Sunday, May 23, 2010

mr clean (part 3)

the beginning of mr clean


so.... I should have known.... his plans were much more than a 7 day vacation to the east coast for one of his best friend's weddings.... but I didn't want to believe anything more than just that. and so I didn't.

12 days went by.... twelve freakin days went by.... i heard nothing.... i didn't text him, not even once. i, DID, however call from a blocked number once, just to see if he would answer. he didn't. it went straight to his voicemail.

i tried to convince myself that he didn't have service.... or that his battery was dead and he didn't take his phone charger with him.

during those 12 days, a lot happened on my end. i had a friend over and we sat on my patio, sipping a glass of wine (or multiple glasses of wine, i can't remember).... i remember wondering what his reasons could be for not calling. not texting.... i'd even wondered if i had bugged him by asking if he was going to see her. i wondered if that was "over the top." looking back, it wasn't. but it WAS stupid... because if i had to ASK if he was going to see her, then it probably wasn't the healthiest "relationship" to be in....

12 days seems like a long time but it doesn't.... 12 days felt like 3 months, and i began to start accepting that i couldn't change what was happening during that time.... i had told myself BEFORE he left, that i would give him that card and NOT call him at all.... i stood true to that (almost)... he didn't know the private number was me... and it went straight to his voicemail, so he doesn't even know i tried calling....

one morning.... i think it was right towards the end of september.... i was sleeping.... it was my day off ( a wednesday or a thursday).... i got a text message.
and another.....
and about 15 more...
all. at. once.
they were all. from. him.

the texts came through, not making any sense whatsoever....
"i'm here. at the airport. waiting for bill to pick me up."

wait, what? bill is in pittsburgh. i thought you were there like 12 days ago.... (i didn't send that, but this is my thought process.... hang tight)....


"me and the guys went out for his bachelor party tonight. had some beers. had an amazing dinner. thought of you the whole time. now i'm lying in bed. everyone's asleep, and i'm squinting because the light from the cell phone is so bright. just wanted you to know i was thinking of you." (or some bullshit like that)

"hope you're enjoying the birthday party today!! call me when you get this...." (was one of them, as he knew i was throwing a birthday party while he was gone)

those were the only ones that i can really remember, and then there was a series of text messages that went together like a story.... pretty much saying that he had told her allllll about me.... she didn't take it well.... he couldn't stay there any longer.... the card i gave him was amazing.... he didn't know what to say.... he loved the booklet of sayings.... blah blah blah....

i woke up to these.... and was like, "WHAT THE HELL?! he's been texting me all along!!!! and i wasn't getting them!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!! HE LOOOOOVES ME!!!!!!" (it's okay. you don't have to smack me. i've already beaten myself up for this one multiple times.....)

it wasn't even 6 am. i called my sister. she said, "i just got text messages from him too!" and then i called my mom... "i got a couple too."
their voices were all raspy.... although my older sister was a lot more awake than my mom. my mom wasn't too impressed, but tried to share in the joy i was having at this moment....
i tried calling him after i talked to them both.... got his voicemail.
what the HELL?! but i just got all these text messages from him!!!!

i continued trying to call him on and off for the next few hours... finally at around 8 am, i got through... IT WAS RINGING!!!!!!

now was he going to pick up?

"Ashley?!"
"yes?!"
"Ashley! oh my God! Ashley it's you! it's soooo good to hear your voice!!!!"
"I just got all these text messages all at once! where are you?!" i asked.
"ohhh Ashley.... i'm in chicago. on a layover. heading home.... i arrive around noon," he said.
"who's picking you up?" I'd asked.
"i'd planned on taking a cab home."
"can i come pick you up?" i SERIOUSLY asked.....
"i would love nothing more...." he said....

he was crying (or at least fake crying, and i totally fell for it)....
he was telling me how he'd been texting me all along, and how he baaaarely has service where he is and that he just can't wait to see me and tell me everything that has happened.....

i was BEYOND THRILLED!!!!

"I GET TO PICK HIM UP!!!! YAY ME!!!!!" (i get to waste my FUCKING gas and go pick up this bald idiot!!!!) <---- didn't think that at the time... this is the present me speaking....

i cleaned the car out.... put this cd in... got all cute to go pick him up....
i parked at the airport and went and waited at the bottom of the escalator.
he'd called when he'd landed. told me he'd be down shortly.
MIND YOU, this idiot it like 10 years older than me (looks like 3o years older than me).... his style is TOTALLY different than ANYONE i've EVER dated before.... he wore like light denim jeans.... some button down under a navy blue sport coat, with a freakin ass cowboy hat.... (i'd never seen the cowboy hat before, but whatever)....

and down the escalator he comes.... i was thrilled....
he comes and hugs me soooo tight.... he stopped and pulled back to look me in my eyes and say, "i love you." he said it like seriously 15 times....
i'd told him several times that I loved spending time with him....
he just never said it back.
so i think that was his way of telling me that he loved me back....
"i love you. i love you. i love you," he just kept saying over and over....
he wanted to go have lunch....
where he proceeded to tell me all that had happened....
how he read the card on his layover in arizona on the way there, and texted me then.... then he said he texted me when he landed in pittsburgh.... and how he texted me the first night and from then on.... and that he'd even tried calling.... reception wasn't the greatest, but he thought i was just ignoring his calls the whole time!!!

NOOOO!!!! i wasn't ignoring his calls!!!! (cuz he wasn't fucking calling to begin with!!!!) <---- that's the present me again.... sorry.....

i bought it.
every. last. bit.

the reception.
it was bad.
he WAS trying to text me and call me all along.... he just couldn't stop hugging me....
telling me he was certain this was it....
he wanted to be together.....
he wanted to be my boyfriend....
he LOVED me....

a few weeks had passed.
my dad had been hospitalized, having his left lung removed....
was there for over a month....
it was hard times...
but finally mr clean came around and was there....
super supportive.

and then came the phone call, from my stepmom about a month later (end of October)....
she needed me....
i jumped on a flight out that day and was in Tennessee....
to help her take care of my dad.
we bickered about me leaving at the drop of a dime for my father....
he said, "you just up and leave what you've started here."
"UMMMMM, I'M COMING BACK!!!! DUH!!!"
i didn't care if this upset him.
i just didn't.
i felt like, "EFF YOU! i sat here WAITING for you. not knowing WHAT THE FUCK you were doing on the OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY!!!! i am GOING TO TAKE CARE OF MY DAD! get the eff over it!" i didn't SAY that, but that's what i thought.... and that's pretty much what i argued.... minus the eff bombs.... (well maybe a few)....

he didn't get it....
i stayed a week.
one week.
7 days...
i called him every chance i got....
but really tried to enjoy the time i had with my dad.... (and stepmom)....
my dad was in poor shape.
such poor shape, that i contemplated staying longer....
i didn't know if i'd ever see him again....
but i went home....

i came home to mr clean.
he missed me.
i thought he still had a chip on his shoulder but he was being AWFULLY lovey and going very far out of his way to show me how much he cared.....
was he hiding something? (of COURSE he was!!!! DUH you stupid insecure girl!!!!) <---present me....

a few weeks of me being home had passed.
remember, mr clean, best friend (aka boss) and myself all lived at same community....
best friend was at my apartment one night and says, "ash, i need to tell you something..."
"shit! i'm getting fired! what did i do?" i thought to myself, but instead asked, "what?" i know my voice went down when i asked.... i knew it wasn't good news.... and so i waited....
"he tried to kiss me," she said....

"what?! when?"

"while you were gone...."

"when?! when were you around him for him to try to kiss you?" i asked.

she explained to me, that she went to work out one night with another friend.... and called him on her way back to the property to see if he needed anything (which i find completely WEIRD to begin with, but whatever).... he wanted cigarettes.... wait, i thought he stopped smoking?! UGH! shit on top of shit on top of shit.... (bull. shit. that is....) but whatever.... she brought him cigarettes and delivered them to his apartment and didn't plan on staying, but he invited her in.... mind you, his apartment was very relaxing.... very welcoming.... he had his patio always lit with a candle on the folding table if he was sitting outside, with a glass (or 10) of wine.... windows were open.... music from his ipod hooked up to the television.... lights out.... candles lit everywhere.... that's just how it always was....

she went in....
he made her a drink.
MY favorite drink, mind you. (stupid details like that pissed me off at the time)....
they sat and talked....
for HOURS!!!!!
she proceeded to tell me his "complaints" about me....
and she shared her complaints about me to him....
what the fuck was this? an Ashley bashing session??!!!
apparently....
and apparently that turned him on....
they totally hooked up... he leaned in to kiss her.... shit just happened, whatever....
bottom line, i was just finding out about this now....
2 days before thanksgiving....

i walked over to his apartment, helped myself in (door was unlocked).... he was already in bed, lights out.... well i flicked on EVERY light in the place....
i began RIPPING up the cards i had ever given him.
i started turning the place over....
getting all my shit...
my shampoo.
my loofa.
my toothbrush.
all.
my.
shit.

i started throwing the shreds of the cards at him.... he gets on his phone and instantly calls her....
i SMACKED the fucking phone off his stupid ass bald head and it fell to the floor.
i ended the call.
and screamed at the top of my lungs at his face....
i wanted to smack his face....
every part of me wanted to smack his face.
but i didn't.

i gathered myself (and my shiiiiit) and went back home....
waiting for the police to come banging on my door.
they never came.
i thought for sure i'd get in trouble for something like disturbing the peace or something....
but i didn't....
no one called.....

i fell asleep crying.
on my living room floor that night.
at my computer....
i fell asleep with a clogged nose....
that i couldn't breathe out of....
i wanted to pound their faces.
both of them....
it hurt.
i hurt.
i felt broken....
betrayed.
and very very broken.....

8 comments:

Mainland Streel said...

I don't understand people like that at all! Not Mr. Clean, and certainly not your friend. Before Jason, I think you must have been a douche magnet! :(

Ashley King said...

yeah i'm pretty sure i wore an "i heart douchebags" or something.... cuz that's all i've ever attracted.... well besides Jason of course.... and my first real boyfriend.... big burly ex. he wasn't a douchebag. he was just extremely "protective." and i was young and dumb.... wasn't ready to be committed maybe.... stripped the innocence.... he deserved much better than myself.

Ms. Anthropy said...

Hate to admit having been in a few of these relationships, myself.

Marlene said...

Wow - the boyfriend was bad enough - but the "boss" a.k.a best friend was a stinkin' sneaky slut!

buymebarbies said...

I AGREE!!! Ash, you trusted her with your heart and soul!! She was your soulmate, best friend on earth, kind of soulmate. You two were inseperable and were always together. I've never felt the same for her since that happened. AND, you tried to overcome that hurt she gave to you!!! Kind heart or dysfunctional? She was not in love, she was in-secure!!

Ashley King said...

@Marlene. i wish you knew the kind of relationship we had.... it was one that i'd NEVER had with another female in my life. i don't have a whole lot of close girlfriends.... i've got a handful of friends, but she was more like a sister. her family didn't live around here, so whenever there was a holiday, we'd go to my mom's.... she was coming with me. it was a given. we'd sleep over at each other's apartments, just because we were too tired to walk across the property. we could share make up, clothes, whatever.... i trusted her.... with. my. life.

@mom. yes. probably dysfunctional.... didn't want to let go.... didn't want to lose what great friendship we had had.... little did i know, it was already gone. =(

Ashley King said...

or maybe it never really existed?? and the closeness i thought we had was all my imagination?? who knows.

buymebarbies said...

I think she admired you to the end of this earth and wanted to be like you, look like you, so she screwed your man to be compared to you.......by him!!! I-N-S-E-C-U-R-E!!!