if he could join. and he did.... and we walked to the lake and sat there for a while.... a long while.... so long, that we actually were still there when the sun began to rise.... i had to work later that day.... so i insisted on going home. he invited me back to my place.... and although there was a huge part of me that wanted to go there, an even bigger part of me wanted to go back home.... i knew it was the right thing to do.... and i did... i went home.... and he texted me.... continuously.... i shut off my phone.... i had a lot of willpower at that point.... i was set in my ways, at least a little bit.... he'd come in the office to ask a silly question.... (mind you i was working at the office of our apartment community).... i had leased him his apartment.... he'd come by when i was helping people just to drop off a coffee and/or pastry. if i was out touring someone around the property, he'd sneak in and leave cards and notes in my desk.... or on my car.... he was good at what he did.... i should have known then.... from the beginning.... there was another girl.... in another state.... who loved him for the very same reasons.... but i didn't know that.... not yet at least....

i knew she existed.... she was here in california before. they worked at one of the nearby hospitals together.... she was a traveling nurse. only out here for a few months, and those few months were spent with him.... before he and i spent the evening at the lake.... but she left.... she went back to the east coast when he (supposedly) had asked her to stay.... he told me how he didn't believe she was in it for the long haul and that he didn't know how he felt about her leaving.... he said he didn't feel the same for her.... you see, SHE was married, but "going through a divorce." .... some jerry springer shit there, right? i liked a guy who liked a girl who was married, but leaving her husband to be with the guy that i liked, who didn't know if he liked her anymore because she left to go back to her husband so she could "end things officially," (or whatever) and then come back to the guy that i liked who didn't know if he even wanted to be with her because now he REALLY liked me!!!! oooooooo yay!!!! i picked a good guy, right?! RIGHT?! he REALLY liked me the best!!! i was the one he wanted to be with!!! i was better than everyone else!!!! yyyyaaaaay me!!!

(not).

we walked our dogs.

together.

we cooked dinner.

together.

well usually he cooked for me....

he loved to cook.

his apartment was immaculate.

always.

he had very little belongings,

but just enough stuff.

everything was arranged perfectly

and it always smelled clean.

(i should have known then that something was wrong.... guys aren't very CLEAN creatures. at least not obsessive like that)....

anyway.... i didn't know anything was wrong.

nor did i think anything was wrong even though he downed a bottle of wine by himself,

every.

single.

day.

no, i kept going on, enjoying our conversations we had....

i felt like he was really opening up to me.

like i was really getting to know him.....

i should have known when he blindsided me and told me he used to be addicted to heroin and was in rehab, having relapsed twice.... that something wasn't right.... (but he was clean for 11 years.... that made up for the prior heroin addiction)....

the stories he proceeded to share with me (only AFTER a few glasses of wine) just blew my mind....

wow! how did he come out "on the other side?"

little did i know.... he wasn't on the other side.... he was still on the shitty side... i was just blind. and dumb. and blind. and dumber.... in fact, i was likely the dumbest....

august 4th, he told me she was coming out to see him in 3 days.... he gave me a 3 days notice.... and said that he didn't know she was coming, or WHY she was coming.... said she only gave him a 3 days notice.... and that she was going to stay for a week.... he was nearly pleading with me to please give him a break and not hold this against him.... he would have never invited her out here.... but that she planned on staying with him....

"WHY?!" i asked. "WHY are you LETTING her stay with you, when she didn't even give you a notice that she was coming?!"

i don't remember his answers, but whatever they were, must have sounded good enough at the time....

i went against everything i would have ever stood up for before, and said "okay. i'm here whenever you are free to talk.... i'm here."

i'd get a text message randomly.

and one day.

2 days before she was supposed to leave i got a phone call from him.....

hello.

hello everyone.

when i'd originally started this blog, i started it with the intention of shifting my negative past from my main "happier" blog, "Our Journey Begins As The Kings...." (the link will take you there, if you're at all interested)

although i am at a much better place in my life now, it wasn't always that way.... i tend to post a whole lot more on my main blog, so forgive me for not posting as often as i'd like to on here!!

If you'd like to hop on over to the happier side of my life, feel free to do so and join me over there!! If not, it's totally okay, and i'm just glad you're here!!

Thank you for following my bumpy, shitty past, and still coming back for more of the crazy me.

don't worry. it's just her brain tonight.

i'm lost....

lay back down....

it's only my thoughts again....

no need to run to a computer.

there's no cross street or freeway to lead me from....

it's just my brain again.

never shutting off,

just like it never does....

or staying on,

just like it always does....

she's runnin' tonight.

she's alone tonight.

she's insane tonight....

she felt free tonight....

like a bird tonight.

and she ate tonight.

with good souls tonight....

and she prayed tonight...

that she lay tonight,

with good dreams tonight.

and no fears tonight....

but her mind ran tonight.

so far from sight....

she got lost tonight,

from all that's right....

and she picked a fight,

with her soul tonight....

and now she cries tonight.

cuz nothing feels so right.

maybe she's lost sight,

from what felt right....

so she prays again tonight....

that she will see the light....

when she sleeps tonight.

again, alone tonight.

-originally written on 8/4/08, in a constant battle with.... myself

maybe it's just pride (originally written 8/18/08)

the gaps between your actions.

and the words you speak aloud

show the lack of your intention,

or maybe you're just proud.

but you disappoint the miniature,

who can't wait to wear your shirt,

or watch a movie with you.

or kiss away your hurt.....

her big brown eyes look up to you,

she watches when you go....

she’s soaking up your actions,

so much more than you know.

she puckers her lips

and she closes her eyes....

if only you knew, like i do,

the way that she cries....

quit digging the holes,

that make the distance between....

the things that you say,

and the things that you mean....

the gaps between your actions.

and the words you keep inside,

show the lack of your intention,

or maybe it's your pride....

-originally written on 8/18/08, shortly after JD returned from Iraq. had so many promises and big hopes for sweet T.... awfully big dreams coming from such a small man....

year round clown (about mr clean, originally written in 8/08)

year round clown.

tell me your day.

when you wake in the morning.

does the sun shine through the cracks in your blinds?

do black curtains hang,

the non see through kind?

year round clown.

tell me your style.

do you wake in the morning

with a smudged painted on smile?

year round clown.

tell me this....

do you remember the last time

your lips tasted a kiss?

a kiss with such passion,

any love put behind it....

or were the lips made of candy,

and bullshit behind it???

does your happy music play looped....

in your happy clown suit....

do you blow up balloons,

and twist them into hats....

how 'bout if she asks,

would you do acrobats?

and she'll face you in bed,

softly touch your bald head....

as the paint washes away,

you'll want her to stay....

and her smile will fade,

just like the love that we made....

and it's then you will realize,

you've let another one down....

you can't continue to fake

who you are all year round....