the beginning of mr. clean.

although you all know how this one ended up.... there was still soooo much more to this "relationship." forgive me if i repeat a few things....

i used to live by a lake..... a beautiful lake....

(this is the beautiful lake on a warm summer night, when taylor and i packed a picnic for dinner and watched the sun set) =)

anyway.... i don't exactly remember how we ended up exchanging numbers, i really don't. all i remember is one night, we ran into each other at the jacuzzi.... it was late.... we went home and we had texted a couple times. we both couldn't sleep. it was apparent. i was going to go for a walk, because it was the middle of june and it was so warm out still.... he asked if he could join. and he did.... and we walked to the lake and sat there for a while.... a long while.... so long, that we actually were still there when the sun began to rise.... i had to work later that day.... so i insisted on going home. he invited me back to my place.... and although there was a huge part of me that wanted to go there, an even bigger part of me wanted to go back home.... i knew it was the right thing to do.... and i did... i went home.... and he texted me.... continuously.... i shut off my phone.... i had a lot of willpower at that point.... i was set in my ways, at least a little bit.... he'd come in the office to ask a silly question.... (mind you i was working at the office of our apartment community).... i had leased him his apartment.... he'd come by when i was helping people just to drop off a coffee and/or pastry. if i was out touring someone around the property, he'd sneak in and leave cards and notes in my desk.... or on my car.... he was good at what he did.... i should have known then.... from the beginning.... there was another girl.... in another state.... who loved him for the very same reasons.... but i didn't know that.... not yet at least....

i knew she existed.... she was here in california before. they worked at one of the nearby hospitals together.... she was a traveling nurse. only out here for a few months, and those few months were spent with him.... before he and i spent the evening at the lake.... but she left.... she went back to the east coast when he (supposedly) had asked her to stay.... he told me how he didn't believe she was in it for the long haul and that he didn't know how he felt about her leaving.... he said he didn't feel the same for her.... you see, SHE was married, but "going through a divorce." .... some jerry springer shit there, right? i liked a guy who liked a girl who was married, but leaving her husband to be with the guy that i liked, who didn't know if he liked her anymore because she left to go back to her husband so she could "end things officially," (or whatever) and then come back to the guy that i liked who didn't know if he even wanted to be with her because now he REALLY liked me!!!! oooooooo yay!!!! i picked a good guy, right?! RIGHT?! he REALLY liked me the best!!! i was the one he wanted to be with!!! i was better than everyone else!!!! yyyyaaaaay me!!!

(not).

we walked our dogs.

together.

we cooked dinner.

together.

well usually he cooked for me....

he loved to cook.

his apartment was immaculate.

always.

he had very little belongings,

but just enough stuff.

everything was arranged perfectly

and it always smelled clean.

(i should have known then that something was wrong.... guys aren't very CLEAN creatures. at least not obsessive like that)....

anyway.... i didn't know anything was wrong.

nor did i think anything was wrong even though he downed a bottle of wine by himself,

every.

single.

day.

no, i kept going on, enjoying our conversations we had....

i felt like he was really opening up to me.

like i was really getting to know him.....

i should have known when he blindsided me and told me he used to be addicted to heroin and was in rehab, having relapsed twice.... that something wasn't right.... (but he was clean for 11 years.... that made up for the prior heroin addiction)....

the stories he proceeded to share with me (only AFTER a few glasses of wine) just blew my mind....

wow! how did he come out "on the other side?"

little did i know.... he wasn't on the other side.... he was still on the shitty side... i was just blind. and dumb. and blind. and dumber.... in fact, i was likely the dumbest....

august 4th, he told me she was coming out to see him in 3 days.... he gave me a 3 days notice.... and said that he didn't know she was coming, or WHY she was coming.... said she only gave him a 3 days notice.... and that she was going to stay for a week.... he was nearly pleading with me to please give him a break and not hold this against him.... he would have never invited her out here.... but that she planned on staying with him....

"WHY?!" i asked. "WHY are you LETTING her stay with you, when she didn't even give you a notice that she was coming?!"

i don't remember his answers, but whatever they were, must have sounded good enough at the time....

i went against everything i would have ever stood up for before, and said "okay. i'm here whenever you are free to talk.... i'm here."

i'd get a text message randomly.

and one day.

2 days before she was supposed to leave i got a phone call from him.....