part 4 mr clean, featuring BBE (big burly ex)

the beginning of mr clean

part 2

part 3

he came to my apartment.... knocking on my door.... talking to me through my door.... it woke me up....

i quickly wiped the snot from my face.... and the dried tears from my eyes.... blew my nose and stood up against the door to hear what he was saying a little bit better....

i'm sure he knew....

i know he knew i wanted to hear what he had to say....

i shouldn't have, but i did.

i wanted to hear what he had to say.

i wanted to hear him tell me what a mistake it was and how much he loved me....

i wanted to know that.... to hear it.... (and still not believe it.... even though i somehow convinced myself at the time to believe it.... deep down, i didn't.....) but it was easier to move forward WITH him, than it was to move forward WITHOUT him.... at least at that point it was....

i opened the door.

i unlocked the door and let him in....

and i got back down on the floor to just lie there.... i didn't cry in front of him, but i turned my head away from him.... asking whatever questions i wanted to, because right then, III had the upper hand in this.... for ONCE, I HAD THE UPPER HAND!!!! and i was going to take full advantage of having the upperhand, finally!

2 days later, November 24th, i get this horrible call while at work....

it was my stepmother....

she was frantic....

my father was dying...

he was at the hospital since earlier that morning (complications with his cancer, ongoing for 6 years, it was nothing new) , and he was dying....

they gave him minutes to live....

she put the phone to his ear and all i could hear was the loud blowing sound of the oxygen blowing into his mask....

it sounded like the wind....

i could hear her sobbing in the background as i tried to verbally puke up the last minute things i never imagined i'd have to choke up so soon.

i didn't know what to say, except that i loved him.

"dad, i love you. you don't have to hang on anymore," i'd told him. "you go and take care of grandma and uncle bill.... i love you. i love you so much."

and then i heard her voice again, frantic in the phone... sobbing, not even making sense.... she kept telling me that he couldn't understand me.... he was already gone....

you see, my father was taken to the hospital that morning....

they live in a TINY little town in tennessee, where the nearest hospital is an hour plus away....

he walked himself to the ambulance and looked back at their house.... he had his arm around my stepmom and he told her, "i'm not coming back this time. we've had a good life together." my stepmom didn't have time for that nonsense talk.... "yes you are. you're coming back with me. don't talk like that." she was rushing him to get into the ambulance.... he got into the ambulance and she rushed to pack bags for the hospital. she didn't know how long they'd be staying.... he was admitted that saturday morning around 7 am and passed away at noon.

my father was a DNR (do not resuscitate, sp?) patient and i feel like because he was a DNR, they really just stepped back.... almost as if to wipe their hands clean of him.

they knew he was going to pass, but he was in so much pain.... he'd asked for pain meds, but THEY.... NEVER.... CAME.... he had an oxygen mask on.... and shortly before he passed, he sat up and said, "i gotta go!"

stepmom asks, "where are you going honey?"

dad says, "i don't know, but i gotta go!"

and then spewed green mucus type stuff EVERYWHERE.... all in his face mask, all over himself, all over the bed and the floor.... his eyes rolled back and he fell back onto the bed horizontally, when he should have been vertical.... he was now hanging off of the bed.... his vitals dropped quickly and my stepmom yelled for help....

she said it looked like a scene from a horror movie.... and the nurses didn't seem to move fast enough.

they got him up on the bed and said he was already gone.... his brain had shut down.... and just moments later, the rest of his body and heart did too.....

it guts me to type this story out on here....

to think about my father in that way....

i've never really shared much of this story with anyone, maybe the pain of reliving it??

perhaps.

maybe because no one else needed the mental images of my father's passing?

maybe.

because i didn't want the emotion that comes along with that time of his passing? it's possible....

the story and the feelings associated with that period in my life are unthinkable....

the things i did,

the poor, POOR decisions i made, and continued to make, had me spiraling downhill....

and FAST....

just FOUR days....

4 measly, freakin', stinkin' days after i'd found out the shit that went down with best friend and mr clean,

there HE was....

he was the one whose arms i found myself crying in.....

he was the one whose lap i fell weak into and cried until i slept....

he was the one who i let comfort my weakness and rub my back....

yes.

he was the one.....

he asked if he could fly back to tennessee with me for the funeral.

of course he could....

i didn't feel strong enough to do ANYTHING on. my. own.

anyone at my side, was stronger than no one at my side....

and even if there WAS family.... i needed something stronger....

someone who wasn't feeling pain too....

i needed someone who knew the deeper darker secrets i was holding in my aching, half ass broken heart....

i needed someone to just focus on ME, dammit!!!!

i was in tennessee and big burly ex had texted me....

it's a secret regret that i have held with me up until this point.

this very point of typing it out on here....

you see, my dad loved big burly ex.

dad said i was going to marry big burly ex one day.

he said "mark my words...."

big burly ex was the only non-douchebag that i ever dated.... (besides my now husband, of course)

he was the only one who ever genuinely cared about my well being.

i was too young and too stupid to see that at the time....

my gut wanted so badly to call him and tell him to come....

i know he would have carried my father's casket....

my dad really loved him that much.

you know, i go on and say that there is nothing in life that i regret, but i really do regret that....

having mr clean there to comfort me, when i knew it should have been BBE.

honestly, i can't even tell you what all took place during the funeral time and such....

that week is really blurry when i look back on it now....

i remember seeing a bunch of friends and family from the midwest and east coast that i hadn't seen in years.... i remember the speech that i had given.... and i remember the basis of my speech.... it was about forgiveness....

i spoke about how my father taught me many things in his life.... whether directly, or indirectly... he taught me many things....

he taught me that people deserved a 2nd chance.....

he taught me how to forgive....

i really truly learned to forgive with my father's passing.

i forgave him for cheating on my mother....

multiple times.

and forgave him for me harboring the feelings that he was, in turn, cheating on us too....

i forgave him for the actions he showed me, that lead me to assume that i, as well as my sister and mother, were not good enough for him to be faithful.

i forgave him for drinking in excess,

and for not picking us up when he told us he would.

i forgave him for yelling at me for so many years,

and expecting nothing but perfection from me....

i forgave him for investing more financially into my older sister than he did in me.

i forgave him for embarrassing me on multiple occasions,

and hurting my feelings many, MANY different times.....

i forgave him for calling me a wannabe nurse, when i flew out to tennessee just 3 and a half weeks prior, to take care of him, and try to nurse him back to health.

i forgave him for continuously putting me down, and all of the stupid decisions i've ever made....

for calling me a slut....

i forgave him....

and dammit, i was going to forgive mr clean too....

even if it took.

every.

last.

bit.

of my soul to do so....