Thursday, May 27, 2010

part 5 mr clean

the beginning of mr clean




.... my heart wanted to forgive mr clean....
but more than that, i didn't want to be alone.
i didn't want to face the days alone.
i didn't want to wake up in the middle of the night, crying, alone....
i just didn't.
he had me right where he wanted me....
weak.
desperate.
insecure.
stupid....

he asked if we could move in together.
said he wanted to make things easier on me.
help me financially.
said he wanted to make everything right.
wanted to come home to me every night.
oooo.
"financially help," as in i would be paying less rent?
score!
"come home to me every night," as in, i didn't have to wonder who what he was doing every single night?
sounded good.
so we started looking.
(remember, i was in property management, so i got a decent discount on any place we'd rent with the company within a few different cities....) did i NOT see that this was HUGELY benefitting him as well?? who knows.... but i didn't seem to care....

we looked at the top of the line....
and settled somewhere right in the middle.
the place we chose was BEAUTIFUL!
expensive.
backed up to the creek.
SUPER spacious....
attached 2 car garage.
and it would have cost us an arm and a leg had i not worked for the company who owned it.

moving into this place together meant that HE was saving over $400 each month (just on rent alone).
that doesn't include the super discounted cable that came as one of my perks either....
he was TOTALLY making out bigtime.
we ran our credit scores to get the place....
it should have been a freakin clue that MY credit was better than his....
he was a nurse....
making like $80k/yr. (and i was a freakin single mom with medical bills owed and blah blah blah)
seriously.
whatever.
i didn't care about that either....
in we moved!!
the end of december....
it was nice....
for the first few nights of having a huge place, on a creek....
and then i began to wonder.... (just a few nights later)
"what was the point of moving in with him?"
"why did i do this?"

i knew....
i freakin KNEW i did it for all the wrong reasons....
i just knew that i wanted to see more commitment from him, and i thought this was going to help.... i wanted to know that he meant everything he had said....
but deep down inside, it's not what i wanted.
not even a little bit....

i fought the internal demons for quite sometime.
he tried.
he tried soo hard for the next few months....
but i just kept pushing away.
i'd go out linedancing every wednesday, sometimes mondays too....
sometimes i was really tired and didn't want to go, but i went anyway....
because it pissed him off that i wasn't at home.... with him....

i told him he could come with me one time....
he agreed.
and i drank.
an entire bottle of wine (secretly) before we'd even left the house.
i was completely shitfaced before we even arrived at the place....
i vaguely remember taking a few free shots with one of the girls who worked there....
i remember having to pee,
multiple times, and trying to tell myself "do NOT appear drunk. make light conversation and continue on."
but the "light" and "normal" conversations i had tried to have with people just weren't very light and normal....
i. was. wasted....
the lil sis went into the bathroom with me....
into the STALL with me...
all i had to do was PEE....
and sleep....
i fell asleep on the toilet....
mr clean was waiting at the bar for us....
but we didn't come....
sis pulled me up and even threatened to beat some girl down if she knocked on our stall one more time.....
i didn't do it for any other reason than to piss him off.
and i did.
he had to carry me out.... with some stranger.
i have NEVER in my life felt that horrible....
i puked everywhere. multiple times....
i hated him.
i wanted him to HAVE to take care of me.
i wanted to P-U-N-I-S-H him....

i was slowly beginning to hate him....

and the next day, he worked.

i sat in the bath for a long, long time.
our big, oval, deluxe style tub, overlooking the creek....
i sat in that tub, on my bruised ass tailbone and thought,
"where did i go? what happened to me?"
no, not referring to the night before.....
i meant ME....
what the hell happened to ME?!
dammit!!! i was ANGRY!
i used to care so much!
he did this!!!!
she did this!!!
THEY did this!!!!
TO MEEEE!!!!!
who the fuck was i now?!
i was so angry....
i didn't CARE if he hurt!
i didn't CARE if he was embarrassed.
i didn't give a shit WHAT the fuck he felt anymore....
i just didn't....
he could have walked out and left right then and there.... and i wouldn't have cared....
the only part that would have hurt was, me....
ME because i would have STILL believed that i wasn't good enough for even an ugly, bald, lying, cheating piece of shit to want me....

i wanted out of the apartment.
i wanted out of the "relationship."
i wanted out of the anger.
at any cost,

I wanted out....


6 comments:

Stephani Nicole Anneler said...

Wow i read this i can totally feel you hurting during this time....Although i have never been cheated on or screwed over like this, i know what it's like to feel like you're just not good enough for someone no matter what you do....like you do not deserve any better when you really do...Funny how one day you just wake up and think "wtf am i doing" all of a sudden you become stonrger then you have ever been. I love this blog....I wanna know what's gonna happen next!

Pat Tillett said...

Great post Ashley, Wow...
What a tool he was! Someone should have grabbed you by the shoulders and shaken you hard...

That photo of the "dude" looks good on your page...

buymebarbies said...

I NEVER liked his PHONEY ass!!! SORRY ASH, but you know!!

Marlene said...

The important thing is....you figured it out! YES!!!

Anonymous said...

Ash- its Lauren.... I SOOOOOOO remember this. Coming over to ur guys house, up in your room, and having a LONG talk about him. You being mad, pissed and disgusted of him... remember me trying on that sexy black dress? Haha. Anyways... I told you, like you ALWAYS tell me, you deserved better... look at us now!!! :) I'm glad that ass is long gone... I ALSO BELIEVE THAT YOU SHOULD TREAT SOMEONE HOW YOU WANT TO BE TREATED... SOMEONES TRASH IS ANOTHER MANS TREASURE. AND I'M EXTREMELY HAPPY WITH THE PERFECT MAN I HAVE... and I know you are too! :) Haha a little worked up, but oh well. Had to reply! :)

Ms. Anthropy said...

How's your liver? All joking aside, glad you survived and figured out you were much more worthy.